Elevator Woes, Rock Heroes and Eggers Prose

Justin October 31, 2016 1

Steve Blass, Steve Sax, Mackey Sasser, Chuck Knoblauch and, now, me.

I am not a baseball player, but like everyone in this list ahead of me I have developed a problem.  I have the yips.

The elevator yips.

Every work day, around 1:30, I run out to grab lunch.  My friend Kyle usually comes with me.  And, almost every day, I have some sort of dopey incident on the elevator.

Sometimes its as simple as walking into the elevator without letting a woman or women who were also waiting go first. That ordinarily wouldn’t be a huge problem. But Kyle always does the right thing and then I feel the need to say something. “Oh, you’re making me look bad.” and he answers, “It’s not my fault your rude.”

That leads to me trying to be extra polite.  A few days later, we were once again waiting for the elevator. It came. I started to walk on, but then, through the corner of my eye, I saw someone walking towards us. I stopped. It looked like a woman. I didn’t want Kyle to get me again. But then, I realized it wasn’t a woman. It was just a thin man in bright colors. So I decided to get on the elevator. But. in doing so, I walked right in front of him. It felt like a strange thing to do while I was doing it. Apparently, it looked that way too. “What the hell are you doing?” Kyle asked. Foiled again,

Even when I get on the elevator ok, I run into trouble while riding up to my floor. My elevator small talk skills are lacking. I try to be funny during basic conversations about the weather. Sometimes I just make noises instead of forming actual sentences. Sometimes I just laugh inappropriately.  Kyle is always there to point it out.

The elevator has become my achilles heel. A metal can of humiliation. I might start taking the stairs.

Or I’ll leave the office without telling Kyle.

Sports Illustrated: October 31st, 2016

10-24-16 Russell Westbrook

PREGAME:

Celebrated our first anniversary and then became an uncle this past week. Not a lot of time for other stuff.

ARTICLES:

Born To Run By Bruce Springsteen

Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen is fantastic. But it is not as good as Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen or Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen.  That is to say, Bruce’s new memoir is not quite as transcendent as the song or album. Perhaps my expectations were too high. I was expecting to read this book and then, suddenly, understand why the bible is important to other people.  But it is not a life changer.  It’s not even as good as Keith Richard’s memoir, which came out a few years ago. Still, it’s better than 99% of the rock and celebrity autobiographies you will read.  You know how, usually, you read someone’s autobiography and you just want to get through the part about their family history and their childhood? Well., maybe it’s because Springsteen and I are from the same town, but I found that to be one of my favorite parts of the book. Also, it seemed like Bruce felt the same way. The book is super detailed up through the production of the Born To Run album, then it becomes a series of quick hits to summarize the rest of his life. Still, read it. Because he’s the best.

Heroes of the Frontier by Dave Eggers

This is the book I read immediately after I finished Born to Run. It’s a novel. Sort of. It’s definitely a work of fiction. But, novels tend to have things that happen. This book did not. A lady drives around Alaska with her two kids. They have some adventures. There are no consequences. She kind of learns something about herself, but not really. Dave Eggers is one of the great writers of his time. “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius,” is among the two or three best books I’ve ever read. And his ability to use the English language is unmatched by any current authors. But he doesn’t write novels. He writes character studies. I would say this is about as good as “A Hologram for the King,” and significantly better than his last novel, “The Circle,” which is terrible.

 

One Comment »

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