I’d been living with a secret for 25 years.
I had been pretending I was someone I’m not. And I never knew when it would come up. Driving in a car. Hanging out at a party. Walking through a store. And I would just smile and pretend.
But, last week, I finally came out of the closet. It happened during a group chat with the friends I grew up with.
Then I took it to the next level- the level that you can’t walk back from. The truth shall set you free!
There it is! I HATE the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I hate when my friends play it in the car or in their house. I change the station if it comes on the radio.
With the exception of Under the Bridge, which I do actually like, every song sounds the same. The faux-funk bass slapping, the Anthony Kiedis lyric spitting, the non-sensical word choice. I hate all of it.
This revelation was met with some derision.
“Well, they’re no Hootie and the Blowfish,” said one friend. This was a reference to the fact that I went to a Hootie and the Blowfish concert once. Twenty years ago. With the friend who made the comment. It was a terrible insult. A failure on every level.
A couple of days later, another friend sent this:
Again, a complete failure. In attempting to make fun of me, he sent a screenshot of his own phone which shows he was actually listening to the song he was trying to make fun of me for listening to.
But, here’s the thing. I do prefer Hootie and the Blowfish to Red Hot Chili Peppers. Same with the Gin Blossoms. So, I certainly wouldn’t want to spend money to go see the Chili Peppers at Madison Square Garden.
Which is why this next part struck me as so strange:
My first thought? Oh, well if they’re free, maybe I’ll go.
A few months ago, I wrote about the sudden preponderance of Justin look-alikes in the world. Well, it’s time to add one more. But first, a story. A few months back, I ran into my cousin’s fiance in the salad place across from my office. He came over and said hi, but said he had hesitated because he wasn’t sure it was me. Apparently, one of the hosts of the show “Men in Blazers” looks like me and they film in the neighborhood. So, he had to look twice to make sure it was me.
Fast forward to last weekend. Danielle and I are sitting in a broadway theater (more on that in a few minutes) when I see a guy a few rows ahead and say, “Oh man, that guy looks just like me.” Just then, I hear the guy behind me say to his seat mate, “Have you ever seen that soccer show, Men in Blazers? That’s the host up there.”
Here’s a picture:
Oh Hello by Nick Kroll and John Mulaney
This is the broadway show I was referencing earlier. And it was one of the great nights of my life. It was an amazing combination of the super high concept with the lowest form of stupid jokes in the history of the world. It was like a play inside play inside a play. With Steely Dan jokes and too much Tuna. Go see it.
American Heiress by Jeffrey Toobin
This is Toobin’s book about the Patty Hearst kidnapping. It’s a fine book. She comes off like a terrible person. Interesting fact that does not appear in the book- Patty Hearst is Chris Hardwick’s mother in law.
Pitch by the Fox Network
I really like this show about the first female major leaguer. But I do have one continuity complaint. In order to make it look authentic, they use Fox Sports personalities. Great. Good idea. Except during a scene in a bar, the female pitcher, Ginny Baker, asks the bartender to change the channel off of Colin Cowherd and she flips it to Garbage Time with Katie Nolan. But those shows are both of Fox Sports One. They wouldn’t be airing at the same time and they wouldn’t be airing on different channels.