Loud Sleep, Counting Sheep and Not A Peep

Justin October 19, 2015 2

The wedding is now just 5 days away. Everything that needs to get done has been done. Except for one. We’re writing our own vows.  I haven’t done that yet.

I didn’t expect it to be that difficult. I’ve given speeches at weddings before-a bunch of them, in fact. And, in each case, the basic themes for those speeches just kind of came to me. I would be sitting on the subway and all of a sudden, the through line would come to me. A story, an idea, an observation about the happy couple that helped me formulate a proper toast. And those toasts have always gone really well.

I’ve been waiting for that to happen this time.  But, apparently, what works for Best Man Speeches does not work for wedding vows.   I’ve done everything I’ve always done in the past. I’ve been riding the subway. I’ve been sitting and letting my mind wander.  The Vows have not come.

But… this did.  Here’s a best man speech for myself:

A lot of people talk about what love looks like. Or what it feels like. I would like to talk about what love sounds like.

It starts as a low rumble. Its rhythmic. It happens every few seconds. Then, it gets a little louder. It starts to sound like gasps and gulps. Then the room shakes.

Anyone who has ever shared a room with Justin for even one night knows how loud he snores. I don’t think the word snoring even does it justice.  And yet, Danielle endures. Night after night, not only in the same room but in the bed. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

But love also sounds like laughter.  And there’s plenty of that for both Danielle and Justin. When she set the two of them up for the first time, Justin’s cousin told Danielle that she thought the two of them had the same sense of humor. And they do. They make each other laugh all the time. Often times with terrible jokes.  Terrible, terrible jokes.

And love sounds like nothing. Watching Justin and Danielle at a restaurant is like watching two people on the worst first date of all time. They just sit there and stare at each other. Then check their phones. But, they’re not wracking their brains for something to say. It’s quite the opposite, actually.  It’s comfortable silence. It’s two people being completely at ease with themselves and each other. Also, they’re eavesdropping on the conversations at all the other tables around them. Because love also sounds like two yentas laughing at the problems of strangers.

So, let’s all raise our glasses and make some noise as we wish Danielle and Justin nothing but love, happiness and probably a box of breathe rite strips.. because, my god man, that snoring is ridiculous.

Sports Illustrated: September 19th, 2015



I don’t have time to read magazines. I’m getting married!


Seriously. No time for magazines.




  1. hamster October 21, 2015 at 4:01 pm -

    well this site finally bit the shark

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