The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight: HBO’s Hard Knocks 2014 Week 4

Justin August 27, 2014 0

I was with friends over the weekend and a number of them told me they’re really enjoying this season of Hard Knocks. I’ve been pretty open about how boring I think it’s been. One of us has to be wrong. Is it me?

If history is any indication- No, it’s not me.  Maybe Week 4 will be better. Probably not.


– We open in a coach’s meeting, where they are ripping #93. Who is #93? I guess we’ll find out after the opening credits, when #93 will be cut. Editor’s Note: Nope, we didn’t.

-Special teams coach Keith Armstrong is displeased with his unit. He is using a lot of foul language while watching game tape. Also he is a man because he tells it to your face. I know this, because he told me to my face. He also tells someone else they’re not good enough to be an asshole. That’s just a funny line. I bet some of the guys in this meeting would laugh if they weren’t scared for their lives.  Holy crap. That was like 5 straight minutes of uninterrupted screaming.

-Prince Shembo is a Falcons rookie, shown speaking to defensive coordinator Mike Nolan. He also happens to be the former Notre Dame player who allegedly sexually assaulted a female student. That female student later committed suicide, apparently because she felt the school was siding with the player over her.  So, I’m hoping Prince Shembo gets cut. Also, It would have been nice if Hard Knocks has not acknowledged Shembo’s past.

-Another part of the Hard Knocks conversation I had over the weekend- They should have focused exclusively on Bryan Cox and Mike Tice. Those two coaches have more personality than the rest of the entire organization.

-And then there’s Mike Smith, who has the personality of wallpaper – Beige wallpaper.

-I’ve said all season that this is arguably the dumbest group of dummies ever assembled. So, of course one of the backup quarterbacks in Jeff Mathews, a rookie from CORNELL!  But, he’s still a member of the Falcons. So, he can throw hard but he can’t figure out how to call plays. HE’S AN IVY LEAGUER! WHY CAN’T HE LEARN?

-Kicker Matt Bryant stares at a fish tank for fun

-KROY! He and his golddigger wife now command my attention for a few minutes. I am displeased.

-Osi Umenyora loves cookies. He doesn’t know about lemon oreos. That probably means he doesn’t know about the root beer float Oreos either. They are very good. They don’t taste like oreos, necessarily, but they are tasty nonetheless.

-Its a pretty good indication of how boring this season has been that we spend a lot of time literally watching rain. A major storm blows through and knocks out the power in the practice bubble.

-Matt Ryan poses for the cover of SI. I’m guessing it’s the NFL preview issue. I hope I get another regional cover.

-Joe Hawley gets into fights on the field, but does pottery on his off days. Wow. He’s so deep.

-Devonta Freeman goes for a pedicure but doesn’t know what the woman means when she asks if he wants a color.  He’s making all the academic advisors at FSU very proud.

-Roddy White screams after a touchdown is scored in the preseason game against Tennessee. And he screams in a very high pitched lady voice.

-I am surfing the internet, because I am bored by this episode. Then I looked up and, SURPRISE, the Falcons are in another fucking fight.

-Matt Ryan seems like a nice guy. He makes three kids days by taking a selfie with them.

-Coach Smith and Thomas Dimitroff sit in a creepy trailer and make roster decisions. Once training camp is over, this trailer will go back to being a meth lab.

-It’s time for guys to get cut. Luckily, none of the players getting cut are anyone we have heard of before now. So, I’m not sad. Just a few less dummies for me to keep track of.

-Jeff Mathews gets his own segment. I guess because he’s a QB and an Ivy Leaguer. But, he says nothing worthwhile in the meeting.

-Only 1 week left of this season. Hopefully, I won’t be bored to  tears.

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