You want to know why I don’t love Pad Thai noodles? It’s because Paula Cole had hairy armpits.
This story dates back to a simpler time. It was the summer of 1998. July 31st, 1998, in fact. (Thanks, google.)
We were at the PNC Arts Center in Holmdel, New Jersey to attend the Horde Festival. That was Blues Traveler’s answer to Lollapalooza. It was them and Barenaked Ladies and Ben Harper and a bunch of other acts. I happen to remember that Marcy Playground was on the bill, because I thought it was funny that they were playing the 2nd stage even though their song “Sex and Candy” was number one at the time.
Relatively early in the day, singer songwriter Paula Cole played the main stage. You may remember her as the singer who did the Dawson’s Creek Theme Song or that song about cowboys. But. most likely, you remember her as that hippie chick with the hairy armpits.
While she was on stage, I decided to get something to eat. There were lots of hippie-dippie food stands that day. Lots of tofue and vegetarian fare, as well as usual hot dogs and crap. I was very hungry. So, I went to the stand with the shortest line. And that was the Pad Thai Noodle stand. So, I that’s what I got to eat. I had never had it before, but it was noodles. What could be bad?
At the moment I took my first big bite, I happened to look up at Paula Cole onstage. At that exact second, she picked up her am and exposed a giant tuft of sweaty black armpit hair.
Something happened in my head at that exact second. I didn’t realize it at the time. But from that moment on, I’ve never been able to take a bite of Pad Thai noodles without immediately retching. Because in my mind, every bite of Pad Thai is full of lady armpit hair.
So, thanks Paula Cole.
Former NFL wide receiver Nate Jackson writes an appreciation of Rex Ryan, who advised his players to save their legs in the week before playing the Pats. I don’t love this particular piece, but I like the idea that SI is letting non-traditional writers take a stab at these opening essays. Someone else did it a few weeks ago, but for the life of me, I can’t remember who it was right now. Either way, it introduces new voices and new perspectives. And that’s a good thing. And Jackson is a funny writer. I hope he gets further opportunities like this.
Three Days in June by Ben Reiter
I hate this Word Series. Of all the possible match ups in this year’s postseason, Cardinals-Red Sox was the least appealing to me. Its a smug, midwestern fan base pitted against the single most vile cadre of ne’er do wells and filthy beard faces that has ever existed. That being said, Reiter’s article is pretty interesting. Several key members of this Cardinals team were selected in the 2009 draft.
He Shall Rise Again by Tim Layden
Jadeveon Clowney is very good, but maybe he’s not trying that hard this year. But maybe he is. And maybe it doesn’t matter.
Da Bear by Rich Cohen
This is an excerpt from a book about Jim McMahon. Ordinarily, I would be very interested. But this is NBA Preview week. I skipped it so I could get to the basketball.
The Post Man Rings Twice by Lee Jenkins
Center for the Houston Rockets is like Centerfielder for the Yankees. I love that. Dwight Howard follows Yao Ming who follows Hakeem Olajuwan who follows Rick Sampson who follows Moses Malone who follows Elvin Hayes.
This Joint is Jumpin’ by Jenny Vrantas
Vrantas is one of the writers that Peter King hired for MMQB. I think this is her first non-football piece in the magazine. It’s about ACL injuries. It reads more like a study in the New England Journal of Medicine than it does an article in Sports Illustrated.
Lebron Rules by Ian Thomsen
The article is called LeBron rules, yet is about how the Thunder will beat the Heat to win the title and Kevin Durant will be the most dominant player in the league this year.
Brooklyn, Huh? by Chris Mannix
The more we learn about Kevin Garnett over the years, the more we find out he’s just a giant spoiled baby. Case in point, the fact that he made Paul Pierce work so hard to convince him to agree to a trade that helped both the Celtics and the Nets. The Nets have always been my second favorite team and I’ve always respected Pierce. I think Jason Kidd as coach is a risky and exciting move. Yet, the presence of Garnett makes me really dislike this franchise right now. We’ll see if that changes.
Eastern Conference Scouting Reports by SI Staff
Interesting format for the scouting reports this year. Every team gets a basic write up, comments from opposing scouts and a starting lineup plus sixth man. It’s thorough without being too involved. The scouts sure hate the Knicks though.
The Long Rangers by Chris Ballard
The Western Conference preview begins with this duel profile of Steph Curry and Klay Thompson, arguable the best shooting backcourt in history. Its an enjoyable read.
Western Conference Scouting Reports by SI Staff
It seems the teams that opposing scouts are most excited about are the T’wolves, the Grizzlies and the Pelicans. Yet, only one of those three is projected to make the playoffs. That’s Minnesota. And they’re the 8 seed.
Point After by Steve Rushin
Lots of words here.