Internet, I have a girlfriend.
It’s been a few months and so far, so good. I have absolutely no complaints.
I actually have one complaint.
I have no idea what to call her.
Now, this isn’t a Mulva/Delores situation. I know her name. It’s Danielle. So, when people say to me, “Hey, what’s your girlfriend’s name?” I know to say, “Her name is Danielle.”
But, I don’t know what to call her when I’m speaking directly to her. Lately, I’ve been watching my friends closely, to see how they refer to their wives and girlfriends.
Beltway Buddy sometimes calls his wife by her college nickname or by the first letter of her maiden name. That works for them because they knew each other in college and his wife’s last initial is “Z,” which is cool. I didn’t know Danielle when she was in college, I have no idea what her nickname was and her last name starts with a “C.” That does not work. I’ve also considered calling her “D,” but I have another friend who calls his girlfriend “D,” and that could get confusing. What about “DC?” Well, to me, DC will always be Derrick Coleman. And that’s a weird person to think of every time you try to talk to your girlfriend.
What about pet names? She has called me “Sweetie” a few times. I kind of like it. But, I can’t see myself using that phrase. I know people who call each other “baby.” It works for them, but, to me, it feels like you’re infantilizing your significant other. That’s the same reason I’m not sticking with “kid,” which is something I’ve actually called her a couple of times. We’re all adults here. Let’s refer to each other as such.
Dear- It’s what old people call each other
Honey or Hon- Too Freudian (it’s what my parents call each other)
Sugar- That’s probably what Paula Deen calls people (to their faces)
Ultimately, I think the person who has handled this situation best is our old friend, John (NEW THING!) As far as I can tell, every time he talks to his wife, he just uses her first name. It’s easy and it works. That’s all I’m looking for here.
So, I’m going to call my girlfriend, “Kathy.”
I haven’t criticized an innocent stranger’s letter to the Sports Illustrated Editor in a while. Let’s change that right now.
This one was written in response to an article about how RG3 felt pressure to keep playing through his knee injury last year.
Unfortunately, the you-gotta-play-hurt philosophy isn’t prevalent only at the collegiate and professional levels. My 13-year old daughter plays kickball and volleyball and also swims. She hyperextended her right knee while swimming the breaststroke in June, but initially we thought she had torn her ACL. Once we learned there was no tear, the pressure for her to return to kickball this season became intense. Her physical therapist has yet to clear her, but I still keep hearing, “We need her. She’s our star pitcher!”
Kristen Seed, Indianapolis
IT’S KICKBALL! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Who is applying this pressure on your family? Other kickball parents? The coach? Who has ever heard of competitive kickball? It’s something you play during recess because the school is scared the girls and fat kids will get hurt by an actual baseball. There are no coaches! And the young Ms. Seed is the star pitcher? These outside forces who are applying such intense pressure can’t find another girl to roll a red rubber ball in the general direction of home plate? RIDICULOUS!
The Swing by Tom Verducci
Tom Verducci writes about the Orioles’ Chris Davis who is having a break out year after struggling to get his swing right for the first few years of his career. Verducci turns it into a study of swing theory which was pretty interesting. Can we talk about Chris Davis for a minute? At some point this year, I heard someone call him “Crush” Davis. That’s an amazing nickname. I hope it sticks. Otherwise, we should call him Kathy. (CALL BACK!)
London Fletcher Is Here To Play by Tim Layden
Everyone loves London Fletcher because he is intense!
Words with Chris Fowler by Richard Deitsch
I have just about had it with Richard Deitsch. I used to really love following him on Twitter, but now he’s become pretty insufferable. Maybe it was the “tweet me the best moment in your life photo” thing he started, then promoted endlessly. (Deadspin did a nice job of taking that bullshit down a notch.) Maybe it was his ongoing habit of stealing ideas from other columnists then re-writing the same article a year later. Maybe its just his annoying holier than thou attitude towards ESPN, which he seems to put on hold when convenient. Case in point: this interview with Chris Fowler, the least interesting, most vanilla, on air personality at the network. OH MY GOD, CHRIS FOWLER LIKES METALLICA! THAT’S CRAZY!!
Molto, Molto Mario by Grant Wahl
Here’s a quote from the beginning of this profile of Mario Balotelli, a soccer player I was actually somewhat interested in learning more about:
Gawkers gather and snap cellphone photographs. One snowbird, bare chested and pot-bellied, takes a stab at the subject’s identity. “Shoot, is he a politician?” the man asks, his voice amply ‘Murcan. “My wife says I should know him.”
Grant Wahl is a self hating American. He can not go more than two paragraphs in one of his monotonous profiles of soccer players without pointing out how stupid the American sports fan is for not loving this sport he’s dedicated his writing career to.
Hub Fans Bid Kid… by Tim Layden
Celtics coach Brad Stevens is just about a year older than me. A YEAR! I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I’m comfortable with the fact that most professional athletes are significantly younger than me, even many that are considered old veterans. But I am not ready to have coaches who are younger than me. That is not acceptable. I thought I had at least another 10 years before that happened. I blame analytics and Harvard. Damn you, Theo Epstein!
Point After by Lee Jenkins
Jenkins writes about the Dodgers renaissance. I can’t help but root for the Don Mattingly. So, I’m thrilled with the fact that they’e turned their season around.