Raw Fluke, The Euk and Enough Puns To Make You Puke

Justin July 1, 2013 0


It’s been pretty terrible in New York lately. It’s been hot, but worse, its been humid. The city become almost unbearable after a few days of humid weather, with the sidewalks baking. the air in apartments getting stale and no one sleeping well. As a result, everyone walks around with an angry look on their face. This is the story of one such person.

Last Thursday, as I was walking up 2nd Avenue on the Upper East Side, a woman walked towards me as she crossed 84th street. She didn’t look happy. She looked a little sweaty and she was carrying 3 big bags, which appeared to be just heavy enough to be annoying. So, I didn’t blame her for looking pissed. But, as she got closer, I noticed her shirt. It was a plain white long sleeve t-shirt with one line of print on it.  In plain black block letters, her shirt said: “DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSHI.”

What?

First of all, how can you be wearing such a ridiculous shirt and not have a smile on your face?

Secondly, where do you get a Desperately Seeking Sushi t-shirt? And what goes through your mind as you put it on in the morning?

But, most importantly, WHAT??? Why is there a t-shirt in existence that honors both japanese delicacies and 1985 Madonna movies? And how can you be desperately seeking sushi in New York? It’s available on every block. Looking out my apartment window right now, I can see two sushi joints. Fresh sushi is available in every supermarket in this city. I’ve even seen it in a few Duane Reade stores.

And, no matter how much you love sushi, why would you buy a shirt about it? I think anyone who buys a Desperately Seeking Sushi shirt is probably in trouble of developing a blood mercury problem and then becoming a dick. That’s what happened to Jeremy Piven. (Well, in his case, maybe the order was reversed)

Sports Illustrated: July 1st, 2013

lebron-james-sports-illustrated-cover-nba-finals

PREGAME:

Soccer, running, golf. Not much to choose from in the first half of this week’s magazine. I liked the “Big Board” piece about Kyle McKinnon, who turned out to be the 1st pick in this year’s NHL draft.  “The Big Board,” in fact, is rapidly becoming my favorite part of the magazine.

THE ARTICLES:

Cup of Joy by Brian Cazaneuve

This was smart. Instead of just writing a simple wrap up of the Stanley Cup Finals, Cazaneuve rolls in a profile of Corey Crawford and takes the temperature of the sport in general. One complaint: Cazaneuve says Crawford wasn’t always a goaltender, then tells the story of when Crawford decided to being playing the position. It was when he was 8. Corey Crawford was always a goalie.

A Murder in Massachusetts by Pete Thamel and Greg Bedard

Sucks for these guys. Their well researched and well reported article about Aaron Hernandez was published on the day that he was charged with first degree murder. Which means the average reader knows far more about the case than the writers did when they published.

Here Comes Mary Cain by Tim Layden

I chose not to read this profile of a high school girl who runs fast.

The Endless Summer of Bob Uecker by Luke Winn

This is a great article. GREAT. Read it.  Also, enjoy this.

 

Take Two by Lee Jenkins

How much more is there to learn about LeBron James at this point? He’s a champion and one of the top players in history. So, what did I take from this? Black guys love “Martin.” It’s like their Seinfeld.

 

Point After by Steve Rushin

Its a page of shitty puns about baseball player names. THE WORST!

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