Mary Jane’s Last Dance: Hard Knocks 2012 Episode 5

Justin September 5, 2012 0

It’s the Season finale of Hard Knocks. It’s the last chance for anyone on the Dolphins to make an impression that will stick. Will that happen?  Let’s find out:

-When Jake Long gets hurt, they subtitle his comment about what happened, “I got f**king rolled up on.”  It’s HBO. Why not just write fucking?

-Clyde Gates? Who the hell is Clyde Gates? Why is Hard Knocks still introducing new players 5 weeks in? Clyde Gates is a fast wideout who can’t play football. The Dolphins don’t think not being able to play football is a deal breaker.

-Joe Philbin says the Dolphins QB room is the best “room” he’s ever been in. Tannehill, Moore and Garrard all seem to truly like each other.

-Lauren Tannehill is getting her star turn, working with her husband to build some IKEA furniture. And from her, HBO goes right to the Dolphins cheerleaders walking on a catwalk. If you need further proof that there are no interesting players on the Dolphins, there it is.

-Philbin and GM Jeff Ireland seem to love players that have one outstanding skill, but are absolutely terrible at everything else.

-Jarrell Root’s outstanding skill seems to be singing Temptations songs. He does a very good rendition of “My Girl.”

-It looks like he should stick to singing, because after getting hurt in the final pre-season game,  Root will not be making the Dolphins. But, he takes the news in a classy way. You leave the show hoping he makes it somewhere else.

-HAHAHA! The team plane backed into another plane on the runway.

-Here’s how bad the Dolphins are: 33 minutes into the final episode, we’re back focusing on Chad Johnson, who was cut 3 weeks ago and has almost no chance of being signed by another team.  He’s legitimately doing the Rocky 3 workout on the beach. All that’s missing is an awkward hug with Apollo Creed in the ocean.

-The Dolphins cut a string of nameless players in order to hold on to a string of nameless players. They are terrible and boring.

- Isaako Aaitui seems genuinely sad to be going to the Jets. I can’t say I blame him. They’re a nightmare too.

-David Garrard looks good and he’s a veteran presence. So, the Dolphins cut him today. That happened after Hard Knocks was edited, so we only find out in a graphic at the end of the episode.

-This was definitely the worst season of Hard Knocks ever. The Dolphins are really bad, they lack any semblance of personality and the players didn’t even stay in dorms, so there was no chance to watch them interact with each other off the field.  After 5 weeks, I have no feel for any of the players on the roster, I have no one I am particularly rooting for and I don’t even know who the team’s starters are at most positions. If you have to identify a star, I guess it’s Joe Philbin. And that’s a stretch.

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