There’s been a lot of talk on the internet over the past week or so about whether this year’s US Olympic Men’s basketball team could beat The Dream Team. I had to admit, the entire concept has taken me a bit by surprise.
Why are we comparing a basketball team with a barely memorable 1989 Michael Keaton movie about four mental patients that get framed for murder?
But who am I to argue? Let’s study the matchups.
The Dream Team: Billy Caufield (played by Michael Keaton)
2012 Olympic Team: LeBron James
Billy Caufield is the leader of The Dream Team. He’s the most normal of the bunch, though he’s a pathological liar with delusions of grandeur. Ultimately, though, he leads his team to victory, which in this case means proving that two NYPD cops murdered a third and then tried to frame the Dream Team for the killing. Also, he reunites with his ex-girlfriend, played by Lorraine Bracco.
LeBron James is one of the leaders of the 2012 Olympic Team. He’s the most talented of the bunch, though “the Decision” proved he has some delusions of grandeur and some Cavs fans think he’s a liar. Ultimately, though, he has led his teams to victory, in this case, both the 2008 Olympic team and the 2012 Miami Heat. There is no indication that he will be reuniting with his former love, the city of the Cleveland.
The Wiley Old Vet
The Dream Team: Henry Sikorsky (played by Christopher Lloyd)
2012 Olympic team: Kobe Bryant
Henry Sikorsky has spent the most time in the psych ward. He’s been there so long that he actually thinks he’s one of the doctors, wearing a lab coat and offering diagnoses of his fellow patients. But, it’s that experience that ultimately helps him fool the authorities into thinking he’s an actual doctor, when the Dream Team pulls the ‘ol switcheroo and steals the police van in order to prove their own innocence.
Kobe Bryant has spent the most time in the NBA. He’s been there so long that he’s essentially become a coach on the floor. He sees things his teammates can’t, then uses his experience to figure out how to counter the problems.
The Third Guy:
The Dream Team: Jack McDermott (played by Peter Boyle)
The 2012 Olympic Team: Carmelo Anthony
Jack McDermott thinks he’s Jesus.
Carmelo’s trade to the Knicks was treated like the Second Coming.
The Quiet Guy Who’s Key To Everything:
The Dream Team: Albert Ianuzzi (played by Steven Furst)
2012 Olympic Team: Kevin Durant
Albert Ianuzzi is catatonic. He does not speak out loud, except to repeat phrases he’s heard Phil Rizzuto say during Yankee broadcasts. But, since he is the only direct witness to the crooked cops assaulting the doctor, those Rizzuto phrases are key to helping the Dream Team get out of trouble. And when the team gets arrested, him whispering “You’re a shit,” into Billy’s ear is just the kick in the pants the group needs to inspire them to keep going forward.
Kevin Durant will not command the spotlight during interviews. He will simply go out and play. And when they need points, he will be the key to getting them. And he is capable of making ridiculous baskets
THE FINAL ANALYSIS:
The Dream Team is a fictional group of mental patients trying to escape murderous rogue cops in the streets of New York City. The 2012 Olympic team is a group of exceedingly talented professional basketball players trying to win a tournament. There is no way to actually compare them.