So, I’ve done it. Today is the 7th day of my weeklong adventure in vegetarianism. And I’ve achieved the goal. No meat. No chicken. No pork. No fish. No eggs.
Was it hard? Not really. Was it annoying? Fuck yes!
On Thursday night, my family experienced a rather large event. We celebrated with dinner at a pretty nice restaurant in Soho. While everyone was ordering exciting chicken and steak dishes that looked delicious, I ordered risotto with peas. What the fuck? I even picked the bacon off the caesar salad I ordered as an appetizer. I WASTED BACON!
This can not stand. As I said last week, I no longer want to be a fat ass. But I also don’t want to turn my back on the things that bring me joy. Bacon is one of those things. And so, I’ve come up with a new plan.
I have deputized SCP reader and commenter Beltway Buddy to help me. Is it because he is super healthy or trim or has good ideas on how to eat healthy? No. None of those things are true. It is because, when the mood strikes him, Beltway Buddy is capable of being the most annoying human who has ever walked the Earth. And that’s what I need. I need to be annoyed into submission.
Here’s how it’s going to work: Beltway Buddy can call, email, or text me at any time (between the hours of 9am and 10pm. Otherwise he will purposely call me and wake me up in the middle of the night, ) and I have to tell him what I have eaten since last we spoke. If he hears something that strikes him as adverse to my stated goal of being a non-fat ass who doesn’t die from a heart attack, he is free to react as he sees fit. Insults, haranguing, or worst of all, misguided no it all advice. It’s all on the table.
It’s like I’m Josh Hamilton and he’s the random drug tester.
And, like Josh Hamilton, I only have one real defense against the wave of annoying. And that’s to do the right thing.
Or I can really emulate Hamilton, and start mailing Beltway Buddy samples of my urine. I’ll keep that arrow in my quiver just in case
AFTER THE JUMP: JUSTIN MEETS A LEGEND AND LOOKS STARTLED AT THE SAME TIME.
I would like to commend Dick Friedman for trying to identify the numerous sports tropes which most fans find completely uninteresting. And he did a good job of identifying most of them: Steroids, boxing, football in LA, the Olympics, Ozzie Guillen. I would also like to add soccer and Lance Armstrong to the list.
Joe Sheehan, as always, takes a feel good story (in this case the fast-starting Orioles) and drops a giant wet blanket of statistics on top of it. One thing caught me by surprise, though. How is O’s center fielder Adam Jones only 26? I feel like he’s been around forever.
La La Palooza by Lee Jenkins
Lee Jenkins tries to experience 78 hours of big time sports in LA, on a weekend when the Lakers, Clippers, Kings, Dodgers and some bike race are all in action. The biggest thing I took away from this article is that LA sports fans are more excited that the weekend happened than they are concerned about whether their teams win or lose. LA is obviously a far more laid back place than the East Coast. But , isn’t the point of sports to win?
Only The Beginning by Albert Chen
Chen writes a very short profile about Matt Kemp. The Dodgers center fielder was the subject of a larger article in Sports Illustrated last year, and while I understand he’s having an amazing year for a surprise team, it seems like there’s not much new ground to cover. He owns a nice house, has a ton of nice cars and wants to be a “brand” more than just an athlete. That makes him sound like every other player in every other major sport.
Let’s All Have Another by Tim Layden
I’m going to watch the Belmont Stakes when the race is run on June 9th. That’s as much of a concession as I’m willing to give horse racing, now that I’ll Have Another has won the first two legs of the Triple Crown. I read this article. I found it terribly uninteresting.
In Praise of Drogba by Grant Wahl
Grant Wahl writes a love letter to Didier Drogba. I don’t know why this was necessary.
Back In Control by Lars Anderson
What’s the biggest upset in sports this week? It’s obvious. Sports Illustrated published three stories consecutively that are about horse racing, soccer and car racing and I read all three. Here’s a quote from this story that doesn’t make much sense:
The initial reaction to the crash—from screaming heads vilifying him on ESPN to comedians suggesting that he was texting as he headed into the final lap—was that Hildebrand had committed the biggest blunder in the history of American racing. But had he?
What comedian makes jokes about the Indianapolis 500? Letterman owns an Indy Car team and I doubt even he made that joke.
The Transgender Athlete by Pablo S. Torre and David Epstein
I’ll admit it. This article had me completely confused. It’s not the topic, which is somewhat interesting. It’s not the potentially uncomfortable to think about subjects. I’m advanced enough as a person to be comfortable with sexual preferences of all kinds. My problem was with the pronouns. He and She. I simply had trouble keeping track of who was who. In this piece, He’s were born women and She’s were born men. And, like I said, I’m fine with that as a person. I guess I’m just not ready to handle it as a reader.
Point After by Roy Blount Jr.
I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.
Here’s a picture of me with Knicks legend Walt “Clyde” Frazier, taken at his restaurant Friday Night. For some reason, my eyes make me look like a crazy person.