Part of me wishes I wasn’t such a fat ass.
But another, larger part of me wishes pies grew on trees and chicken parm was an appropriate breakfast option. (I would consider a chicken parm omelet but there’s something ethically questionable about murdering an animal and then wrapping it in a fluffy pillow of its own abortion.)
This week I’m going to shout down the demons and try to appeal to my own better angels. It’s time to get healthy.
I’m becoming a vegetarian.
Calm down. Not forever. Just for this week. I want to see if I actually feel a difference if I cut meat out of my diet. Because I eat a lot of it. And I eat it late at night. And then I wake up every morning feeling heavy and terrible and unhealthy.
We’ll see what happens.
One question, though. Do vegetarians eat eggs? Because I have an idea for an omelet..
AFTER THE JUMP: JUSTIN REVEALS SOME DEEP, DARK SECRETS
I think it’s well established that Ben Roethlisberger is a not nice fellow. But, from his interview with Dan Patrick it sound like Steelers first round pick David DeCastro isn’t very pleasant either. Roethlisberger called DeCastro after the draft to welcome him to the team:
BR: I [always] give the first couple of picks—especially if they’re offensive guys—a shout. I call [DeCastro]. He answers the phone and says, “Do you have my flight ready yet?” I said, “Do you know who this is?” He said, “No, who?” I was like, “It’s Ben Roethlisberger, your quarterback.” He was like, “Oh, man, I’m so sorry.” He threw a couple of curse words in there. “I just saw a Pittsburgh number. I didn’t know.”
DeCastro didn’t say hi. He didn’t say, “this is David.” He just opened with a demand. And he tells Big Ben he saw a Pittsburgh number, but didn’t realize who it was. That means DeCastro already treats team employees like they’re his servants. If it was a team secretary on the phone, would “Do you have my flight ready yet?” would still not be an appropriate way to answer the phone. Learn some respect, guy.
Now, I’d like to take a second to admit something. It’s rather shameful, but it’s something I can’t keep secret anymore.
I don’t hate Paul Pierce.
I know. It’s horrible. How can a born and bred Knick fan grow to admire the greatest Celtic of his generation? I don’t know. It just happened. Pierce has just been around for so long. He wormed his way into my head somehow. I don’t root for him. I don’t want him to win a title or set any sorts of records. I just don’t hate him. It feels dirty.
21 Shades of Gray by Chris Ballard
I’m going to look past the ridiculous conceit of this article, which references a novel for women to masturbate to (but my mom says she didn’t like it because it wasn’t written well. THANK GOD.) Ballard does a good job of profiling the best player of his generation. And now, I will admit something else embarrassing. I haven’t watched a Spurs game in YEARS. I assume they’re boring because Duncan is old and Ginobili is old and I thought Tony Parker was old (He’s not. He just turned 30.) I assume the Spurs are boring to watch. But, I’m going to give them another shot. I’ll watch the Western Conference Finals. And it will be because of this article.
When Will Eric Hosmer Get His? by Albert Chen
Did Albert Chen talk to Bruce Chen while researching this story about Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer?
A Postseason on the Brink by Michael Farber
Farber writes about Rangers coach John Tortorella. I was talking to my brother today. He’s not a hockey fan, per se, but he has gotten into the Rangers run this postseason. And a lot of that has to do with Tortorella’s ridiculous press conferences. The coach may be rude and uninformative during these ridiculous media pissing contests, but he’s helping the Rangers get coverage and he’s taking the media spotlight away from his players. And that’s brilliant. Every time you see your local sports anchor air an entire Torts press conference with a clock ticking on the bottom of the screen, it helps the sport. And its not like anyone cares what coaches say during post game press conferences anyway. There’s no reason to be mad about it.
Ready, Set, Coe! by Alexander Wolff
Wolff writes a profile of former Olympic runner turned London Games overseer Sebastian Coe. I actually read this. And I liked it. Sebastian Coe seems like a decent guy.
Jabari Parker Is The Best High School Basketball Player Since LeBron James, But There’s Something More Important to Him Than Instant NBA Stardom: His Faith by Jeff Benedict
Are you fucking kidding me? What’s with that title? It’s like a Fiona Apple album title. Does anyone get that joke? How much crossover does SCP have with Pitchfork? Probably not much. Fiona Apple albums have very long titles. Anyway, the title is longer than the article. Jabari Parker seems like a nice kid. If he goes on a mission, we’ll see him in a couple years. If not, we’ll see him sooner.
Point After by Phil Taylor
I got one sentence into this column and then I stopped reading. I don’t care about flopping in the NBA. And I don’t care to read about it in “clever” way.