It’s been about 13 hours since I became a big time Hollywood player. So far, so good
During the first commercial break of last night’s episode of Saturday Night Live, they showed this graphic:
Eli Manning hosting SNL? What a great idea! I should know. I already had it. On February 7th, I wrote a post called “Eli Manning Should Host Saturday Night Live.” It was about how I think Eli Manning should host Saturday Night Live. (Creative title, right?) I outlined an entire episode, from skits to digital shorts to weekend update. I can only imagine Lorne Michaels and Seth Myers are big time SCP fans. And while I am truly honored and grateful that they may be reading, I do have one caveat. IF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS STEAL MY IDEAS, I WILL COME AT YOU WITH A FURY THAT MAKES MAD TV LOOK LIKE THE JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT!
I’m just kidding. I’m a big fan. Feel free to use my ideas. JUST GIVE ME CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE, YOU BOTTOM FEEDING HACKS.
My initial episode guide was written right after the Superbowl. While most of the ideas still hold up, a lot has happened in the world since then, so here a few new ideas to throw into the hopper.
This was initial idea for the cold open:
Fred Armisen does something stupid. He sits at a desk and plays a politician or President Obama or some foreign dictator and just makes a bunch of stupid topical jokes that have already been made by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert earlier in the week. It’s not funny and it goes on a bit too long. But it ends with”Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night,” and we’re off.
Let’s throw that out the window. Instead, we have Eli sitting in his dressing room, getting ready for the show. Someone walks in. It’s someone with SNL gravitas. Maybe it’s Lorne Michaels or Tina Fey. Ideally, though, it’s Alec Baldwin. He asks Eli if he’s nervous, Eli says, “yeah, a little,” so Baldwin begins a pregame pep talk. Pretty quickly, the speech devolves into a Gregg Williams style bounty rant, but instead of advising on Frank Gore’s concussions or Alex Smith’s weak arm, Alec is placing bounties on SNL cast members. He holds up head shots. “This is Bobby Moynihan. He has asthma. I want you to make him laugh so hard he wheezes. I want him sidelined. i don’t want to see him play Snookie. This is Abby Elliot. She has bladder issues. If a joke hits her just right, she will piss her pants. I want to see a wet spot so big that even her father AND her grandfather have to change their clothes.” (This will flow right into the monologue I already wrote, during which Abby Elliot compares her family of comedy royalty to Eli’s family of football royalty.)
Rihanna is the musical guest. Whenever she’s been on in the past, she and Andy Samberg have done a “Shy Ronnie” digital short. “Shy Eli” seems like a pretty obvious choice. Maybe he and Ronnie are football teammates.
Finally, I think we have to add a Tebow sketch. Here’s how that’s going to go. Eli is at the mall. He’s sitting at a table in the food court. All of a sudden. a guy with long hair and a beard, wearing a Tebow jets jersey, sits down at the table with him.
“Excuse me, Mr. Manning, right?”
Eli says yes, and the guy starts ranting. It’s now that we realize, its not just some guy in a Tebow jersey. It’s JESUS! And he’s pissed. Turns out, he really liked Denver and he is not happy that he had to move to New Jersey and read the New York Post and eat bagels. He mentions what Pat Robertson said about the Broncos being punished for getting rid of Tebow and he agrees that it’s going to happen. He says something about not wanting to go anywhere near Rex Ryan because he’s most comfortable wearing sandals. Jesus goes on for a while before Eli finally is able to step in.
“Hold on, I’m not Peyton. I’m Eli.”
Jesus responds: “Oh. Oh jeez. (get it??) I’m so sorry. I’m really embarrassed about that. I’m actually a really big fan of yours. Every time you beat Belichick, that’s a win for our side. Congratulations on the Superbowl.”
Eli just stares at him in silence. Jesus takes a long, loud slurp from his large food court soda. Then he waits a beat before saying, “That Tiki Barber’s kind of a douchebag, huh?”
So, there you go, SNL. There’s a perfect formula for a funny Eli Manning hosted episode of Saturday Night Live. I hope this helps. I’ll be watching. DON’T FUCK ME OVER!
Just kidding. I’m a big fan. Big Fan.
AFTER THE JUMP: JUSTIN HAS A COUNTRY NAME CHANGE AND PONDERS A HOMOSEXUAL LOVE AFFAIR.
Saturday night, I watched game 2 of the Rangers-Senators series while hiding behind a ledge at my office, sneaking looks at the tv every couple of seconds. So, I know a thing or two about odd game watching habits. Hart Seely (who’s name sounds like a character out of a fox network crime procedural) writes about his Yankee watching habits. At first, I expected this column to be a bit too silly for my liking. But, it turns out. I really liked it. And I related. Now, back to my spot under the couch. Carmelo Anthony shoots best when I’m down there.
Power and Grace by Alan Shipnuck
Shipnuck writes a Masters wrap up. I have a feeling that if Bubba Watson went by his real name, he would have a much different career. No one would be surprised to hear that Gerry Watson can read. Or went to college. Or won the Masters. But because his name in Bubba, he has to constantly compete with the idea that he’s this backwoods hick who’s crashing the party. Watson seems like a very well adjusted and pleasant guy. He’s not John Daly.
Now, let’s travel back in time a bit. Back to April, 1978. My parents go to Brooklyn to visit my father’s parents. My mother is pregnant with her first child. She is speaking with her in laws about the future. They are discussing baby names. My grandfather, Herby, suggests that if the baby is a boy, my parents should name him Bubba. My mom thinks he’s joking. My dad thinks he is joking. He is not joking. My Brooklyn born and bred Jewish grandfather thinks that his first grandchild, who will grow up in upper middle class New Jersey, should be named Bubba. My parents ultimately go in a different direction. They settle on the name Justin. My father came up with it while he was flipping through a magazine in the bathroom. Surprised? I’m not.
The King Of New York by Brian Cazaneuve
All season, I’ve been saying SI should profile Henrik Lundqvist. Finally, they’ve done it. What’s been most striking about Lundqvist this year, as he’s been featured on 24/7, then in a profile on Real Sports and, finally, here in SI, is that there’s not much there there. He’s a brilliant goaltender, and you can argue that he’s the best pro athlete in New York, but he doesn’t exude personality. Either he doesn’t have one or everyone’s just so blinded by his style and good looks that they don’t ask enough questions to let his personality come out. I don’t blame them. I say this with a solid 33 year record of heterosexuality. I think I would let Henrik Lundqvist do stuff to me.
Keeper of The Flame by Kostya Kennedy
There’s not much to say about Kennedy’s profile of Rachel Robinson except that it got a little dusty in my apartment while I was reading parts of it. You can argue that she has had a direct impact on more people than Jackie Robinson ever did.
Javale Being Javale by Lee Jenkins
When he was still at USC, I once read a profile of former Wizard and current Clipper Nick Young that seemed to hint at the fact that he was slightly autistic. A few years later, I get the same sense from Young’s former teammate and running partner, Javale McGee. He seems to have trouble understanding social interaction and that’s what gets him into the most trouble. Let’s see if he can become a star in Denver.
“Jerry Maguire Aspires To Be You” by Daniel Roberts and Pablo S. Torre
It’s odd that it takes two reporters to write a profile of Leigh Steinberg. Especially when you consider this entire story was told on Real Sports a few weeks back.
To Run In Kenya, To Run In The World by David Epstein
My opinion on this article is that I did not read it.
Point After by Phil Taylor
Taylor does a nice job of comparing Jamie Moyer’s return to the majors to that of 26 year old Lucas Harrell, who beat Moyers in the elder statesman’s first start this season. Both are overcoming serious injuries. I think everyone’s rushing to the Moyers story this season. Why not wait till next year, when he’s 50? That’s a rounder number.