Talking Blue, Coaching Blues and, Wow, Antoine Walker is Fat Now

Justin March 17, 2012 0

Rush Limbaugh calls Sandra Fluke a slut and a prostitute. Feminists, liberals and everyone else who believes in proper civil society blast him for making such vile comments. The right wing knows they can’t defend his words, so they respond, instead, by painting a false equivalency between what Limbaugh said and what comics like Bill Maher and Louis CK have said about Sarah Palin.

This isn’t about that, (Though, if you want to read a pitch perfect take on the whole situation, Michael Ian Black wrote one.)

This is about the way in which members of the right wing presented their argument. A Fox news anchor said that Bill Maher had called Sarah Palin “the C-word” and “the T-word.” Hearing that ruined the rest of my day, because what the fuck is “the T-word?”

Is it tit? Did Bill Maher call Sarah Palin a tit? Probably not. More likely, he called her a twat. But, it took me a long time to figure that out. And if it takes me, a human with a dirty mind and an absolutely filthy mouth, that long to come up with twat, how long is it going to take the average easily offended, closet case repressed Fox News viewer to come up with it? They probably never will.

My thesis, therefore, is that “The T-Word” is not a thing.

There arefour acceptable “The _ -word’s.” They are “The F-Word,” “The B-Word,” “The C-Word” and “The N-Word.”

Let’s break them down one at a time.

The F word is Fuck. It is one of the two most popular curse words in American english, second only to shit. But, to fuck is to “do it,” so our culture assigns extra shame to it. As a result, children and news anchors say “The F-Word” when trying to convey it.

The B word is Bitch. It is also very common but, unlike fuck, you’re allowed to say bitch on television. So, who says “B-word?.” As far as I can tell, it’s Human resources people who are relaying accusations of hostile work environments made against male corporate executives by their secretaries or female colleagues. (For the record, the men who call secretaries or female colleagues bitches have tiny cocks. ALWAYS.)

The C-Word is cunt. It is the worst word in the English language. It is a vile, horrible euphemism for vagina which no woman should ever be referred to as. (I think it a lot, but rarely say it out loud.)

The N-Word is… so offensive that I’m literally scared to even think it, because what if someone can hear my thoughts and then punches me in  the brain. We all know what it means. Let’s just move on.

That is it. There are no others. This is non-negotiable. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fucking cunt.

Sports Illustrated. March 19th, 2012

Anthony Davis, College Basketball, Kentucky Wildcats

AFTER THE JUMP:  THE WORLD’S FATTEST TWINS. ON MOTORCYCLES!!!!

PREGAME:

Dick Friedman does the impossible in his scorecard column. He tries to turn Harvard into a plucky upstart. Yes, THE Harvard. He’s obviously not the only writer who’s done this recently. Every time Jeremy Lin was described as a cinderella story who is succeeding against all odds, I feel it neccesary to point out that he has an economics degree from Harvard. It’s not like he would have been sweeping floors if the Knicks cut him. Same goes for the Crimson basketball team. They were a top 25 team for much of the season. If they had beaten Vanderbilt in the tournament, it would have been a mild upset, not Lehigh over Duke.

THE ARTICLES

Road Block by Kelli Anderson

Anderson writes about Kentucky star Anthony Davis.

I’ll admit it. I don’t think I’ve watched a full NCAA basketball game this season. I know Anthony Davis is good because twitter tells me so. During big games, Kentucky fans and sports writers go crazy tweeting about his ability to block shots. I’m glad he seems to be a nice kid with his feet on the ground. I root for rail thin shot blockers. They’re fun to watch.

Beware The Sleeper by George Dohrmann

A profile of Long Beach State coach Dan Monson

I read this story on Thursday. Long Beach State got knocked out of the tournament like three hours later. Oh well.

Great Lengths by Richard Deitsch

The women’s tournament gets less than a page’s worth of a write-up, followed by two pages of graphics and some loose statistics. But, to really determine how little SI cares, look no further than the by-line. Deitsch is the magazine’s sports media writer. He wouldn’t be doing a story on women’s basketball unless every other reporter turned it down.

Into The Great Unknown by Jim Trotter

Trotter breaks down Peyton Manning’s search for a new team. He does a good job of breaking down the plusses and minuses and getting quotes from team officials on both sides of the fence. I hope Manning signs in Denver. That way we can have a face to face matchup between two cults of personality, John Elway vs Tim Tebow. and by Tebow, of course, I mean JESUS.

Backup To The Front by Peter King

King writes about Matt Flynn, who may be the second best free agent QB on the market. Peter King may be a dick. Why else would he write this sentence, knowing full well that his colleague Jim Trotter had just written about Peyton Manning’s search for a new team:

Assuming Manning has a home by the time you read this, Matt Flynn would be the big man on the market.

If Peter King assumes that Manning will have a home by the time we read this, why didn’t he tell Jim Trotter not to bother writing about whether or not Manning would sign. But, of course, Manning hasn’t signed, so Peter King just sounds like a dummy. As far as the rest of this article, he breaks down Matt Flynn’s one good career game and uses it to make the case that he is a legitimate NFL starter. That’s just silly.

Mirth Of The Blues by Michael Farber

Farber puns his way through a profile of the St. Louis Blues. But, what I’m most interested in is the fact that Ken Hitchcock was once 400 pounds.

During a conversation at the Blues practice facility in January, Hitchcock said, “You’d hear, ‘Oh, my God. He coaches? Does he skate?’ … You develop convenient hearing. It hurt me, but I never let it get inside myself.”

Well? Did he skate? I want to know. Why didn’t you answer that, Michael Farber. Did Ken Hitchcock on skates look as silly as this?

Robin Ventura’s Rockin’ A Manager’s Cap by Albert Chen

Chen writes about Ventura and, to a lesser extent, Mike Matheny, two former players who were hired as big league managers this off season despite the fact that they have absolutely no experience. The Title of this article has too many apostrophes for my liking.

If Antoine Walker Shimmies, But It’s In Boise, Is He Really Shimmying? by Chris Ballard

Ballard’s article has a title thats longer than a Fiona Apple album name, (90′s reference!!!!) but I still love everything about it. I love catching up with Antoine Walker, riding buses in the D-League. I love hearing a description of his apartment being full of video games and fast food containers. I love how seemingly at peace he is with the fact that he shit away $100 million. I even love the photography. If you read nothing else in SI this week, make sure you read this.

Point After by Phil Taylor

Taylor writes about the NHL’s efforts to make their sport more welcoming to gay athletes. I’m glad hockey is being so progressive in this regard. I guess it makes sense. Hockey is dominated by Canadians, Europeans and Americans who come from middle class or upper middle class backgrounds. In fact, If I were to rank the four major sports in order of how open they would be to an openly gay player, I would put hockey on top, followed by baseball, basketball and football.

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