Order Fix, Letterman Tricks and Clueless Hicks

Justin March 11, 2012 0

I don’t think I’d call what I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Instead, I’d just say I like things to be in their proper place.

There’s a reason a couch and a coffee table make indentations in the carpet. It’s so you know exactly where the couch and the table go.
When you’re putting clothes in a dresser, the proper order of the drawers (from top to bottom) is socks, underwear, sleeping clothes, every day t-shirts, backup t-shirts, shorts. The silverwear tray goes (from left to right) spoons, forks, knives. You can’t argue with that. It’s basic logic.

There’s a place for everything and everything has a place.

This week I bought a new book case. The one I already owned was past capacity, so I spent six months looking for a second one. And after all that careful planning and internet window shopping, I walked into an Ace Hardware and bought the first one I saw.

The real fun started when I got it home. That’s when the reordering of books began! I was able to break things down into categories, then sub-categories, then by author within the subcategories. It was the greatest feeling in the world.

Books on politics get split between national and local. Each gets its own shelf. National is further broken down by era. A book about the 1948 election is next to a book about the 1960 election, which kicks off a Kennedy subset that runs from JFK to RFK to Teddy. That’s followed by a book about the ’88 election, then Game Change about the ’08 election and Renegade, about the inner workings of the Obama campaign.

Novels by Steve Martin kick off another shelf. They’re followed by Bossypants by Tina Fey, because they’ve worked together on SNL, 30 Rock and in the movie, “Baby Mama.” From there it’s Sarah Silverman, because she’s a funny woman like Tina Fey. Then Patton Oswalt because he’s a stand up similar to Sarah Silverman. Then Dennis Leary because he, like Oswalt, has done voices in animated films. Next is the logical step to author Sarah Vowell, since she did a voice in the Incredibles. She’s followed by Chuck Klosterman because they were once on the same live episode of WTF. Closterman leads into Dave Eggers because I was introduced to both of them at the same time. Eggers links to Nick Hornby because Hornby has written for Eggers’ publishing company, McSweeneys. Then Jay McInerney, because like Eggers and Horbny, McInerney was once considered the voice of a new generation. Same goes for David Foster Wallace, who comes next. It ends with Johnathan Franzen, who was friends with DFW.

See how logical it is?  And how much fun? I’m not crazy. I’M NOT.

Sports Illustrated: March 12, 2012 

Jonathan Vilma, Football, New Orleans Saints




What’s the opposite of a banner week? Because that’s what Sports Illustrated had in it’s Scorecard and Inside Sports sections this week. It went from an opening column about the Daytona 500 that I completely skipped to a breakdown of a college football season that is 5 months away that I skimmed to an Inside the Olympics that focused on women’s gymnastics. There was practically nothing to read ahead of the main body of the magazine. Luckily, this week’s articles picked up the slack.


Way Out Of Bounds by Peter King
Peter King dissects the Saints Bounty scandal from every possible angle. I don’t care. I truly do not care that the Saints paid each other to hurt people on other teams. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I think it’s ok or that it’s part of the game so it’s not big deal.  I mean I don’t give a shit if they did it or not. It does not affect me in any way, nor will it affect the way I watch football. There is one thing that annoyed me this week, though. I heard somewhere that Drew Brees says he knew nothing about the bounty system. That is an obvious and blatant lie. Brees is either a team leader or he’s not. You can’t pick and choose your spots. While we’re at it, can we finally rid ourselves of the misconception that Drew Brees made Katrina all better?
First Line of Defense by Luke Winn
What originally looked like a profile of the UVA basketball program and it’s coach, Tony Bennett. Instead, Winn delivers a profile of Bennett’s father, Dick. (Not Bennett’s father’s dick. That’s a different magazine.) It’s a clever turn. I enjoyed it.
The Unassuming Seven by Ian Thomsen
Thomsen writes about the Indiana Pacers and their no-star style of play. All 7 of the team’s top players get a turn. So does coach Frank Vogel.
Indeed, when he was much younger, Vogel attended a camp in his home state of New Jersey, and a counselor encouraged his audience to learn ball tricks. Vogel spent a week teaching himself to spin a basketball at one end of a toothbrush while he brushed his teeth with the other end. His parents got him an audition for Letterman, and when the video of his 1986 appearance surfaced on the Internet last year, he received more text messages than he did for becoming coach of the Pacers. “It’s a little bit silly,” says Vogel, “but that trick was my first experience in believing that anything can happen if you put your mind to it.”
I wanted to post the video, but NBC has had it pulled from the internet. FUCK YOU NBC.
How Lenny Dykstra Got Nailed by David Epstein
Epstein details the criminal investigation which ultimately led to Lenny Dykstra getting sent to prison. The former Met and Phillie is clearly a scumbag, but his victims seem like a bunch of lowlifes too. And for the record, how does Jim Cremer still have a job? The CNBC host championed Dykstra as a financial genius, which gave Lenny the cover he needed to rip off hundreds, if not thousands, of people.
Distance Runner Rhiannon Hall… by David Epstein and L. Jon Wertheim
This article has a longer name than a Fiona Apple record. I hope you don’t mind  that I shortened it. Epstein and Wertheim write about Rhiannon Hall, a distance runner from Oregon who grew up, moved to Costa Rica then died in a riptide while saving her son’s life. We’re supposed to champion this woman as a hero because she saved her son.  I suppose she is.  I also think she’s a terrible mother. If all the Costa Rican locals are running away from the water, why are you running in? And, more importantly, why are you putting your young son in danger?
Point After by Phil Taylor
Taylor takes a clever tact in discussing the runaway political correctness that followed Linsanity. It’s just odd that he’s doing it three weeks late.

Leave A Response »