Eli Manning Should Host Saturday Night Live

Justin February 7, 2012 2

Did you see Eli Manning on Letterman last night?  He was great. He was funny, clever and charming. After almost a decade in the league and two Superbowl titles, it seems the Giants QB has finally found his personality.

It’s time for Eli to put that personality on display and follow in the footsteps of Derek Jeter, Joe Montana, Tom Brady and, yes, his brother Peyton.

Eli Manning should host Saturday Night Live.

Of course, if you’ve watched SNL this year, you know Eli would probably be wasted. The writing has been, for the most part, lazy and terrible. That’s where I come in.

After the jump; My outline for a great Episode of SNL starring Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning

COLD OPEN:

Fred Armisen does something stupid. He sits at a desk and plays a politician or President Obama or some foreign dictator and just makes a bunch of stupid topical jokes that have already been made by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert earlier in the week. It’s not funny and it goes on a bit too long.  But it ends with”Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night,” and we’re off.

MONOLOGUE:

Eli comes out and talks about winning a 2nd superbowl and how it’s led some people to say he’s surpassed his brother. But he says he doesn’t think about that. Instead, he likes to think of himself as the third chain in a quarterbacking legacy. At this point, SNL cast member Abby Elliot comes out. She says she knows what Eli is talking about because she’s the third chain in a comedy legacy. Her grandfather is Bob Elliot from Bob and Ray and her father is Chris Elliot. At this point, they begin comparing their families. Eli says “my father is a college football legend who was so famous that the speed limit on the campus at Ole Miss is 18 MPH, because that was his jersey number.” Elliot responds with something about her grandfather being one of the first comedy stars of the television era. Eli comes back with something about how his father had a long and somewhat successful career in the NFL. Elliot discusses her grandfathers long and varied comedy career. Eli says his brother is a 4 time MVP. Elliot says her dad was one of the original stars of Late Night With David Letterman. Eli says his brother won a superbowl before he ever did and even hosted SNL once. This is when it starts to turn. Elliot says her dad starred in a terrible sitcom called “Get A Life,” then joined the cast of SNL during the horrible late 90′s. Eli says his brother is a future hall of famer and one of the great players of all time. Elliot says her dad “played the creepy guy in “There’s Something About Mary.” and now plays a creepy dad on “How I Met Your Mother.” Eli tries to say something to make Chris Elliot a bit less pathetic, but before he can, Abby Elliot whispers in his ear, asking if she can join the Manning family.” Then she walks away dejectedly.

“We’ve got a great show tonight. Weird Al Yankovic is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.”

(Yes. I want Weird Al to be the musical guest. It’s my episode. I get to do what I want.)

COMMERCIAL PARODY:

A parody of one of those Sally Struthers style, “for the price of a cup of coffee, you can save this child’s life” commercials, except in this case, the commercial is talking about how sad it is for third world children to be stuck wearing Patriots Super Bowl 46 championship merchandise. (The pre-made championship merchandise for the team that ultimately loses a major championship is usually donated to places life Africa, Latin American and Haiti, where clothes are desperately needed.)  It turns out, this commercial is asking people to donate money so the victims of famine and drought can get Giants stuff, so at least they look like they know what’s going on in the rest of the world. Kristen Wiig can play an overly emotional actress with no makeup and tears streaming down her face.

FIRST SKIT:

It’s an accounting office. It starts with two guys sitting in an office. One is the boss, played by Jason Sudeikis. The other is an employee, played by Bobby Moynihan. The employee is complaining that the firm has hired some hot shot young accountant to a giant contract, even though he’s never shown any evidence in his career that he’s worth the money. Sudeikis responds with a comment about the kid’s potential. At this point, Eli walks in. He’s playing the hotshot young accountant.  It turns out, his father and older brother are both GREAT accountants. They’re legends.  Moynihan looks over at his boss. The boss responds with a knowing look. They hired this kid because of his DNA more than his ability to do accounting. He gets right to work. At first, he makes stupid mistakes. He forgets to carry the 7. He leaves out a decimal place. But, as the skit goes on, he gets better. At the end of the day, he makes an amazing accounting move and everyone in the office changes their opinion of him. The last line is something about how the accounting helped the company score a big payment from the firm of Brady, Belichick and Welker.

SECOND SKIT:

It’s a Kristen Wiig sketch. She plays one of her wack-a-doo characters that you laugh at even though you’ve seen it a hundred times. Let’s say it’s the Target Lady. Eli plays one of the customers.

THIRD SKIT:

It’s halftime at the Superbowl. The Giants come into the locker room. Tom Coughlin, played by Jason Sudeikis in his Joe Biden wig, is trying to pump the team up. But Eli, playing himself, can’t sit still. He keeps running to the locker room door and looking out. Turns out, he LOVES Madonna. He doesn’t want to miss a second. As Coughlin tries to give an inspirational speech, Eli keeps interjecting

-”Oh my god, guys, she’s dressed like Cleopatra!”

-”OOOH. She’s doing Vogue now”

-”Oh no, Madonna almost fell, you guys”

-”She’s Dancing! Hey, Victor, she’s dancing!” (This gives the horrible Jay Pharoah a chance to get into the episode. He can play Victor Cruz. When Eli yells this, Pharoah gets up and does a salsa. He doesn’t speak. That’s best for all of us)

-”Hey guys, I think that Indian lady just gave me the finger.”

Finally, he just breaks out and sings all of Like a Prayer.

When he’s done. The whole team stares at him in silence. Then he says, “Let’s go get ‘em!” and runs out of the locker room.

MUSICAL GUEST:

Ladies and gentleman, Weird Al Yankovic!

WEEKEND UPDATE:

At some point, Eli comes out and speaks with Seth Myers and says he’s gotten really comfortable with the media in the past few weeks and whats to try something new. So, he anchors a little weekend update. And makes really weird jokes before Myers cuts him off.

FOURTH SKETCH:

It opens with Eli’s Disney World commercial. Then it finds him sitting in a convertible with a guy in a Mickey Mouse costume. Its the Disney World parade. They’re waving to the crowd. Eli tries to talk to the Mickey guy. He gets no response. He tries again. Still nothing. Then he says, “Oh, that’s right. Guys in Disney costumes aren’t supposed to speak.” Then the Mickey guy says, ” I can talk. I just don’t want to talk to you, you rube.” Turns out, the guy in the costume is a Pats fan. The conversation continues to get heated as they keep waving to the crowd, until finally, Mickey shoves Eli and Eli rears back and punches Mickey in the face. The skit ends with a mock newspaper, with the picture of Eli punching Mickey and the headline “Disney World Disaster.”

FIFTH SKETCH:

It’s inside a living room. A group of guys sits around. They’re preparing for a fantasy football draft. One of the guys mentions that its too bad “Phil” had to drop out of the league this year. Another guy says, “Don’t worry. I found an awesome replacement. My brother in law plays golf with Eli Manning’s agent.” Doorbell rings and Eli walks in. He’s holding a plate of brownies, which he made for the gathering. The other guys in the room are a mix of excited at having Eli in their fantasy draft and annoyed that he knows the game so much better than them that he’ll definitely win. The draft starts. When Eli’s first pick comes around, he takes himself, then says something about having to be confident in yourself. Everyone agrees. With his second round pick, Eli takes Peyton Manning. Everyone looks surprised. One guy says, “You’re taking two quarterbacks with your first two picks?” Eli says something about not wanting to make his mom angry. The draft continues. With his third pick, Eli takes “Number 88 on my team.” One of the other guys says, “You mean Hakeem Nicks?” Eli sounds unsure. “Yeah.. that guy makes a lot of touchdowns.” (yes.. he says makes touchdowns.) The draft continues. With his fourth pick, Eli tries to draft his father. Now the draft stops. One of the guys says “there aren’t even enough bench slots to have 3 qb’s. And your father has been retired for 40 years.” Eli looks puzzled.  Another guy in the room speaks up, “Eli, do you know who any of the players in the NFL are besides you and your brother?” It turns out, he doesn’t. Instead, he says. “I saw Giselle’s husband in US Weekly. He looked familiar. Is he a football player?”

SIXTH SKETCH:

That Keenan Thompson old guy sells a sex instruction tape sketch. Eli is the costar. All the sex positions he demonstrates are football related.

MUSICAL GUEST:

“Once again, Weird Al Yankovic..”

FINAL SKETCH OF THE NIGHT:

A bunch of guys sit around a table. They’re comparing stories from life. Each one gets weirder than the last. Eli says strange stuff about being abducted by Mexican drug lords and watching really weird porn and having a list of what ways he’d like to kill someone from most fun to least. Burning someone alive is most fun. Running them over with a car is least. It’s a really weird sketch. But its the last one of the night, and that’s what’s supposed to happen. It’s a loosely organized collection of strange non sequiturs.

GOODNIGHTS:

Eli thanks Weird Al and the cast and Lorne Michaels.

SHOW ENDS.

 

2 Comments »

  1. aashish February 8, 2012 at 2:58 am -

    quite possibly the best thing you’ve ever written. it would be funny if the guy dressed as mickey mouse was tiquan underwood (he needed the work) but about 20 people on this planet would get that joke

  2. Frank Garrity February 8, 2012 at 8:26 am -

    I think you’ve missed your true calling!!!

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