Monday Night, the Knicks lost to the Raptors in what Twitter seems to indicate was a somewhat exciting and completely maddening game. I didn’t see it.
Time Warner Cable and the Madison Square Garden Network are currently engaged in a giant pissing contest over rights fees or some such garbage. But, it’s Time Warner customers who are being forced to take a golden shower. THEY TOOK OUR MSG AWAY.
So, how did I spend the three hours of tv viewing time that normally would have been dedicated to watching the Knicks? I’m glad you asked.
7:30pm- I watched the last few minutes of the NBC Sports Network documentary “Cold War,” about the 1972 Canada-USSR Summit Series. Watch this if you get the chance. Phil Esposito is particularly charming. NBC Sports Network is the new name of Versus, by the way. It’s fitting, then, that I stole the picture above from Darren Rovell’s website. I think he has a show on that channel.
7:35pm- I switched over to Nets vs. Pacers on the YES Network. In theory, the presence of the Nets on tv should help cushion the blow of losing the Knicks. But, HOLY SHIT, they are terrible. I will be shocked if they win 10 games this season. Not only are they bad, but they are also boring as shit to watch. If not for the great broadcast team of Ian Eagle and Mike Fratello, I don’t know that I would have made it through an entire quarter. Also, Marshon Brooks seems like a keeper. If you can manage to sit through a Nets game for an extended period of time, keep an eye on the rookie out of Providence.
8:00pm-On to CBS and and a new episode of How I Met Your Mother. This is one of my favorite shows and this was a pretty funny episode. It wasn’t perfect though. Kal Penn (who I went to high school with) continues to prove that he’s actually a very bad actor. He’s incredibly stiff and seems to be forcing a “tv voice” in all of his scenes. (The preceding sentence is not sour grapes. At least not entirely.) I also have issues with the way TV shows and movies depict the broadcast news business. How did Robin get from her apartment to Times Square midway through New Year’s Eve? If she wasn’t in position by 4pm, she couldn’t have gotten close to the network’s broadcast position. And then she left in the middle of the broadcast and still managed to get back? COME ON! And who was she talking to on that headset? The only guy she was communicating with was two feet away from her.
Anyway, the last scene of this episode made me cry a little. And that’s saying something, considering it featured Chris Elliot and the girl from American Pie who jammed a flute into her vagina.
8:30pm-I didn’t change the channel fast enough so I was forced to see the first couple of minutes of the terrible CBS show, “Two Broke Girls.” Here are my issues with this show, in convenient bullet points.
-It’s nothing but obvious dick jokes.
-Kat Dennings delivers all the obvious dick jokes with no personality or inflection.
-The stories all seem like rejected scripts from I Love Lucy, except they somehow seem more dated than Lucy and Ethel
-Why do they make Kat Dennings squeeze into such tight outfits? She is not fat, but she’s not thin either. This show makes her look like a sausage that has been stuffed into a too small casing.
8:32pm-Back to the Nets. They are still terrible.
8:35pm- The Food Network is showing a marathon of Diners, Drives Ins and Dives. The internet tells me I should hate Guy Fieri, and I can see where his personality can get grating, but I love this show. It’s all about making cheeseburgers better and putting gravy on things. Whenever I finish an episode, I want to open a restaurant that serves enhanced cheeseburgers and gravy sandwiches.
9:00pm-In lieu of MSG and MSG plus, the folks at Time Warner Cable have decided to extend the free preview of NBA league pass to a second week. So, I looked for a game to watch. I settled on T’Wolves-Spurs. Ricky Rubio really impressed me. But then there was a timeout and my TV A-D-D kicked in.
9:05pm-back to Diners, Drive Ins and Dives. This guy makes Pastrami out of bison meat! It marinates for 7 days and then sits in a smoker for 8 hours!
9:08pm-Nets-Pacers again. Seriously, they are horrible. How do they expect to keep Deron Williams
9:12pm- I flipped to the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl sponsored by Tostitos on ESPN. I’m supposed to be excited to see Andrew Luck and Justin Blackmon. I am not. TOSTITOS!
9:20pm- Let’s see what’s happening on the Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC. I am an ultra liberal New York Jew and a political junkie. Tuesday is the Iowa Caucus. And yet, I can’t listen to any more discussion of the Republican field. Jesus, GOP, just pick your favorite backwards monster already, so we can move on to your veiled references to Barack Obama’s dangerous blackness.
9:26pm- Diners, Drive Ins and Dives again. This guy makes authentic chimichangas in the back of a converted mail truck! How do you know it’s a mail truck? See those two little balls? (That’s a slightly altered version of my favorite joke from Three Amigos.)
9:30pm-Back to the T’wolves and Spurs. A quick glance shows me Kevin Love is not on the floor. I want to see Kevin Love
9:31pm- COFFEE TIME! This is the time when I go to the kitchen and make coffee
9:32- Oh Shit! Robocop is on Cinemax. I will watch that for awhile
9:34-My buzzer rings. FRESH DIRECT IS HERE! One of the great joys of living in New York City is the fact that groceries come right to your door (and you get to pay a ridiculous markup plus a delivery charge plus a nice tip to the guy. And it comes in moving boxes instead of bags so, after you unpack all your groceries, you have a kitchen full of giant cardboard boxes that have to be dealt with. And they always forget to include the itemized receipt that is promised on the Fresh Direct website. And how is it possible that the bananas are green when you unpack them, but still manage to be rotten two days later?) It really is a great service.
9:45pm-Bucks and Nuggets on league pass. At this point, I’m not really watching. It’s just on in front of me as my mind wanders. What am I thinking about? Mainly the different types of food I will put my world famous gravy on top of when I open my enhanced cheeseburger and gravy sandwich restaurant. Meatloaf, portabella mushrooms, strawberries. The possibilities are endless.
10:00pm-Let’s watch the end of the Nets and Pacers. It’s not close. Johan Petro is a major player for New Jersey. So is Shelden Williams. Let’s be honest. Shelden Williams has the forehead of someone who suffers from Down Syndrome. He also lacks any offensive ability. Stop passing him the ball, Jordan Farmar!
10:10pm-My remote control is kind of broken. So, sometimes, you hit a button and it doesn’t respond or it responds late. This means when I’m trying to turn on channel 727 (it used to be MSG, but for the time being it’s NBA TV,) I end up on channel 72 instead. That’s the New York City Traffic Cam channel. It just shows blurry camera shots of random intersections in the city, while random city government public service announcements play in the background. It’s oddly compelling.
10:15pm-NBA Gametime on NBA TV. Now, that the Knick game is over, I can watch highlights and see what I missed. Unfortunately, the game that they’re discussing when I flip over is…. Nets/Pacers.
I’m going to read a book.