Short Circuit, Long Careers and Longer Articles About Stuff I Don’t Care About

Justin December 13, 2011 0

Remember the movie, “Short Circuit?”

A robot named Johnny 5 becomes alive and then Steve Guttenberg drives in a van with Ally Sheedy and a guy doing a bad Indian accent.  Also, Johnny 5 faces off with some gang members and tells one of them, “You’re mother is a snowblower.” THAT IS A GREAT INSULT!

Recently, the SCP comments section had it’s own Johnny 5 moment. It’s alive!

It started when I posted the hilarious picture of Raiders linebacker Rolando McClain being arrested. Almost instantly, the comments started pouring in. A few were overtly racist and we, rightly, erased them immediately. A couple were very funny. One was very, very dumb.

pklNFL Says:
December 2nd, 2011 at 1:31 pm e

What a shitty article….We dont even know what happened!

Loyal readers know how I usually deal with these sorts of comments.

First of all, pkINFL, thanks for reading. NOW GO FUC….

But wait. Before I could even finish the thought, other SCP readers did the job for me.

Just two hours later, a commenter named ep posted this:

ep Says:
December 2nd, 2011 at 3:36 pm e

pkINFL: This post is about the goofy pic. Click the today link. It takes you to a news site that provides all the details about the arrest.
Using the Internet is only as difficult as you make it.

And about an hour after that came this post from Doc Holliday:

Doc Holliday Says:
December 2nd, 2011 at 4:47 pm e


You can’t think at ALL for yourself. Oh your folks must be so proud.

Well I’m all about helping the underprivleged…..try this:

Both ep and Doc Holliday did a great job taking down an idiot. I’m really proud of them both. But, I must admit, a little part of me is sad. They’re quick commenting makes my own response unnecessary.

There’s now no reason for me to ask pkINFL if leaving that comment is really the best use of the couple minutes of daily internet time the doctors allot to him in between shock therapy and arts and crafts time.  And it’s completely superflous for me to wonder, in print, whether or not his brain is suffering from a lack of oxygen because he’s so clearly a mouth-breathing retarded troglodyte who’s never used the internet before.

So, I won’t do it. Instead, I’ll just say this.

Hey, pkINFL, your mother is a snowblower. Now, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Sports Illustrated. December 12th, 2011.

Pat  Summitt, Basketball, Tennessee Vols



Bobby Valentine gets double billing in this week’s preamble. He’s the topic of Dan Patrick’s “Just My Type” interview and he’s Joe Sheehan’s selected topic for “Inside Baseball.” I’m actually surprised by Sheehan’s relatively glowing discussion of the new Red Sox manager. At first glance, Valentine does not seem like the type of manager that a stats guy like Sheehan would like. Bobby V orchestrates his strategy from the gut. He manages by feel and instinct as much as he relies on scouting reports or mathematical tendencies. But, when you dig a little deeper, you realize Bobby V is exactly the type of guy Sheehan should like. He’s an outlier. He doesn’t buy into baseball orthodoxy just for the sake of buying in. He questions everything and comes up with his own conclusions. And while his answers aren’t statistically based, there is a fundamental kinship between his philosophy and that of the “Moneyball” set.


SportsMan and Sportswoman Of The Year by Alexander Wolff

You can question whether or not Coach K and Pat Summitt are really the right choices for this award. I think that’s especially true for Coach K, whose all times wins record didn’t seem significant until he set it. It’s not the type of mark that gets the juices flowing for average sports fans. Coach Summitt is obviously a different case.  Her diagnosis of early onset Alzheimers and her decision to continue coaching through it are certainly noteworthy. The circumstances make her a more compelling figure outside the sports world than inside it. By that logic, she is certainly the Sportsperson of the year.  If you’re talking simply about accomplishment on the field, Aaron Rodgers probably should have been the choice.

The most interesting figure in Alexander Wolff’s piece about Coach K and Summitt is actually the Tennessee coach’s 21 year old son, who speaks with an authority and a world-weary maturity of a man twice his age.

Sugar Ray Leonard by Lee Jenkins

I haven’t been wondering how Sugar Ray has been doing. I didn’t need to catch up with him.

Chris Evert by L. Jon Wertheim

Chris Every exudes regret. She broke up a marriage to be with Greg Norman, then saw that explode in a matter of months. I imagine her kids don’t like her very much these days. Now, she’s sad and alone. The fact that I was able to discern that from a one page interview is a sign that L. Jon Wertheim asked the perfect questions.

Wayne Gretzky by Brian Cazanueve

Wayne Gretzky is the most interesting of the three former Sportsmen/women of the year, so it’s weird that SI left him for last. He’s another guy that sounds like he has regrets. The Great One says he’s happy with where he is in life, but, in reality, gives off the impression that he’s longing to get back into the game and erase his mostly negative experience in Phoenix.

The New No-Names by Ben Reiter

I was under the impression that the Pats defense is terrible. I was under this impression because it’s been hammered into my head all season by NFL analysts. Now, I’m supposed to believe they’re good? Pick a side, football establishment.

One Team, 25 Years On by Peter King

A GREAT article. King lays out the good and the bad for former players a decade or more removed from their careers. And by focusing on one team, in this case the ’86 Bengals, he shows that the experience is truly unique from player to player. My initial impression was that King had chosen to catch up with a team he had covered, personally, on a day to day basis, sort of a Joe Posnanski approach to sportswriting. But, it turns out King left the Cincinnati Enquirer for Newsday following the 1985 season.

So I Went To Vegas…. by Austin Murphy

This is a great way to take down the BCS. The argument is made almost before the article begins. By covering what was supposed to be the most important day of the college season from a sports book instead of a game site, Murphy makes an incredibly strong case.

How To Be An American by Charles P. Pierce

This week’s issue of Sports Illustrated is very long. There was no way I could read the entire thing. Something had to give. In the future, if you want to take bets on what sort of SI story I would skip, a long article about Vietnamese immigrants playing high school football in Western Arkansas, penned by an author whose tortured metaphors and overall wordiness give me migraines is pretty much a sure thing.

Best. Night. Ever. by Lee Jenkins

I feel like this article has already been published. Like two months ago. It was very good, though. I enjoyed it.

It’s All About Ovie by Michael Farber

What is this article about? Is it about Alex Ovechkin’s strange statistical tumble? Is it about his relationship with Bruce Boudreau? Is it about the Caps reaction the a coaching change?  i read it and I still don’t know.

According to Alex Kline by Jim Gorant

Somehow we get through an entire profile of this kid without learning anything about him or what he does. Gorant’s written it as an outsider observing Alex Kline in his element, though he never successfully gets inside. What’s the point? This kid should be really interesting.

The Education of Walter Iooss Jr. by Walter Iooss Jr and Chris Ballard

How do you pronounce Iooss? I’ve always wondered. Anyway, he comes off as a name dropper and a star fucker, though the stories about Barry Bonds and Lebron James being dicks were entertaining.

Point After by Phil Taylor

Phil Taylor presents an interesting topic and makes interesting points. I just wish he didn’t use so many terrible metaphors and shitty asides to make it.

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