I fell down this morning.
This was no stumble or skipped step. This was a full on, tripped over the ottoman in my bedroom, went airborne and landed flat on my face and watched my glasses skid across the floor fall.
There was a split second after it happened when I was lying there and had to take a quick inventory. Do my wrists hurt? No. Do my legs hurt? No. Is my back ok? Yes. Am I bleeding? No.
That’s the ultimate fear for a single person living alone. What if I get severely injured or even die and no one is here to find me? There’s also a semi-related fear which may only exist in my head: If I die, how will everyone find out?
I actually think about that one a lot. I have some friends that live in far flung parts of the country and some others that aren’t part of larger circles. How will they learn about my untimely demise? But, I’m a problem solver. I’ve come up with a solution.
THE JUSTIN IS DEAD PHONE TREE
It starts with SCP readers BShrek and Beltway Buddy, since I imagine my family wil contact them first. After the initial shock wears off and the sobbing has subsided a bit, they will begin the process by contacting the members of our core circle of friends. Those members will then contact members of the 2nd circle of friends.
Bshrek will also be responsible for contacting King Ing, who will, in turn, be tasked with passing the news on to any shared friends and acquaintances who we have. He must also post a heartfelt and tasteful obituary on this site. (Note: no shirtless soccer stars, please.)
At the same time, Beltway Buddy will call John from 200 Miles From The Citi. (Even in death I provide links. What a good friend I am. No wonder everyone is going to miss me.) John will then contact SCP Book Club members Dave in Brighton and Kevin. They will then work together to contact anyone else from college who needs to know. They will also be responsible for getting my death notice included in the BU alumni magazine. (Make it special. Lie if you have to.)
Either Bshrek or Beltway Buddy will have contacted SCP Book Club member Craig in their initial round of calls. It is his job to contact our high school friends who do not reside in the core circle. During these discussions, he must also figure out how to contact the Montana Bureau.
No one has to worry about contacting any of my friends from work or other colleagues. I trust my family will get in touch with my employer and word will spread through the office from there.
I think that should pretty much cover everyone. I hope it’s not too much work or responsibility for anyone involved. But, if it is, I’ll offer up an alternative. Just tweet that shit, #Justinfellanddied.
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I don’t like College Football. Ordinarily, I would jump right past an Inside College Football column in SI. Thank god I didn’t do that this week. Andy Staples piece, on Rich Rodriguez’s first 48 hours as head coach at Arizona was fascinating, and a lot of fun to read. I love the fact that new coaches have to take an online NCAA compliance test. It makes getting a big time coaching job seem like getting your drivers license renewed.
‘Tis The Season by Lee Jenkins
SI’s haphazard NBA preview issue begins with a pretty comprehensive discussion of the league’s labor outlook moving forward. It provided key information without getting too bogged down in legalese. This sort of piece is necessary following any work stoppage. Thankfully, it wasn’t too hard to get through.
Scouting Reports by SI Staff
I’m terribly disappointed. SI’s NBA preview is, traditionally, one of my two favorite issues of the year (along with the baseball preview.) This one feels rushed and it’s out way too early. Instead of dedicating a page to each team, the magazine sums up each franchise in three small paragraphs, with each NBA division taking up 2 pages. And why was it written now, before training camp starts and before any transactions can take place? My guess is that the rest of SI’s year is already mapped out, with both the Sportsman of the Year issue and the year in review issue set to hit newsstands and mailboxes in coming weeks. It’s a shame but, perhaps, an unavoidable one.
Once More With Feeling by Lars Anderson
I probably wouldn’t have watched the BCS national championship game no matter who was playing. But a rematch of LSU and Alabama makes that a 100% certainty. The only thing more boring than this article will be that game.
#Occupy The Playoffs by Damon Hack
Arian Foster. I’m not sure. Do I like him for being intellectually curious and open to new thought? Or do I find him pretentious for heading down to Zuccotti Park and telling the protestors how much money he makes? I’ll have to get back to you on that.
Trey Magnifique by Kelli Anderson
Happy birthday college 3 point line. This is a great article.
Straight Outta Compton by Jeff Benedict and Armen Keteyian
This is an important piece about the infiltration of gangs into high school sports. At least I think it is. I didn’t read it.
Point After by Phil Taylor
I feel like the Oklahoma State plane crash should have gotten more attention. It seemed to pass in just one news cycle. Good work by Taylor to shine some attention on the story.