Empty Head, Dirty Teeth and Magic Arm

Justin October 14, 2011 0

Writer’s block is a bitch.

Sports Illustrated: October 17th, 2011

Jimmie  Johnson, Racing, NASCAR



Grant Wahl may have written the single stupidest column I have ever read. His arguments about bring European soccer style relegation to US pro sports are supported by neither fact nor logic. Here’s what would happen if we used Grant Wahl’s plan to have the worst teams in the four major leagues switch places with the best teams in their respective minor leagues. Next year, Peyton Manning, a first ballot hall of famer who is on the short list for greatest NFL quarterback ever, would be playing what might be the final season of his career in front of crowds of 8,000 fans as the Colts, relegated to the minors because of Manning’s neck injury, are forced to play semi-pro teams in cities like Bozeman, Montana and Topeka, Kansas.  Also, next year, the Cleveland Indians would be forced to play a team made up of their organization’s top prospects, because the Triple A champion Columbus Clippers would now by a major league team while the Houston Astros would move down to the minors.  What happens when Grady Sizemore suffers his annual horrible injury? Where do the Indians turn?

IT IS FUCKING IDIOTIC.  Fuck you, Grant Wahl and fuck your ridiculous crusade to prove that European soccer is better than American sports. It is never correct.


Al Davis 1929-2001 by Richard Hoffer

Al Davis was a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, he was always a guy with really disgusting looking teeth. Maybe it was the fact that his skin was so leathery and his track suits were always so white, but it always looked like he had a mouth full of baked beans and, I would imagine, just terrible, terrible breath.

Anyway, rest in peace.

It’s A Real Pennant Race by Lars Anderson

Once, I saw Jeff Gordon get out of a cab on Madison Avenue. I did not read this article.

Central Casting by Albert Chen

This article was infuriating and disingenuous. Stop referring to the Yankees as the “$200 million Yankees” and the Phillies as the “$170 million Phillies.”  As Chen points out himself, the Rangers play in the 5th largest market in the country and just signed a massive television deal. St. Louis, Milwaukee and Detroit aren’t low budget teams either. The East Coast teams don’t have a massive financial advantage over them anymore. More importantly, I would like to retire the notion that victories by so-called “money” franchises are somehow less noble than wins by other teams.

Walk On Homerun by Pablo S. Torre

It’s notable that there are two articles with baseball headlines in this week’s Sports Illustrated, yet one is about Nascar and the other is about college football. I’m happy that Dominique Whaley is doing well at Oklahoma. And I’m sorry that he’s struggling to pay the bills with a scholarship. But, maybe things would be a little easier if he didn’t have two kids already. Wear a condom!

The Invisible Fastball by Chris Ballard and Owen Good

Owen Good usually writes reviews of sports video games on Deadspin and Kotaku. It’s cool that he’s branched out. Good for him. As for this article, I’m not sure if it wants to be the tale of a singular performer who put up spectacular numbers or a slice of life piece, meant to characterize the existence of any number of career minor leaguers who toiled to make it in post war America. Either way, it worked. I really enjoyed this article and found myself rooting for Jack Swift to win his 30th game.

Point After by Phil Taylor

Obviously, I think this sucked.

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