A few weeks ago, I addressed an SCP commenter named Bobby, who posted a comment about model Kate Upton that we had to pull down off the site. You may remember. He got a bit explicit about the physical way in which he wanted to express his love for her. While possibly well intentioned, the comment was simply too much for our fair site.
During my explanation, I joked that Bobby had typed it one handed.
That throwaway line prompted another reader to post a comment of his own. So now, for what I believe may be the first time in history, I present a takedown off a commenter who is commenting on another commenter’s comment.
Of course the Upton fan was only using one hand,and I agree with the deletion, but why is it everyone has to bad mouth those that don’t sit at Starbucks and use both hands to type. Maybe we should all shit can our our hardware and go home. Whoa what an exciting Al Gore world wide web you’d have the. Yeah, and my spelling and punctuation isn’t always perfect either.
First of all, David Shiel, thanks for reading. Now, go fuck yourself.
You don’t even know how to get offended correctly. You seem to think “typing one handed” is a reference to someone who didn’t learn the right way to use a qwerty keyboard. It’s not. It’s a reference to masturbation. You know, jerkin’ it!
But, what I really enjoy is the way you jump from that innocent misconception into some sort of weird class warfare thing. I’ll admit that Starbucks coffee is expensive, a bit strong and sometimes makes me feel extra-dehydrated after drinking it, but you must really hate it. I bet I know why. I imagine that you, David Shiel, were once in line at a Starbucks. It was a busy morning. There were many other customers in the line. But you weren’t sure what you wanted. You got to the counter and the barista asked what you wanted. YOU PANICKED! “Umm…I want a large coffee.” The barista corrected you. “You mean a Venti.” The people behind you started to get impatient. “This guy doesn’t know how to order at Starbucks,” they grumbled imperceptibly and probably only in your head. And you felt shame. Screw this place and screw these people, you thought. Screw them and their two handed keyboards!
I’ll admit, the next part of your comment has me confused:
Maybe we should all shit can our our hardware and go home
That doesn’t make any sense. If you aren’t typing with two hands at the Starbucks, where else would you typing other than at your house? Where are you going home from. Also, you said “our” twice.
And what’s up with the shot at Al Gore? Are we still making Al Gore internet jokes? Aren’t those, like, 12 years old? Come on, David Shiel. You’re better than that.
Finally, you proclaim that your “spelling and punctuation isn’t always perfect.” It should be “my spelling and punctuation AREN’T always perfect.” The verb in that sentence should reflect the plural subjects (spelling and punctuation.)
Anyway, I hope this clears up your confusion. And, as I said earlier, go fuck yourself.
Ian Kennedy is a graduate of USC, one of the better schools in our fine nation. Which is why I was somewhat shocked to read his responses in this week’s Pop Culture Grid. One answer stood out more than the others. In reaction to “The Lion King 3D is…,” college graduate, major league pitcher and full grown adult Ian Kennedy responded, “Mind Bottling.” He didn’t say mind boggling, which is the actual term and makes sense in the situation. He said mind bottling, as in “This film is so good, it puts my mind in a bottle,” which is not a thing. Also, how did the SI editors not correct him? I bet he was a cocky dick while answering the questions and this is how they got back at him.
An Open and Shut Case by Tom Verducci
This seemed forced. Verducci could have just written about Verlander and Valverde instead of trying to force teams like Arizona and Texas into an article about teams with clear aces and shut down closers. CJ Wilson? JJ Putz? No thanks.
We’re In Baseball Heaven by Gary Smith
What a great idea! I really liked the way Smith used Cliff Lee’s commute to the stadium as a way to describe how Philadelphia has embraced the Phillies. But, did it seem a little racist at points to you?
Fitz Magic by Ben Reiter
I love that Ryan Fitzpatrick just hangs out in the neighborhood, eating beef stew with his friends. Why beef stew? I don’t know. Whenever I hear the term “pot luck,” I assume people are serving beef stew. And it has big chunks of carrots and celery in it. Delicious.
Getting Inside The Head Of Sidney Crosby by David Epstein and Michael Farber
In an article that features quotes from doctors, college professors and medical experts, it’s a hockey player that says the most intelligent thing.
At the end of the day, as long as the person getting the care is comfortable, I think that’s what’s important.”
Who gives a shit whether this chiropractor is a genius or a quack. If Sidney Crosby thinks he feels better, that’s all that matters.
The Thick Red Line by Lars Anderson
My cousin went to Wisconsin. She once bought me a hat.
The Hero No One Knew by Jeff Pearlman
Jeff Pearlman’s book about the 86 Mets was one of the most entertaining things I’ve ever read. This excerpt of his new Walter Payton book also seems interesting. Yet, I have no interest in reading it. I don’t care enough about Walter Payton to give a shit about his foibles.
Point After by Phil Taylor
Wow. This was fantastic. The column takes a really interesting turn. You think Phil Taylor is going with a corny story about a putz doing something stupid, then the end really surprises you. It’s totally worth your time to read it.