By all appearances, I am a nice guy. I hold the elevator for people running a second behind. I always let a lady enter a room before me. If I see the guy windex-ing the glass in my office’s revolving door, I make sure to grab the handle instead of just putting my hand on the glass.
But all of this door-related politeness masks a far darker personality, one that roots for the failure of others and revels in their sadness.
Here is a thing that happened.
Earlier this week, I was walking through Lower Manhattan on my way to work when I noticed a strange look on a woman’s face. She was on the phone. At first, I thought maybe she was laughing. But I quickly realized this wasn’t laughter at all. She was actually fighting back tears. IT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY.
Why is she crying? Who is she talking to? Did someone die? Is she fighting with her boyfriend? So many questions. I made the obvious move. I muted my Ipod but kept my headphones in so it looked like I couldn’t hear anything, then tried to catch up with her so I could hear her conversation. Unfortunately, she managed to collect herself and didn’t actually bust out into full on tears. Once that happened, I lost interest pretty quick.
The only thing better than seeing someone cry in public is seeing someone get arrested.
What did he do? Is he resisting? Will the Cops brutalize him? Is he crying? What do the police do withthe perp’s car after they drive away?
IT’S THE BEST!!!
I love this week’s sign of the Apocolypse
A study conducted by Ursinus College determined that the Bills were the NFL’s most attractive team (and the Chiefs the least attractive), based on photographic analysis of players’, coaches’ and owners’ facial-feature symmetry.
Which fan base is least attractive, though? That’s the next logical question.
(Obviously, the fact that I’ve chosen to focus on this one sentence is an indictment on the entire first half of this week’s Sports Illustrated. Nothing particularly interesting in there. And I’m tired of complaining about Joe Sheehan, who clearly looks at stats before writing his Inside Baseball columns but probably doesn’t watch many games.)
Oh Brother, What a Start by Lee Jenkins
I’ve discussed this in the past. I am completely on the fence about Rex Ryan. I like his honesty and the way he backs his team absolutely, but I am completely turned off by his big fat personality. I am not on the fence about his idiot brother. That guy is nothing but obnoxious bluster. Because of the Rob Ryan, my Sports Illustrated has the word “Ass” on the cover this week. I don’t mind the word “Ass.” I use it myself. But it doesn’t belong on magazine covers.
Here’s what I imagine it’s like to work with Rob Ryan: It’s 3:30 in the afternoon. You’re sitting in your office, minding your own business. All of sudden, Rob Ryan bursts it, farts really loudly then runs out and holds your door shut so you can’t get out. And that happens every day.
Adapt Or Die by Damon Hack
Last Sunday, I went over to my brother’s apartment to watch the early games with him and his girlfriend (his girlfriend and him? I need a grammar ruling.) She’s from Baltimore and her parents are Ravens’ season ticket holders. So, Steelers-Ravens was our main priority, with Rams-Eagles as our flip to game during commercials. At least that was the plan. Steelers-Ravens was on Channel 2. Rams-Eagles was on Channel 5. During one switch over, my brother hit channel up one time too many, so we ended up on Channel 6, which is Nickelodeon. At first, we made a joke about watching iCarly instead of football, then switched back to the Ravens game. Next commerical, it was back to iCarly, once again by accident. This time, we lingered for a couple of minutes, watching ironically, before switching back. By the third commercial, we weren’t even pretending anymore. iCarly is funny and we were watching it. The Ravens were up by 3 touchdowns. It didn’t matter if we saw every play. That older brother on iCarly was cracking us up.
Ultimate Underdog by Michael Rosenberg
Vanderbilt football is a good early season story. I bet they lose every game from here on out.
A Pitcher In His Prime by Ben Reiter
What a year for Justins! Verlander is a Cy Young winner and possible MVP. Justin Upton has an outside shot at the NL MVP award as he leads the D-Backs to a surprising division title. Justin Turner exists, has red hair and is on the Mets.
Plus, I’m obviously great.
Stormy Weather by Chris Mannix
Fuck Floyd Mayweather. He sounds like a terrible guy.
The Outrage Open by S.L. Price
There was all this controversy at this year’s US Open. But the biggest outrage for tennis should be the fact that, with the exception of Serena, I never heard about any of it AND I LIVE IN NEW YORK.
Junior Johnson Has A Lot To Say, Yes by Lars Anderson
Here’s a fun fact. In the past 3 years, I have only driven a car two times.
Point After by Phil Taylor
Acronyms stand for one thing, but what if they stood for something else? Wouldn’t that be hilarious? No. No it would not.