Commenter Creeps and Congressman Sleeps

Justin September 12, 2011 1

King Ing was recently away from the site for a couple of weeks. He’s obviously a very important part of the team.  He posts the vast majority of our content, populating our site with videos of soccer players I’ve never heard of and pictures of the hot women those soccer players date.

He also runs all the behind the scenes stuff. One of those tasks is policing our comments section.  He keeps spam messages, strange internet advertisements and weird foreign gibberish off the site. He also has the power to remove comments that are offensive, objectionable or just strange creepy. I’m not talking about comments that insult us, challenge our opinions or question our intelligence. Those are welcome on SCP. Keep the coming. I’m talking about weird shit.

Anyway, while King Ing was away, these comments did not get policed so they ended up lingering on the site. One, in particular, caught my attention. It was posted underneath a photo of the supermodel, Kate Upton. The King is back and the comment is now gone. Luckily, I held on to it.

 Bobby

I want to fuck her so hard she can taste my dick in her mouth for the rest of her life

Wow.

First of all, Bobby, thanks for reading.

I hope you understand why we decided to remove your comment from our site. It seems a bit aggressive and, honestly, a little bit creepy.

I will admit that, on occasion, I, too, see a woman and develop amorous feelings towards her. I may even imagine myself spending time with her in a biblical sense. But, one thing I have never done is actually sit down and type out those feelings in order to share them with others.

Your thought process confounds me. Over the course of a few minutes, you internet-surfed your way to SportsCracklePop. Perhaps you read a few postings (I hope I made you laugh AND THINK!) Maybe you watched a wacky video or two. I’m not sure. But I do know you eventually found your way to a photo of Ms. Upton. Upon first glance, you thought to yourself, “Wow, this young woman is quite fetching. Her physical features have stirred my libido up in a very real way.” That is fine. As I said, I’ve felt this way myself in the past. Most people have.  But you didn’t let it stop there. You did this:

1. Clicked on “Comments”

2. Wrote a sentence which included the phrase “taste my dick for the rest of her life” (probably with one hand.)

3. Entered YOUR NAME

4. Clicked “Submit Comment”

5. Smiled a self-satisfied smile, happy to know that you had shared this private thought with the world.

That’s five steps. How is it possible that, at no point during those five steps, did your brain not say, “you know what, Bob-o? I don’t think we should post this sentence on the internet. It’s a bit much.”

Also, I’m no doctor, but I don’t think a woman’s birth canal connects directly to her digestive tract. Kate Upton would have to be suffering from some serious ulceration in either her vaginal passage or the lining of her throat in order for her to “taste it” as you so eloquently put it. And if she is in such a precarious medical state, it seems like she may not be up to such a vigorous session of lovemaking in the first place.

Ordinarily, I end these messages by telling the commenter to go fuck them self.  In this case, though, it sounds like Bobby’s been doing that a lot lately.

Sports Illustrated: September 11, 2011.

Michael Ford, College Football, LSU Tigers

 

PREGAME:

This week’s Inside The NFL column from Peter King and Jim Trotter was great. King provides readers with the key story lines that will dominate the early part of the NFL season, while Trotter identifies key early match ups and a player who, he thinks, is an important factor in the AFC. These two pages were far more effective in getting me psyched for the upcoming season than the entirety of last week’s NFL preview issue.

THE ARTICLES

Ten Years by Tim Layden

I was at Sunday’s tenth anniversary commemoration of the terror attacks at the World Trade Center.  If you find that a bit odd, considering that just a week ago, I was trying to name my fantasy football team 9/11, you aren’t alone. I actually wore a John Lennon t-shirt underneath my shirt while I was there, because if me finding out I would be there a day after writing that post last week isn’t Instant Karma, I don’t know what is.

The event was as solemn, moving and hopeful as you would imagine it to be. I was there to produce a three hour live radio broadcast of the memorial service. It included the reading of the names, as well as a number of live guests who sat down with our three anchors. One of those guests was a local Congressman.  He took a seat in front of the guest microphone about two hours into the program, while our anchors were speaking with a field reporter live on the air. Despite the fact that he was sitting in front of a live microphone preparing to give an interview in a matter of seconds, the Congressman somehow managed to fall asleep. It looked like he was a narcoleptic. I was standing across from him, but wasn’t too concerned because on of his aides was next to him and, I thought, noticed what had happened. But, as our anchor began introducing the Congressman, the aide made no move. Her boss was still asleep about 2 seconds before he was about to be introduced. It was then that I decided to take action. I smacked him in the arm with my notebook, in order to wake him up. Let me put that a different way. I SMACKED A CONGRESSMAN ON THE ARM WITH MY NOTEBOOK TO WAKE HIM UP!

The Start of Something Big by Austin Murphy

There used to be this thing called Boxing. It was a very popular professional sport. For many years, it was second only to baseball in popularity among American sports fans. But, eventually, it was eaten alive by its own disfunction and scandal and now exists as a niche sport enjoyed mainly by old people. I hope the same thing happens to college football.

Good And Nasty by Ben Reiter

The graphic that accompanies this article compares the Braves’ bullpen with other three headed monster pens, like the 1990 Reds and the late 90′s Yankees. They also throw the 2003 Dodgers in there. No one remembers the 2003 Dodgers bullpen. I read this article a few minutes ago, and I have already forgotten who the third person in the Dodgers triumvirate was.  It was Eric Gagne, Paul Quantrill and…. I don’t remember.

Double Feature by Tim Layden

Did Not Read. Do Not Care.

The Trials Of Diana Taurasi by Kelli Anderson

This was actually helpful. I remember reading about Taurasi’s positive drug test on the ESPN crawl a few times, then reading that it had been overturned a few weeks later on that same crawl. But, until reading Anderson’s article, I didn’t know the details. I like Diana Taurasi. I hope she is successful.

The House of Dream Chasers by S.L. Price

This was very, very long. The whole thing sort of set Gary Patterson up as this great football mind who was loyal and committed and never forgot where he came from.  Then, this sentence shows up towards the end of the article, during a discussion of Patterson’s hometown’s 125th anniversary.

Gary arrives just before 7. It was touch-and-go whether he’d make it—he’s got a Nike event in Fort Worth the next day—but at the last minute Lowe lent him the Four Sevens jet.

Sounds like Gary Patterson’s a lot more loyal to a shoe company and a TCU Booster than he is to his hometown.

Point After by Joe Posnanski

Really bad. It reads like the offspring of a sad one night stand between a column by Steve Rushin and a column by Rick Reilly.

 

One Comment »

  1. david shiel September 12, 2011 at 8:21 pm -

    Of course the Upton fan was only using one hand,and I agree with the deletion, but why is it everyone has to bad mouth those that don’t sit at Starbucks and use both hands to type. Maybe we should all shit can our our hardware and go home. Whoa what an exciting Al Gore world wide web you’d have the. Yeah, and my spelling and punctuation isn’t always perfect either.

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