Funny or Die gets my idol, Kenny Powers for this great skit featuring him as the new K-Swiss CEO. The man is a MF boss. He hires an All Star staff featuring Matt Cassell, Jon Jones, Rey Mysterio, Jillian Michaels and Patrick Willis. And his business sense is impeccable. Just look at the way he deals with Mark Cuban and Michael Bay.

Btw the language is so NSFW. You can pretty much count double figure obscenities within the first minute of the video.

I spend a lot of time listening to sports talk radio. And when I’m not listening, I’m usually watching it. (Thanks to Time Warner Cable in NYC, I can literally watch nothing but simulcasts of sports talk radio shows from 6am to 6pm every week day.)

In all this time, though, I’ve never called in to a sports talk show. I’ve never seen the value in waiting on hold for an hour, just to say, “I agree with you, Mike, they should hold on to Reyes.”

That said, I do have some tips for those who plan on dialing in and joining the conversation.

-Don’t introduce yourself.

Here’s what I hate:

Host: Charlie in the Bronx, Whats up Charlie?

Caller: Hey, Joe, It’s Charlie.

First of all, that has already been established. More importantly, though, no one gives a shit who you are. You are just a guy on a phone, like every other caller for the past 3 hours. Your identity does not make your opinion any more or less valid.

-Drop the niceties and stop kissing ass

Host: Morton in Michigan, you’re next.

Caller: Hi, Phil, how are you doing today?

Host: I’m fine, Morton, what’s on your mind?

Caller: Well, first of all, this is a great show. I’m a big fan.

Just get to the point. You and the host are not forming a lifelong friendship here. He or she is giving you 30 seconds to make your point. If it’s a good one, you may get a full minute. Don’t waste the first half treating it like small talk at the post office. HIDE YOUR RADIO BONER.

-Don’t be creepy or condescending

Female hosts on sports talk radio are still relatively rare. But the number is growing. And just like men, some are great and some are not. They do not need you to validate them.

Host: Leonard in Leonardo, you’re up

Caller: Hello Mary. I’ve got to say, you really know your stuff.

Host: Thanks. What’s do you want to talk about?

Caller: It’s nice to talk to a lovely young lady on this station for once.

Host: Sure. What’s up?

Caller: Have you ever watched a football game?

And it goes on like that. Even worse, is when sad old men call and sing to the female hosts. I know a thing or two about creeping women out. There is no surer way to do it than to sing Perry Como songs at them.

You are not funny

Do you do imitations? Are you a fan of Crank Yankers and the Jerky Boys? Then sign up for an open mic night at the Giggle Factory or Wacky Banana Jerry’s. Don’t try out your material during my important discussion of whether Derek Jeter is good.

Host: Bill in Chappaqua, You’re the next caller.

Caller (In smoky southern accent): Hi. This is Bill Clinton. I think Derek Jeter sucks. And I know about things that suck, because of Monica Lewetsky.

Why can’t these guys at least be current with their terrible jokes? And why do they always make at least one basic factual error in their comedy, like using the wrong last name in the punchline? Don’t you people rehearse your bits?

I’m sure there’s more to say, but I’ll stop at these four basic tips for now. If you would like to add your own, use the comments section.

Obviously, there is no Sports Illustrated this week. Instead, I’ve decided to share some thoughts on a few of the other things I’ve read online this week.

INTERNET!

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Nobody like my third favorite “The Hills” reality star to take us into the weekend like Audrina Patridge.

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Leave it to Justin Timberlake to rescue what is usually a disaster…The ESPY’s.

Plus who can resist all these nut shots.

-H/T HotClicks

Deadspin just made my day with the photo gallery of Mark Cuban enjoying the party life at Indiana University. The Mavericks owner acted just like the rest of us in college.

The only difference is he became a billionaire and the rest of us didn’t. Wonder if he knew that was going to happen.

I love this guy!

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I bet you Abigail Clancy didn’t picture this unfortunate incident  happening on her wedding day. Do you see what I see?

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Who says you need a uniform to reach 2nd base?

Make sure you stick through to the end so you can hear the announcers lose it.

h/t John

As a long time member of the Nike team, the company decided to gift the Brazilian Ronaldo a pair of  his legendary R9 Mercurial boots in solid gold.

Pretty cool retirement present. Most people just get a lame party with cake.

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Some people like to sit down, read a book and enjoy a cup of tea. Well, if you do that with Michael D’Antonio’s newest offering, “A Full Cup,” you’ll be enjoying a cup of tea while reading about the guy who made that cup of tea possible. It’s the story of Thomas Lipton, who brought the drink of kings to the people, then became one of the most famous sportsmen in the world.

We’re also making some history today. We spoke to Michael D’Antonio about a year and a half ago, when he released his last book, “Forever Blue,” a biography of Walter O’Malley. Today, he becomes the first author to sit down for two SCP interviews. And, as you’ll see, he knows exactly how important that really is.

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Funny or Die puts together a Pro-Bowl cast for this short skit featuring Taylor Lautner as an Iowa farmer who hears voices, interprets them as a command to build a football field in his fields; he does, and the National Football League comes.

Ray Lewis, Tony Gonzalez, Shawne Merriman, Antonio Cromartie, Kirk Morrison, Steve Smith, Shaun Phillips, Dwight Freeney, and Desean Jackson all show up to play.

Have to love anything Ray Liotta and Dennits Haysbert are in.