As I’ve mentioned in the past, I have some issues when I travel. Namely, I can’t shit on the road. I’m not talking Maya Rudolph in “Bridesmaids”, literally shitting on a road. I mean I have trouble defecating when not in the comfort of my home or at my office.
As a result, the vast majority of my vacations are punctuated with one horrible episode, when my body just can’t take it anymore and the bowels decide to move RIGHT NOW. This never happens while I’m sitting comfortably at a friend’s house or lying in bed in a hotel. No, it happens at bars. Or museums. Or rest stops. Or random restaurants at the side of the highway.
Let’s have some fun with my misfortune. Tomorrow, I leave for 5 days in Boston. Place your bets.
WHERE WILL I SHIT? AND WHEN?
Here’s a little more information before you put your money down.
I will be staying with Dave in Brighton and his wife. The bathroom in their home is right next to their bedroom. That means I can hear them speaking if I’m in there while they are in their room. HEARING SOMEBODY TALK STOPS ME FROM SHITTING.
SCP commenter Scott Salley (not his real name) is introducing us to his girlfriend for the first time during this trip. MEETING NEW PEOPLE MAKES ME SELF CONSCIOUS AND STOPS ME FROM SHITTING.
John from 200 Miles From The Citi’s wife is poised to give birth at any moment. I CAN PROBABLY SHIT AT A HOSPITAL.
I may be attending a Red Sox game during the visit. Taking a dump at a baseball stadium sounds like the grossest thing in the world. I TEND TO DUMP AT GROSS PLACES.
Last time I was in Boston, the shitting happened on night 4 of a 5 day visit, at a dive bar in Harvard Square, immediately after finishing 2nd in trivia. I plan on playing trivia again during this visit, only I intend on winning this time. GOD PUNISHES ME FOR FEELING JOY BY SHOOTING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF HUMAN WASTE THROUGH MY ANUS AT THE EXACT MOMENT WHEN THAT JOY IS FELT.
So.. Armed with that information. Take a guess. Whoever comes closest gets to guest author an SCP post on the topic of your choosing. Good luck and God Speed.