Amish Living, Credit Giving and Little League Fibbing

Justin June 17, 2011 0

I like the show, “In Plain Sight,” on USA. Mary McCormack plays a perpetually angry US Marshall who oversees people in the witness protection agency. Her partner’s name is Marshall, which means he is Marshall Marshall. That is hilarious. (My 3rd grade teacher was named Rose Rose. She was less funny.)

The show is on Sunday night’s but I usually DVR it and watch later in the week. That was the plan this week. On Tuesday, I planned on watching the latest episode, which was about an Amish couple that is forced to move to New Mexico.

This proved to be incredibly ironic, since I was forced to scrap my planned Tuesday night viewing because of a case of unplanned Amishness.

Because of some rooftop corrosion that I don’t really understand, my building’s Time Warner cable and internet service were both knocked out of service. IT WAS HORRIBLE!

I was forced to spend 24 hours completely cut off from the outside world, except for my radio, cell phone, 3G data service, tv at the gym and, you know, the actual outside world on the other side of the front door.

I had to listen to a baseball game on the radio, like some little kid in the early 50’s trying to drown out the fears that his older brother was going to get killed in Korea. Only it was worse than that, because John Sterling has gotten really bad at calling baseball games. (On a related note, Wednesday night, John Sterling said this: “And it’s a two run shot by Teixiera. You’re on the Mark, Teixiera. And the game is tied at 1.” Read that again. It will make your brain hurt.)

Once the game ended, I was forced to watch a DVD on my macbook, LIKE A CAVEMAN!

At one point, I tried to watch a youtube video on my phone, but because I was dealing with simple 3G service instead of my usual WiFi, it took nearly three minutes to load. THREE MINUTES!!! Is this Afghanistan?

Finally, I just gave up and read a book, then went to bed.

Service was finally restored at 11:30 the next morning. ┬áThat afternoon, I got to watch my episode of “In Plain Sight.” It ends with the witness returning to her Amish lifestyle. I don’t know what she was thinking.

Sports Illustrated: June 20th, 2011.

Dirk  Nowitzki, Basketball, Dallas Mavericks



We’ll start this week with a letter.

Barber’s likening himself to Anne Frank is a demonstration of more than just “artlessness,” as L. Jon Wertheim writes (Tiki Barber Gets Real, May 30). For Barber to compare hiding in his agent’s attic in an attempt to avoid gossip columnists to Frank’s hiding from the Nazis during World War II is outrageous and perverse.

Abraham H. Foxman

New York City

Abraham Foxman isn’t just some resident of New York City. Abraham Foxman is the head of the Anti-Defamation League, the top watchdog against anti-semitism in the country. That seems like a fact that merits mention, especially considering he was all over the news (I interviewed him, in fact,) in the days after Tiki Barber’s idiotic comment was first published.

Obviously, I have to mention Dan Patrick’s interview with Don Mattingly. Despite the fact that I happily deify Don Mattingly in my every day life, I’m not delusional enough to believe that he’s ever given an interesting interview. He generally offers nothing. That’s why I found this exchange to be somewhat interesting:

DP: After Giants catcher Buster Posey’s injury, what do you think the catcher’s role should be on a play at the plate?

DM: I think the catcher is the one who really controls that. I know there’s a way to block the plate where you position yourself so that you don’t get hurt. The runner can’t just come in and politely curtsy. If [Posey’s agent] would have come out 30 days before Buster got hit and said, “Hey, I think we should do something about the catchers,” [that’s one thing], but not after his client gets hit. Then it gets into, “Hey, let’s not slide hard into second because I’ve got a client who plays second or short.”

Mattingly offered up a legitimate and somewhat pointed opinion on a semi-controversial issue. Good for him. And good for Dan Patrick for knowing his subject and not turning this into his usual “guy talk, check out that lady in the bikini” style interview.


Lone Star Power by Lee Jenkins

I think the concept of the Mavs being a team of one star and 14 no talent hacks has been vastly oversold. At this point, they have as many future hall of famers (2-Dirk and Kidd) as the Heat (2-James and Wade.) It can also be argued that they have a more talented team. Shawn Marion is a multiple time All Star. Jason Terry is a former 6th man of the year. Tyson Chandler is an Olympian. Peja Stojakovic is one of the top 4 or 5 shooters of the last quarter century. That’s not nothing. Still, I’m glad they won. It takes a special type of despicable personality to make me root for an Aryan German to succeed. LeBron James is that kind of despicable personality.

The Jimmer Dilemma by Chris Mannix

I hate, HATE, fold outs in magazines. Why couldn’t they just print their first round mock draft on a regular page of the magazine. Just publish it instead of this useless “where will Jimmer play?” article. All it did was rehash the exact same arguments that we’ve heard for the last year.

Three Grand by Tom Verducci

Tom Verducci sums up Derek Jeter’s personality in one anecdote as well as any writer I’ve ever read in the past 17 years.

Just then former pitcher David Wells, an ex-teammate visiting Jeter at his locker, adds, “Some guys are thick-skinned and some are thin-skinned. Kenny Rogers … love him to death, but he couldn’t handle it. Now, you go date Mariah and… . “

Jeter, who once dated Mariah Carey, cut him off quickly and without a chuckle: “Easy … easy.”

Wells fell awkwardly silent;

Even famed loudmouth jackass David Wells, who once ripped Joe Torre in a book while he was still playing for him, knows to shut the fuck up when Derek Jeter tells him to.

True Grit To The End In Boston by Brian Cazanueve

The most interesting thing about this article is the little notation on the first page that tells readers they can download an updated version, written after Game 7, for free on any of SI’s multiple digital platforms. Last week, I noted the folly of writing about an ongoing playoff series in a weekly magazine. It seems SI has figured out the best way to deal with that issue.

She Had A Secret by Selena Roberts

This is terribly uninteresting. Who cares that this woman lied about her age? It doesn’t make the fact that she played with boys any less true. But more importantly, this woman is horrible. She holds in a lie no one in their right mind would ever care about for decades, then decides to admit the truth in order to write a book no one will ever want to read. Then, when someone actually takes the time to turn her stupid life into a movie, she complains about the ending. Fuck her.

Point After by Phil Taylor

I’ll end this quote heavy SI review with one more:

Before you take a self-portrait to text to that special someone, ask yourself a question: Am I wearing pants? If the answer is no, back away from the cellphone. If it’s yes, double-check, just to be sure.

I hate to admit it, but that made me laugh out loud. It’s a joke that’s both hackneyed and obvious, but it made me laugh out loud.


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