Bad Pics, Great AIDS Jokes and A Ghost Rape

Justin May 14, 2011 0

I get my groceries from Fresh Direct. For the uninitiated, Fresh Direct is a full service online supermarket that delivers.  This is especially important in New York, where car-less apartment dwellers struggle to transport a week’s worth of groceries from the store to the home.  Before Fresh Direct, I had to either make multiple trips to the food store every week or suffer through two days of claw hands as I struggled to carry 20 plastic bags worth of groceries 5 blocks home. Now, my hands are healthy, my cupboards are full and my mind is at ease. Almost.

You know how sometimes you order stuff online but when the delivery comes, an item or two are missing. The exact opposite happens with Fresh Direct. Almost every time I order, something extra shows up in the boxes.  Most of the time, I’m happy to get something extra, whether it be a 5th container of yogurt, when I only ordered 4, or a box of exciting cookies I’ve never tried before.

My most recent order, though, including 2 zucchinis.

Zucchinis are duplicitous jerks.  They look like delicious cucumbers, but are smaller and softer and, instead of adding a pleasant crunch to your salad or sandwich, they add an annoying mush to your meal. Zucchini is the worst vegetable.

What is the best? I’m glad you asked. Here is the top 5.

5. Cucumber: As I stated previously, cucumbers make things snappier. They are perfect in salads and are a nice touch on subway subs or, if you are female or British, make for lovely finger sandwiches.

4. Tomatoes: More specifically, grape tomatoes. No need to slice, chop or julian. Just take a handful out of the carton, wash and eat. Added bonus: No refrigeration necessary!

3. Carrots: Here’s an interesting fact about carrots (one of many, I’m sure.) You know how your mom and doctor and teachers always told you that carrots are good for your eyes? It’s complete bullshit. That was a myth invented by the British in World War II, as a way of covering up the fact that they were using radar. When reporters asked how the British Air Force was so successful at targeting enemy air and sea craft, military leaders told them that the pilots ate carrots in order to strengthen their eyesight.  It has absolutely no basis in fact.

2. Arugula: It’s like lettuce dipped in butter. This leafy guy should be the base ingredient in all salads moving forward. Please take note.

1. Broccoli: Raw, it is crispy and dippable. Cooked, it blends in perfectly with every other food. Covered in cheese whiz, it’s a delicious snack. When mixed with heavy cream and boiled, it is the BEST SOUP EVER. (Ed. note: I do not know if this is actually how you make cream of broccoli soup. Seems right, though.)

Sports Illustrated: May 16th, 2011

(FOR SOME REASON, THE COVER OF THIS WEEK’S ISSUE HAS NOT YET BEEN POSTED ONLINE. AS A RESULT, I WAS FORCED TO TAKE A PICTURE MYSELF)

 

PREGAME:

-The piece about head injuries in sports brought to mind the controversy over vaccinations, and their tenuous and ultimately incorrect link to autism. One one side, you have a group of people clawing for an explanation and a group of well intentioned scientists trying to provide them with on. On the other, you have experts who are trying to explain that there are no easy answers.

-Kostya Kennedy just wrote a book about Joe DiMaggio’s hitting streak. It is in his best interests to make sure that Joltin Joe’s mark continues to be held in high regard. If that means he has to tear down the degree of difficulty of any current or future player who may approach DiMaggio’s mark, then so be it.

-A number of our readers are University of Maryland alumni. On the day he announced his retirement, a discussion began about his impact on the program and what direction it will take in the future. This discussion came to a screeching halt when I made an absolutely tasteless and truly inappropriate AIDS joke. IT WAS HILARIOUS. Commenter BHersk followed up with a great line about combining HIV tests until you get a score you’re comfortable with.

THE ARTICLES:

It’s A Mav, Mav Mav, Mav World by Lee Jenkins

Kudos to Lee Jenkins for actually writing about the team that won this series and not the guys who got swept.  It seemed as though the entire sports media tripped over itself to declare the Lakers dead. Meanwhile, the Mavs are somehow flying under the radar, right into the Western conference finals. Although, I’m a bit worried about the way they reacted to the win. Beating the Lakers is nice, but you’re only halfway there.

Chance Meeting by Tim Layden

I would rather be anally raped by the corpse of John Wayne than read an article about horse racing.

(ATTN JOHN WAYNE’S CORPSE: call me!)

The Brain That Saved Tampa Bay by Austin Murphy

These are the types of articles that make Sports Illustrated such a great magazine. Here’s a profile of an interesting and relatively unknown sports figure who is right on the cusp of gaining widespread attention. One thing they didn’t seem to make a note of, though, is the fact that Guy Boucher seems to collect coaches. Almost every time they quoted someone from his past, it was then revealed that the speaker now works for the Lightning. Loyalty seems like a character trait worth highlighting.

The Men Who Pitch Forever by Ben Reiter

I did not expect this article to take a tragic turn, so the end certainly caught me by surprise.  But I will not let that overshadow the other observations I had, earlier in the piece. First of all, this stat:

Of baseball’s top 30 alltime OPS leaders 15 are lefthanders or switch-hitters who were more productive from the left side, including the top four of Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Lou Gehrig and Barry Bonds.

Doesn’t this mean that of baseball’s top 30 alltime OPS leaders, 15 are also righthanders or switchhitters who were more productive from the right side? So, the stat completely cancels itself out.

Now, look at the pictures of both Rhodes and Oliver through the years. What’s the first thing you notice? Neither man has aged a day since his rookie year. (I am aware of the saying “Black don’t crack,” but I am even more acutely aware of the saying, “White don’t make rhymes that could potentially invite bodily harm or accusations of racism,” so I will not be using the aforementioned saying.)

Recruiter by Bruce Schoenfeld

I felt like I needed to take a shower after reading this article. Recruiting is such a scummy business.  These guys stand there, hoping a 15 year old boy spots them across a crowded gym. The only thing that would make it creepier is having the song “Endless Love” playing in the background.  Also, the kid they talk about in the opening paragraph is described as “home schooled.” Later, he plays in his first high school basketball game. How does that work? Does he play one on one against other weirdos and religious zealots?

POINT AFTER by Joe Posnanski

The death of Seve Ballesteros is one of those events that comes along every now and again, when I find out, after the fact, that someone I had barely heard of was actually really important. I find I’m enjoying learning about his career. It’s just a shame that he had to die in order for me to do it.

 

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