Lost Teeth, Lost Brothers and Lost Balls

Justin May 7, 2011 0

About 2 years ago, my company moved into a new office. We left Midtown Manhattan for the western edge of the West Village. Its better in almost every way. ALMOST.  It turns out, we’re in a 2 block dead zone. The closest residential buildings are a few blocks away. The office buildings on our block are all relatively new. As a result, it’s very hard to get lunch every day.

There’s a Chipotle around the block. There’s a Chinese place that somehow arrives with your order almost before you’re done making it. But that’s about it. Except for a sandwich place on the next block that has really great food.  But, I don’t really like going there. I think you would agree.

There are two problems with the really good sandwich place.  First of all, they sell off brand chips. I like to eat a bag of Lays Potato Chips (regular flavor) with my Turkey, chicken or roast beef sandwiches. If I’m feeling really wild, I will buy Ruffles (also regular flavor.) But, this place only sells Wise brand chips. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE. Wise Chips are cleary inferior. They are greasier and thinner than Lays and there are less chips per bag. (You may be thinking, “Justin, if you don’t enjoy the Wise Chips, why are you angry that there are less of them in the bag?”  Good question. Fuck you.)

The chip issue pales in comparison to the other problem I have. The man who makes the sandwiches has no teeth. Well, that’s not true. He doesn’t have NO teeth. He has two teeth.  They are located on either side of his mouth. So, he has no FRONT teeth.  And though he makes amazing sandwiches with delicious roasted peppers and pesto mayonnaise, I can’t help but be a bit  grossed out while eating them. In the back of my mind, I am constantly worried that I will bite down on one of his teeth, that has fallen from his mouth and landed in the sandwich. Obviously, there is no basis for this fear. He has no more teeth to lose. How could one fall out and land in a sandwich? Still, it’s all I can think of.

It’s also the reason I’ve never gone inside the Chinese place. I don’t even want to imagine what I might see in there.

Sports Illustrated: May 9th, 2011

Starlin Castro, Baseball, Chicago Cubs


Richard Hoffer wrote two columns in one when he celebrated the 50th anniversary of ABC’s “Wide World of Sports.” The one which talked about the initial impact and legacy of the weekly anthology series was fun and interesting.  The one that included corny parenthetical asides teaching “kids” what a TV used to look like was an idiotic and hackneyed way of admitting that he had no idea how to approach his topic initially.


A Starlin is Born by Albert Chen

I remember when Starlin Castro debuted last season with that monster game. Then, I completely forgot about him.  It was nice to catch up again with his development into a potential star.

Weirdest Draft Ever by Peter King

Weirdest article ever. Peter King essentially wrote his Monday Morning Quarterback column and published it in Sports Illustrated. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with that, it just seemed a bit out of place in the medium.

On a side note, my brother emailed me Thursday and said “Check out the picture on page 43 of SI. Good shot of me in the aisle.” So, when I got home I pulled the magazine back out to take a look. I expected it to be a semi close up, with my brother standing in the background. Nope. It was a huge wide crowd shot. It was like searching through a Where’s Waldo book, if everyone in every picture was wearing that same fucking orange striped shirt. It was looking for Where’s Waldo in a Where’s Waldo book that Waldo is holding up within a picture in a Where’s Waldo book. In other words, I couldn’t find him.  Still I sent this email back, “Oh yeah, there you are!” It’s easier than having the conversation.

Country Strong by Brian Cazeneuve

I think we can officially congratulate Brian Cazaneuve for taking over the NHL beat for Sports Illustrated. How do you think he pronounces his name? While we’re on the topic, how do you say Pekka Rinne? Even the anchors on Sportscenter have been struggling with that lately. The timing of this article was a little unfortunate. By the morning after it came out, The Preds were down 3-1 to Vancouver. It takes a bit of the starch out of the story.

Can’t Help Falling In Love by Lee Jenkins

Despite Jenkins’ best efforts, Chris Wallace does not come off positively in this piece.  The description of him as a two time dropout who lived with his parents till he was 32 was too strong to overcome. I’m happy to see Zach Randolph succeed, though. I liked him when he was a Knick.

The Dangerous Obsession of Antonio Barrera by Geoffrey Gray

I don’t care about bullfighters and I don’t know that I consider it a sport, but I decided to give this article a read anyway. I tried. I really did. But, I had to quit once this maniac’s testicle fell out of his scrotum FOR THE THIRD TIME!

Point After by Phil Taylor

This was a beautifully written, touching, emotional story that I’m happy to have read. Happy Mother’s day to any readers to whom it applies, as well as the wives and mothers of those to who it doesn’t.

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