President Obama got a lot of criticism for filling out his NCAA brackets on TV this week. He’s busy, so I’ll fire back for him.
The less serious round of complaints came from people who were angry that he picked all four number 1 seeds to make the Final Four. Well, joke’s on you. After the first two days of the tournament, President Obama’s in the 100th percentile on ESPN. While we’re on the topic, I’d like to discuss the term “chalk,” as in, “He went chalk in all four brackets.” It just sort of appeared two years ago and, all of a sudden, everyone was using it. I hate it. I know you think it makes you sound like a gambler in the know. It doesn’t. It makes you sound like a fucking idiot who repeats words he hears on TV. I would like it banned, along with other out of nowhere phrases that became overly used like walk off home run and pick 6 for an interception that’s returned for a touchdown.
But those critics pale in comparison to ones who say the President shouldn’t fill out brackets because there was an Earthquake in Japan and a civil war in Libya. That one comes mainly from Republicans who have spent the last 2 plus years criticizing everything the President does, but it’s especially bothersome because of the hypocrisy. During all these complaints, not one person has mentioned the time the Senate Minority Leader fucked a horse at the Kentucky Derby after 9/11. It’s like no one even remembers.
There are two possible reasons for this. In May 2002, the nation’s focus was still trained on Ground Zero, Afghanistan and Anthrax attacks. A story about a sitting senator and a racehorse may have slipped by unnoticed. More likely, though, it’s because I’m making the whole thing up right now.
Here’s what happened (No, it didn’t):
Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was at Churchill Downs to enjoy the revelry and watch the “most exciting two minutes in sports.” By the time the race ended, he was a few Mint Juleps deep but still jumped the opportunity to attend a victory celebration with the winning horse and his owners. He found in especially symbolic that the horse’s name was War Emblem, considering the US was still in the early stages of the War on Terror. Mitch McConnell is nothing if not a Patriot.
As the celebration began to wear down and the Mint Juleps started to kick in, Mitch McConnell decided he needed to close his eyes for a second. He walked into a dark corner of the stable, sat down on the floor and leaned his head back. He must have been more tired or tipsy than he realized, because by the time he opened his eyes, everyone else was gone. He stumbled to his feet, let his eyes adjust to the dark and quickly realized he was face to face with War Emblem.
Well, if you know Mitch McConnell, you know that he loves to talk to horses close up. And so he did. But he realized War Emblem had a strange look in his eyes and was making strange noises. Mitch McConnell tried to calm the great steed by stroking it’s mane. But at that point, the horse stood up aggressively on it’s hind legs. Mitch McConnell instinctively turned away to protect his beautiful face. That’s when it happened. The next thing he new, Mitch McConnell was being sodomized from behind by a champion race horse. And unlike the just completed Kentucky Derby, this took significantly longer than 2 minutes.
Now, at this point you may be thinking, “Justin, this is not a story that Mitch McConnell should be mocked for. He was clearly the victim of equine rape.” Well, reader, you’re right, except for one thing.
Why wasn’t Mitch McConnell wearing any pants?
Sports Illustrated: March 21st, 2011
