SCP Predicts the 2011 Oscars So You Can Watch Basketball Instead

Justin February 23, 2011 1
It’s Oscar time again. I’m sure you’re all very excited. I know I am. In keeping with tradition, SportsCracklePop presents  our Oscar picks. As always, these comments and predictions are based on two very important factors:
1. I don’t like movies.
2. I haven’t seen the vast majority of the films nominated this year.
This year, we’re joined by noted author Michael Weinreb, who will chime in periodically to give us his opinions. His comments are marked by asterisks and italics.

Best Picture

‘Black Swan’
It’s a horror movie about ballet and then the two hottest jewish girls in American make out? Ok. I see the appeal. Still, I didn’t see it. I was shocked to find out that Barbara Hershey is still alive. I thought she had died from some terrible disease. Later, I realized that was what happened to her at the end of the movie, “Beaches.” Yes, I have seen Beaches. I watched it with my grandma when I was a kid. It was a special day. DO NOT JUDGE ME!

‘The Fighter’
I didn’t see it, but I’m just about done with movies about hardscrabble residents of South Boston. I was there this weekend. Southie is almost completely gentrified now. It’s all Yuppies. How do you like them Apples?
***I lived in Boston for a year-and-a-half, near Fenway Park, a couple of blocks from Renner’s last stand behind the mailbox. I never witnessed any armed robbery attempts, but I did see a few potentially vicious ticket scalpers, some prodigiously drunk Northeastern students, and several teenagers attempting to shoplift Swedish fish from the Rite Aid across the street.

‘Inception’
I actively did not see this movie. It’s not simply the fact that I didn’t go to the theater. They sent me a DVD of it months ago and I still didn’t watch it. It’s looks absolutely exhausting to follow.

‘The Kids Are All Right’
Do you think it’s odd that I have the thumbnail pictures above the titles of the movies, instead of the other way around? I do too. Anyway, I didn’t see this, though the commercials looked somewhat appealing. On a side note, I recently learned what the word cuckold means. Seems weird that they would have a word for that.

‘The Kings Speech’

‘127 Hours’
Another one that looks horrible. Why would I want to sit there and watch a guy cut his arm off then talk into a camcorder for two hours? (Is that what this movie is? That’s the impression I get.)

‘The Social Network’
I don’t have a facebook page.

‘Toy Story 3′
I guess every year now, they’ll nominate one of these computer animation movies. The Toy Story movies all make ridiculous money for the studios and make millions of movie fans, both adult and children, happy. This  has no chance to win. EVER.

‘True Grit’
I actually saw this one. I don’t know what all the hype is about. It was short, though it didn’t move that quickly. It just sort of ended.

‘Winter’s Bone’
Who’s this chick in the hat? What the hell is this movie? I have literally never heard of it until right now.

WINNER: THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Best Actress

Annette Bening
‘The Kids Are All Right’
Why her and not the other one? She was in the American President, which is a GREAT movie. Interesting fact about it. Aaron Sorkin was high on crack while he wrote it. Of all the crazy drug fueled movies in Hollywood history, who would think a relatively traditional romantic comedy would be the one written by a raging crackhead.

Nicole Kidman
‘Rabbit Hole’
What happened to her face?

Jennifer Lawrence
‘Winter’s Bone’
It’s the chick in the hat again! WHO ARE YOU?

Natalie Portman
‘Black Swan’
Here’s why I think Natalie Portman’s career is just about over.  Her entire appeal is based on the fact that guys like me think she’s attainable.  Until this point, she’s seemed relatively normal. She didn’t appear in tabloids. She went to college. She seemed likable during talk show appearances. Then, she got knocked up by the only straight choreographer in history, announced she was getting married and appeared in that shitty dick joke movie with Ashton Kutcher. Now, she’s just another semi-hot young actress, no different from any of the others.
Her appeal has never been about talent. Let’s be honest, with the exception of Garden State, she’s been in nothing good since she was 15. (Beautiful Girls came out in 1996. I was 18 and, at that time, I thought she was hot in it. Is it wrong that I still think she’s hot in it, even when I watch it now?)
***Yeah, but wasn’t the whole premise of Beautiful Girls about a 35-year-old falling in (platonic) love with a 15-year-old? If this is the case, it’s probably appropriate that you are now experiencing the very plotline of the movie–if, say, the current version of Natalie Portman were actually your fiance, and you found you were still in love with that youthful version of Natalie Portman who no longer exists. Whatever the case, you are almost certainly a pedophile.

Anyway..So now, here she is. No longer physically or emotionally appealing to guys like me (otherwise known as the all important 18-35 demo,) and still not a good enough actress to appeal to women. And that is why Natalie Portman’s career is just about done.

Michelle Williams
‘Blue Valentine’
This lady is always a bummer. She was a horrible guest on the Daily Show. She seems very self important. YOU WERE ON DAWSON’S CREEK! You’re not Greta Garbo.
WINNER: NATALIE PORTMAN

Best Actor

Javier Bardem
‘Biutiful’
You spelled it wrong.

Jeff Bridges
‘True Grit’
Was it just me? I couldn’t understand a word this guy said through the entire fucking movie. Why is he nominated for an award? Because he wore an eyepatch?

Jesse Eisenberg
‘The Social Network’
Another bummer. WOULD YOU SMILE, FOR ONCE, EISENBERG? Remember when his sister was going to be famous? Hallie Eisenberg was in Pepsi commercials and a bunch of shitty movies. Then she went away. Maybe that’s why her brother is so unhappy.

Colin Firth
‘The King’s Speech’
This guy is a fantastic actor, but I don’t get the sex symbol stuff. He looks like a guy who inherited a dry cleaning store from his father, then opened a couple more locations in neighboring towns. The stores attract a higher end clientele because the prices are a bit high, but the quality makes it worth it. As a result of his moderate business success, the guy can send his kids to private school, but it’s not like he’s retiring anytime soon.
****There are two moments that nearly precipitated the end of my relationship with my fiance: One involved a set of keys to her apartment, and the other involved the movie “Love Actually,” which we went to see in the theatre, at her insistence. I actually sat through that movie thinking, “If she likes this, then I HAVE to break up with her.” So she started crying at the end, during some needlessly maudlin scene involving Colin Firth and, like, a mute Mexican cleaning woman, and I thought, “This is it,” and then she turned to me, with tears running down her cheeks, and said, “This movie is SO fucking terrible.” And everything was good again.Even so, I’ve never fully forgiven anyone in that film.

James Franco
‘127 Hours’
I like James Franco. It makes no sense. The fact that he acts as if his life is a meta-commentary on modern fame, even though, in reality, he’s just a fame whore should drive me nuts. But it doesn’t. I even think it’s cool that he’s hosting this show. My feelings are complicated even more by the fact that his co-host, the eminently hatable Anne Hathaway, is essentially the female equivalent of Franco. But I’m completely turned off by her public “not caught up in all this fame stuff” personality. Why is that?
*** Probably because Franco served you coffee this morning, drove the bus you rode, and fed your cat as part of some hyperintensive documentary he’s filming for a graduate workshop in cinematography he’s auditing at Yale. And Anne Hathaway is no longer 15, you pervert.
WINNER: COLIN FIRTH

Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams
‘The Fighter’
Amy Adams is now a three time Oscar nominee. For my money, though, she’s never topped her appearance in the Cinemax classic, Cruel Intentions 2.

Helena Bonham Carter
‘The King’s Speech’
I’m sure she’s fine in this. She’s one of these super famous actresses that I wouldn’t recognize if they were in front of me in line at the Supermarket.

Melissa Leo
‘The Fighter’
Apparently, this lady has been outwardly campaigning for this award and it’s turned a lot of people off.  She plays working class characters, so people expect her to be a working class kind of chick. Instead, she’s just a Hollywood Diva who never had the backing of Hollywood before.

Hailee Steinfeld
‘True Grit’
She played Dakota Fanning if Dakota Fanning was in the Old West. She will appear in one age appropriate film, and then we will never hear from this girl again.

Jacki Weaver
‘Animal Kingdom’
Who? What?
WINNER: HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Best Supporting Actor

Christian Bale
‘The Fighter’
“OOH. GOOD FOR YOOUUU”

John Hawkes
‘Winter’s Bone’
WHAT IS THIS MOVIE????

Jeremy Renner
‘The Town’
How is this movie different than the Departed or Gone Baby Gone or the Fighter?  Boston isn’t that scary a place. Aside from Kevin Garnett, the majority of it’s citizens are nice people.
*** What’s worth noting here is that I’ve had a couple of Boston natives tell me that Jeremy Renner–who’s from Modesto, California, and who has leapt from the cast of S.W.A.T. to “best actor of his generation” over the course of roughly four hours of screen time–did a better Boston accent than Affleck.

Mark Ruffalo
‘The Kids Are All Right’
I’ve only seen the commercials, but Mark Ruffalo seems to be playing a giant stereotype in this movie. He’s a wild spirit! He rides a motorcycle! He says inappropriate things at dinner! He wears flannel!

Geoffrey Rush
‘The King’s Speech’
This dude’s a lot older than I thought. And he’s Australian. Otherwise, his career has made no impact on my life.
WINNER: CHRISTIAN BALE

So, there you go folks.  Armed with this information, you can feel free to flip over to another channel without  worrying about having things to say to your co-workers about the Oscars on Monday morning. Our readers should be more focused on the Knicks and Heat in Miami anyway. Isn’t that right, Michael?
***I live in New York. People here only care about the Nets.

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