Unlike most of the world, I do not do the majority of my magazine reading while in the bathroom. As I’ve said before, my magazine reading is done while on an eliptical machine at the New York Sports Club.
There are three things I bring with me every morning. A magazine (Time on Tuesday and Wednesday. SI on Thursday and Friday,) my IPhone and a bottle of water. Luckily, every ellipitical machine at the New York Sports Club is outfitted with a shelf for easy magazine reading, a cup holder for water and a slot to hold your phone or mp3 player. Except when they aren’t.
Over the past month, a disturbing trend has begun to take shape. People have been sticking their used gum in the mp3/phone slots. It’s disgusting and it fucks with my whole agenda.
First of all, who chews gum while exercising? That’s dangerous. You could choke. It’s like riding in a car with a toothpick in your mouth. GOD FORBID! While I’m on the topic, these people that bring coffee to the gym creep me out too. How can you sip a hot beverage while your sweating? Wait till you get home. That’s when the coffee is MOST DELICIOUS.
And even if you are chewing gum, who thinks its a good idea to just stick it where ever you want? It’s not your living room or the bottom of a table at McDonalds. It’s a public exercise machine. People put there phones in there, you jerks!
The proprietors of the New York Sports Club are also to blame. First, for allowing such abhorrent, anti-social behavior. But also, for not cleaning up after the gum has been discarded. How is it that cleanup crews always seem to be mopping or vaccuuming in exactlty the spot where I’m working out at exactly the moment I’m there? Is it because I sweat like a whore in church who’s John paid extra to make sure she does all the work while the fornicate next to a hot water heater in a windowless basement with the stove on? Maybe. But, I would rather believe the gym has a solid commitment to cleanliness, with this one glaring blind spot. Because once a machine has been sullied, it stays sullied. At this point there is only one machine on the far side of the cardio room that is currently gum-free. If it’s being used, I am forced to workout on the nearside, which means there is a glare. And that means I can’t read my magazine. Without that distraction, my mind is forced to focus on the fact that my body is exercising, and then no one’s happy.
Sports Illustrated has changed the way you access it’s magazine articles online again. I like the new format, though it requires that you sign in now. Unfortunately, the computer at my office desk does not like the new format, so I’m still linking to the old, less user friendly version.
Anyway, lets open with a letter.
In reading Dan Patrick’s interview with Browns running back Peyton Hillis (SCORECARD, Jan. 31), I couldn’t help but shake my head at the obvious hypocrisy when it comes to race and sports. Hillis matter-of-factly states that players have said to him, “White boy, you ain’t gonna run on us today.” I could only imagine the apoplectic reactions from pundits both far and wide if a white player had said to a black player, “Black boy, you ain’t gonna run on us today.” How is it that when these types of epithets are hurled Hillis’s way, there’s not a peep from anyone?
Bobby Pappas, Greer, S.C.
Because of slavery, Bobby. Also, because of Jim Crow laws. What’s the opposite of surprised? Because that’s how I felt after reading that Bobby Pappas is from South Carolina
The Fighter by Jim Trotter
It’s like the tale of the tape for the NFL labor war. Two weeks ago, we got a big profile of Roger Goodell. This time, it’s DeMaurice Smith. The NFLPA chief comes off pretty generic. A larger issue, though, is that I doubt anyone cares about this yet. If the CBA expires in March, will your life change? The draft will still happen as scheduled. NFL labor problems won’t be an issue until summer, when training camp is supposed to start. Until then, it’s a story that only the sports media cares about, like steroids or cycling.
A New Setup For Relievers by Tom Verducci
Wow, this was boring. All those stats and my eyes just glazed over. Verducci’s point, that paying big money to set up guys never works, is a fair one. It could have been delivered better.
No Joke by Alan Shipnuck
Bill Murray continues to be awesome. Whether it’s surprising people in Union Square, giving crazy interviews to GQ, popping up at random karaoke bars or playing golf, Murray is always fun. And it’s cool to see how that attitude helped a journeyman golfer finally get out of his own head and get that elusive first title.
Number 3 Still Roars Ten Years After by Lars Anderson
Here’s a story. Ten years ago, I was a young producer at New York’s largest all news radio station. Being that it was New York City, no one was particularly adept at covering Nascar. So, when the news crossed that Dale Earnheardt had died, I yelled out to our sports guy, to make sure he had it in his newscast.
“Hey, Joel, Make sure you include Dale Earnheardt.”
“What, that he finished third?”
“No, that he’s dead.”
Dale Jr. had finished 3rd. Anyway, I didn’t read this article.
The Day The Music Stopped by E.M. Swift
Here’s a little known fact. E.M. stands for emotionally manipulative. At least it usually does. An article like this should have had me fighting back tears as I read about lives snuffed out before their time. It didn’t. FIGURE SKATING WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME! I’m fine with that.
Point After by Joe Posnanski
Would it surprise you to find out that Joe Posnanski is from Cleveland? All season, it’s bothered me how bad the Cavs are and how everyone just says, “well of course they are.” Why? Antawn Jamison and Mo Williams aren’t too far removed from All Star appearances and a number of other Cavs were important contributers on a team that made the finals. Byron Scott has done a TERRIBLE job of coaching this team, LeBron or no LeBron.