On Sunday, the group improv everywhere did their annual no pants subway ride. It’s exactly what it sounds like. People get on the subway without pants on. They’re wearing shirts, jackets, hats, socks, shoes and underwear. Just no pants.
On Sunday, I was taking the Subway while this was happening and, lo and behold, two women with no pants got on my train.
Here’s how that went
It’s important to note that I was reading something on my Iphone before we pulled into Union Square, where the pant-less riders boarded. Also, I had a seat, which is a relatively rare treat on a New York city subway. Needless to say, I was not paying attention much to my surroundings as the doors opened at the stop.
What first pulled me out of my own little world was not two pant-less ladies, but a man with a TV camera. My first thought was that a TV news reporter was doing a story, so I tried to look at where the camera was pointing to see who it was. It was only then that I noticed two women in their underpants.
My jaded New Yorker instinct kicked in almost immediately. The thought bubble would have read:
“Do not look at these idiots. All they want is attention. Don’t give them attention. They aren’t special. They’re just hipster idiots.”
But after a couple of minutes, my “I like to see girls in their underpants” instinct kicked in. And so, I snuck a quick glance. Then another. Then another. I made a mental assessment. The one in the back has tree trunk legs and the Asian one with her back to me has a really flabby ass. Still, it’s girls in their underpants. I like to look at those.
At this point, it struck me. These idiots want me to stare. I might as well just suck it up and give it a full on stare. I even decided to snap a picture. (It’s the one above. See what I mean about the tree trunks?)
What happened next, though, was one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen. The Asian chick, in the red panties, sat down. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. I was sitting as well. But I was protected by a thick layer of denim. Homeless people sit on those seats. They sleep on them. I’ve seen one take a dump on the seat. And this chick was sitting there in nothing but her thin underwear. I don’t want to get too graphic, but this woman might as well have grabbed a handful of shit from beneath vagrant and rubbed it into her bare vagina. I’ve never been so disgusted.
I got off the train at the next stop. But, then I saw them get off too, so I got back on. Only this time I lost my seat and had the stand the rest of the way. And that was disappointing.