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(Hi.  It’s John from 200 Miles From the Citi.  Justin is out of town for a bachelor party.  That’s great news for me because I get to pinch hit as the Sports Illustrated reviewer for the week.)

Seems to me that always, without fail, whenever there is a bigger issue of Sports Illustrated, maybe one that even arrives a day or so later than usual, the next issue arrives a day early.

So it was that after the extra-thick NFL Preview, I received my next issue of SI on Wednesday, when I usually get it on Thursday.

Luckily I unexpectedly breezed through the 32 team previews a week before – sometimes that takes me multiple weeks.  (Chalk it up to my new speed SI reading so I can read Justin’s reviews without ruining the articles on myself.)

No rest for the weary – I plowed through the next issue for this assignment.  Here’s my review of Sports Illustrated for the week of September 13, 2010:

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When you talk about fashionable athletes forget the names Tom Brady, Cristiano Ronaldo, or David Beckham. The man that heads the top of the list is Jacory Harris. Check out what he posted on his twitter feed.

“Going to class with an Oakland raiders snap back, no shirt, with the Oakland raiders overalls!”

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Nick Swisher hit a walk off home run yesterday. With that comes the traditional pie to the face.

Unfortunately for Kim Jones, she was going to catch some too. In her eye.

The latest season of HBO’s Hard Knocks closes with a happy ending. Let’s all sing Cumbauya while we discuss what just happened.

-This episode of Hard Knocks was far more theatrical than the previous ones. It seemed to follow a script. That was both good and bad. We’ll start with the bad. It seemed strange that the producers decided to squeeze in stories about players on the bubble. We didn’t know Corey Reamer or that Hawaiian linebacker until this week. So watching them get cut didn’t elicit the reaction that it was supposed to.

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Actually I am pretty ecstatic, but I guess this guy is just a little more excited. It was Phillies boob grab fun night.

I love how the video replays it over and over and over again. Almost as much fun as seeing the slow-motion video of this baseball hitting a fan in the face.

Glen Davis is a dancing machine. The man has taken his antics from Twivid to the ever popular UStream and given us fans a live look at the life of Big Baby.

The first ten minutes are pretty boring. That is unless you like seeing a grown man eat Chocolate Cheerios. But after that Davis treats us to a lip sync-dance session of some Alicia Keys, Colbie Caillat, and his favorite group Cali Swag District.

Can someone tell me why he is wearing a backpack with no shirt on?

I feel bad for this young man. All he probably wanted to do was get to a Dodgers game early and catch some batting practice. Unfortunately for him he wasn’t paying attention and caught a ball right in the face.

That must hurt like a mother. But maybe not as much as watching it 20 times in slow motion thanks to the creator of this video.

I got a new coffee table… Motherfuckers. Use a coaster!

Sports Illustrated came two days late this week.

I don’t mind terribly. It’s the NFL preview. Clearly, this issue is jam packed with information. If the good people over at Sports Illustrated need to take a couple of extra days to complete the NFL preview issue, then I’m more than happy to wait for it.

So, when it finally did arrive on Friday, I wasn’t surprised by how much thicker than usual the magazine was. Upon further inspection, however, it turned out that was false heft. The middle of the magazine contained a massive fold out DirectTV ad. That’s blatant misdirection. It’s the magazine equivalent of a middle school girl stuffing her bra. Come on, Sports Illustrated, there’s no reason to do that. Everyone grows at their own pace. You’re pretty in your own way. (I think I may have gone off in the wrong direction there.)

Not only did this ad fool me, but it affected how I consumed the articles. It made it harder to fold the magazine over. When I did, I lost the last word on every line. The only way to read it comfortably was to lay it down on the table in front of me. I don’t know how you decorate your house, but I do not keep a table in front of my toilet.

While we’re on the topic, here are some other things that annoy me about magazines.

-Centerfolds: Not naked lady pictures. I am a big fan of naked lady pictures (Though not as much since they invented the internet, where the naked ladies move around and do other things.) I am talking about the actual folded over pages that are sometimes included in magazines. Sports Illustrated does this a lot, usually with graphs or when they predict the NCAA tournament every March. But, once you unfold a centerfold once, it never folds back correctly again. It sticks out or gets bent and looks sloppy.

-Loose Staples: You usually know within a few seconds if your magazine has a lose staple. Every time you turn the page you feel it. All your hoping for is that you can finish the infected article before the page comes loose and the integrity of your reading experience is forever altered.

-Damaged Cover: The men and women of the United States Postal Service generally do a fantastic job. But every now and again, a magazine shows up in the mailbox with a torn, bent or wet cover. And when that happens, the entire experience is shot. They say visual presentation makes up 28% of the dining experience (I just made that up. It’s based on nothing. Absolute and complete nonsense.) Magazines are the same way. The articles may be fantastic, but if I can’t be drawn in by the cover, I’m not going to enjoy it as much.

And here’s another thing that has nothing to do with magazines at all but does involve advertising. What’s up with those Geico/ESPN fantasy football ads with the caveman calling his scouts in Europe to help him draft? It’s football. Why would his scouts be in Europe?

Anyway, I’m done judging this book by it’s cover. Let’s judge it by what’s inside instead.

Sports Illustrated: September 6, 2010

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