As John was so quick to point out in the space I so generously provided for him this weekend, I spent my Saturday Night at the wedding of a close female friend. And I did so as one of three “Bridesmen” on her side of the aisle. I’m sure you all have questions. I have anticipated them and will now provide you with the answers you seek.
Q: You’re a bridesmaid? What color was your dress?
A: Yes, Shecky Green, I was a bridesmaid. That’s what happens when you have friends. Perhaps if you didn’t make such stupid obvious jokes like that dress abomination above, more people would like you and ask you to be part of their special day. And no, I did not wear a dress. I wore a tuxedo with a tie that matched the dresses of the female bridesmaids. And I looked GOOD!
Q: Did you have to go to a bachelorette party?
A: Not only did I go, I planned it. And as thanks, I got violated on stage by a drag queen. But, you’ve read all about that before.
Q: Bridesmaids usually help the bride get dressed before the ceremony. Did you do that?
A: No, idiot, I did not do that. I sat outside and had some beers with the bride’s father, her brother and the other male bridesmaid. And I did it in a tuxedo. Because, as I’ve said before, I’m a classy motherfucker.
Q: Did you carry a bouquet?
A: Are you serious with these questions? No, I did not carry a bouquet. Actually, that’s not true. I did carry the bride’s bouquet for a few minutes while she was taking pictures. I’m a gentleman and a good friend. It’s how I roll
Q: Did you walk down the aisle with one of the groomsmen?
A: No, jackass, I lined up at the same time as the groomsmen before the ladies entered down the aisle, then walked one of the bridesmaids out at the end.
Q: Did anyone have a problem with male bridesmaids?
A: Hey, that’s actually a good question. I may have misjudged you earlier. For the most part, everyone was cool with the non-traditional wedding party. All the guests either thought it was a little funny or kind of sweet. In reality, it was both of those things. The only people who didn’t like it were the photographer and her assistant. Apparently, they had never come across something like this and had no idea where to stick us in the pictures. Later, the assistant told a 6 year old flower girl that her hair was messed up in front of the entire wedding party. Clearly, he’s a terrible person so his discomfort at the situation made me happy.
Q: Did you feel emasculated?
A: No. In fact, because I am such a modern and well adjusted young man, I believe the act of being a male bridesmaid is one of the most masculine things you can do. What better way to show that you are a good sport who is comfortable in his own skin than standing proudly in a non-traditional role? I feel bad for whoever rents that tuxedo next. All the excess testosterone I was producing may well cause him to fail a steroid test after he wears the pants.
Q: Were there any residual benefits?
A: Why don’t you just ask what you really want to ask? You want to know if being a male bridesmaid got me laid at the wedding. Well, let’s start with this sad reality. I would have a tough time getting laid if I was the GROOM at the wedding, so no. But, if you’d like, we can break down the realities of the situation for someone with even a modicum of charm amongst the ladies.
The pros in this situation are pretty obvious. You look like a great guy. You look like a good sport. You look like a guy who treats young women so well that one of them saw fit to include you in her wedding. Also, there’s enough free beer and liquor before the ceremony begins to provide you with more than enough liquid courage to exploit your role with abandon once the mingling begins.
There’s only one con, but it’s a big one. Demographics.
There are simply not that many single women at a wedding where three of the bridesmaids are men. The vast majority of the groom’s friends are guys and their significant others. And it stands to reason that a woman who selects three men to be in her wedding does not have many female friends of her own. That leaves you trolling for cousins.
That being said, it was pointed out to me early on that I was in a position to hit a pretty easy layup. But, after some dribbling near half court, I chose to not even attempt the shot. A better man would have.
Q: So, all in all, did you enjoy the experience?
A: Indeed I did. Thanks for asking. I got a close up look at the happiest day in a good friend’s life. Also, I got a pair of monogrammed cuff links which are pretty sharp.