I have a problem. Well, I have a lot of problems. Today, we will focus on one. It ends with a funny story, though, and you all like funny stories.
Here’s the problem: I have to peak.
It says something terrible about our society that that sounds dirty. But, it’s peaking not peeping. And those are very different things.
My problem involves other people’s computer screens, cell phones, ipods etc, etc. If I’m at work and I walk by someone’s desk while they’re writing an email, I try to read as much as possible in the 3 seconds I have to glance and keep moving. Who are you emailing? What are you writing about? Is it about me? Is it PERSONAL? Do you have problems at home? Do you have AIDS?
It’s the same thing if I’m next to someone while they’re texting or tweeting or facebooking. I’m just so damn curious.
Luckily, I’ve never been caught and I’ve never actually read anyone sending someone else a message warning them to “go get tested.” Cause what do you do then?
Here’s the closest I’ve ever been.
A few years ago, I went to see Weezer and the Foo Fighters at the Meadowlands. I live in Manhattan and don’t own a car. I was meeting a friend who lives in New Jersey at the concert. So, I took the bus from Port Authority to New Jersey by myself, met my friends, watched an AMAZING SHOW (actually Foo Fighters were (was?) amazing, Weezer was average at best,) then got back on the bus to head back to the city.
If you’ve ever been on a commuter bus, you know that the seats have gaps between the headrests. I was sitting by myself. It was getting late. I had had a couple of beers. So, I leaned my head against the seat in front of me and just sort of stared into the gap. In the row ahead of me was a girl who appeared to be about 3 or 4 years younger than me. She pulled out her cellphone and flipped it open. It was right in my sight line. OF COURSE, I WAS GOING TO READ WHATEVER SHE WAS GOING TO WRITE. She scrolled through her phone book to select the recipient of her message and clicked on the name. IT WAS MY BROTHER! This random girl on a random bus in East Rutherford, NJ not only knew my brother but she was about to send him a text message.
At this point, I immediately averted my eyes. While my desire to read the personal messages of complete strangers is strong, my desire to know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about my brother’s personal life is even stronger. Ignorance is bliss on that front.
But, now, I was left in a quandary (is it “with a quandary?” Either way, I was quandared.) This random coincidence had occurred, but I couldn’t share it with anyone. I couldn’t say to the girl, “Hey, you know my brother.” Because after the initial “Oh what a small world,” would come, “Wait, how did you know I was texting your brother.” And then I would be a creep and my brother would be the guy with the creep for a brother. (Save the “he already is the guy with a creep for a brother” comment. That’s too easy a joke. You’re better than that. Well, most of you are.) My brother was on a flight to Vegas, so I couldn’t even call him and tell him what was happening.
I just had to sit there with this creepy coincidence stewing in my mental crawlspace. It was terrible.
But, time has now passed, and I’m a little more comfortable with my “habit” now. I’ve decided it just means I’m inquisitive and concerned about the well being of others. So, random girl who was texting my brother from a bus after the Foo Fighters/Weezer show at the Meadowlands that time, have I got a coincidence to tell you about.
Sports Illustrated: August 16,2010
