The Philly Phanatic is Like a Drag Queen For Kids

Justin August 2, 2010 3

I have been blessed in my life to have made many very close friends (Read that as: There are many people who are lucky enough to call me a close friend.)

That means I have been lucky enough to be a groomsman, a best man, and even an internet minister. There’s only one thing I have not been, but come September, that all changes.  Yes,  your favorite purveyor of sports and pop culture witticisms will be a male bridesmaid. (For a second, you thought maybe I was getting married. I am not. But if you know anyone..)

In keeping with tradition, I attended a bachelorette party over the weekend. And so, I found myself being pulled on stage by a drag queen on the Lower East Side.  It reminded me very much of past experiences with the Philly Phanatic.

Allow me to explain.

As a heterosexual gentleman, I was, understandably, a bit uncomfortable being pulled up on stage by a male impersonator. Said impersonator clearly sensed my discomfort and decided to talk me through the process, thus putting me at ease (and probably protecting him/herself from any potentialy violent reactions from a random guy they’ve pulled up on stage)

And so, whispers.

“I’m gonna grab your belt, but only your belt. Don’t worry,”

“I’m gonna jump now, you have to catch me. Don’t worry,”

“Now turn around, but DON’T worry.”

And so, a fantastic time was had by all. Everyone had a chuckle, no one felt like they were being raped, and no one ended up getting punched or knocked off a stage.

Where had I seen this technique before? Let’s travel back in time a bit. The place is Veterans Stadium in the early 90’s. The Phillies and playing the Cubs. A young man is sitting behind the Phillies dugout, but he’s wearing a Cubs hat, a Cubs tshirt and a Cubs jacket. You see, friends, this young man, who we will call Izzy, is a Cubs fan. We will call him this because it is his name.

As the game goes on, the Philly Phanatic begins doing his routine on the home team dugout.  He spots our young friend decked out in Cubs regalia. He approaches. He leans in. He whispers:

“I’m gonna take your hat. Don’t worry.”

“I’m gonna take your jacket. Don’t worry.”

“Someone’s going to bring all this stuff back to you. Don’t worry.”

Whats’ it all mean? Well, I think it’s obvious. The next time someone in a disguise approaches you and whispers into your ear… DON’T WORRY.


  1. John August 2, 2010 at 8:44 pm -

    I think I’d be more freaked out by the Phillie Phanatic talking.

  2. ctoph August 3, 2010 at 11:24 am -

    The philly phanatic is the greatest mascot ever! But I too would be scared if he whispered in my ear.

  3. Beltway Buddy August 4, 2010 at 9:23 am -

    I have a picture of Justin being whipped on stage by the dude. Seriously.

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