Am I downtown chic? I am hip and fun?
These are questions I’ve been asking myself for the better part of a week. I am not having an existential crisis or looking to recreate my image. I’m simply having dinner.
Tomorrow night, I’m going to a pretty nice restaurant.Â Because I think about these sorts of things, I checked out the place’s website to see what I am supposed to wear. That’s where I found Attire: Downtown Chic, Hip, Fun.
I don’t know what that is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not jeans and a polo shirt. Did this freak me out? I think you know the answer to that. I googled the term downtown chic. I got pictures of men in scarves and wool caps and leather pants. Apparently, it’s very difficult to be downtown chic during a heatwave.
So, I’m wearing jeans. Deal with it restaurant. Take me as I come.
It’s a theme we revisit during this week’s issue of Sports Illustrated.
I begin by revisiting a continuing theme in these reviews. I would like Dan Patrick to stop trying to be the cool guy and just ask questions.Â This week’s subject is Jared Allen. The Vikings lineman is a legitimately bright and funny guy. There are a number of topics that could be discussed. What does Dan Patrick go with? Exactly what you think he would.
Dan Patrick: Where’d you go on your honeymoon?
Jared Allen: Amalfi Coast, over in Italy.
DP: Did you wear a Speedo?
Every week, Dan Patrick reminds me more and more of Phil on Midern Family. He wants so much to be the funny life of the party that he ends up being a fool. It’s fitting that he apparently has a cameo in Grown Ups.Â It’s a bunch of guys clinging to roles they made famous a decade ago stuck in Arrested Development.
Serena Supreme by L. Jon Wertheim
Serena Williams doesn’t know what downtown chic means either, and she probably doesn’t care. The first half of Wertheim’s article is a great argument for Serena as the best female tennis player in history. But, like all SI grand slam tennis pieces, he’s forced to cover both sides of the bracket. The profile of Wimbledon winner Rafael Nadal breaks absolutely no new ground and is a rehash of every other article after every other win Nadal has ever posted. He had a hard year because his parents got divorced. We know this because you’ve written it three times already. Maybe Rafa would have an easier time getting over the split if he didn’t have to read about it all the time in Sports Illustrated.
All The World Sees Red by Grant Wahl
Here’s where we stand on World Cup coverage. All the pre-tourney articles focused on how American sports fans need to be fixed because we don’t understand soccer. The preliminary round and early knockout round coverage was about how the US team needs to be fixed so we can better enjoy the game. Now the semifinal coverage is about how the refereeing needs to be fixed so we can better enjoy it. Maybe it’s just time to admit it’s not us, it’s soccer.
Courting The King by Ian Thomsen
If you needed a Sports Illustrated article to catch you up on the NBA free agency story, then you aren’t reading this review. Because that means you have never used a computer in your life. I have spent the better part of this week hitting refresh on a thousand twitter feeds, reporter blogs and rumor sites.Â You know who also may not be a big fan of new trends? Ian Thomsen.Â He namechecks Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and the Kardashians.Â Those are awesome pop culture references if this article was written in 2007.
Not A Pretty Picture by L. Jon Wertheim
Here’s a strange fact. Two of my favorite SI articles of the past year profiled the Pittsburgh Pirates.Â In February, Mark Bechtel wrote about Princeton grad turned Capitol Hill intern turned Pirates starter Ross Ohlendorf and now Wertheim shines a light on the entire sad franchise. Maybe it’s the fact that they’ve been bad for a generation, but the Pirates are essentially a non-entity on ESPN and MLB TV. It’s nice to see what went wrong and try to decide whether or not it will ever go write.
How Air Coryell Changed Football by Tim Layden
More than anything, this is creepy.Â The article is an excerpt from Layden’s upcoming book. Did the magazine plan to dedicate time to the book before Don Coryell died? And was it this particular section that they planned on using? And if not, how lucky are both parties that this book was written when it was?Â As for the content, it’s too much x’s and o’s for me, but football fans may really enjoy it.
POINT AFTER by Selena Roberts
I read about the fight over Jim Thorpe’s remainsÂ in the New York Times a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, so did Selena Roberts.