I have never actually taken a cooking class, nor do I have any actual culinary skills.Â Still, I’ve recently decided to declare myself a master chef.
This may sound a bit rash to you. But, I watch a lot of Food Network and it doesn’t look that hard.
I’m not talking Top Chef Masters. I’m not makingÂ julianned ocra compote over a dill salmon reduction sauce with Fennel. (Why do they love fennel so much? USE INGREDIENTS I’VE HEARD OF, TOP CHEFS!)
I’m talking about the shows that focus on actual food that real people eat.Â Like that Diners show with the meth addict host who wears sunglasses on the back of his head.Â But especially, “The Best Thing I Ever Ate.” I love that show.Â The concept is solid. Things that are the best are generally very good. So, IÂ want to eat them.
Last week, I made peanut butter and banana stuffed french toast for myself and some friends. And IT WAS DELICIOUS AND NOT AT ALL DEADLY FOR ANYONE WHO ATE IT.Â I also served as souz chef for someone who was making pasta salad. (I boiled water AND stirred! That is two skills.)
So there you go. Stuffed French toast and pasta salad. It’s a very continental menu.Â I’M INTERNATIONALLY SKILLED!
This has nothing to do with SI, but it’s getting harder to come up with intros to these reviews.
(Thanks, SI, for making me have to go through ITunes to get to this week’s issue for some reason. That wasn’t completely fucking annoying at all.)
Let’s start with a letter to the editor
For years SI has given its readers the choice to opt out of receiving the Swimsuit Issue. Could you please do the same for any future World Cup or soccer issues?
Jeff Sponsler, Littleton, Colo.
HA! That’s a good one, Jeff. I’ve been complaining about this for a couple of weeks.Â An article or two about World Cup is fine, but don’t go overboard.Â And while we’re on the topic, Is there anything more anachronistic than the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue? You know, they have naked ladies on the internet now. And they do all sorts of dirty stuff to themselves and other people. I don’t need to look at a lady in a bathing suit anymore.
Next, we turn to Inside Baseball. Jon Heyman writes a brief piece about the crumbling relationship between White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen and GM Ken Williams. It’s the same old shit with Ozzie Guillen. He’s not really a refreshing voice anymore, telling the truth when no one else will. Now, he’s just kind of an asshole who thinks he’s bullet proof. Just shut the fuck up.
Out of Nowhere by Alan Shipnuck
Remember that scene in Superbad when Michael Cera is playing videogames, and he loses. And he wonders out loud why they make something that’s so hard you can’t win.
That’s how I feel when I watch the US Open. Why is it fun to watch people struggle. Also, when I read this article, I had trouble following who Alan Shipnuck was talking about at times.
DYNASTY: Beginning or Ending? by Lee Jenkins
YES! Nice work finding an alternative angle to cover the Lakers latest title. Instead ofÂ writing “In game 5, Kobe scored this many points and, afterwards, Ron Artest fornicated with that forest animal,” like most other wrapup articles would have, Lee Jenkins focused in on the most interesting aspect of the story. Namely, Now what? Phil Jackson’s obviously a fascinating guy, and we actually learn some new things about him here. That’s no small feat, considering he’s been at the top of a very high profile profession for the last two decades.
The World’s A Stage by Grant Wahl
This is just a beautifully written story. The topic is almost secondary.
On a patch of grass in a teeming stadium at the bottom of Africa last Friday, Donovan had just such an encounter.
What a great sentence! And bonus points for starting with Landon Donovan talking about the art of scoring a goal. It seems prescient when you consider it was written before Donovan scored the goal to be Algeria.
While we’re on the topic of the World Cup.. Have you noticed that the first aid crews don’t wear gloves when they tend to injured and bloody players. It’s not like AIDS is a big problem in Africa or anything.
Second to None by Tom Verducci
I like Robinson Cano. In fact, I like him A LOT. He’s a homegrown star for the Yankees and Verducci does a nice job of showing just how unexpected Cano’s success has been to most of baseball. But, can we calm down with the comparisons to Rogers Hornsby? Cano has a high slugging percentage this year. It doesÂ not mean he’s an all-time great.Â Verducci didn’t need to bring up the comparison to prove his thesis.
Why is This Man Smiling? by Selena Roberts
For the first half of this article, Pete Carroll annoyed me.Â Stop being so happy. Stop acting like everything is so great while investigators prove that USC cheated under your watch. But, its a relatively long article, and towards the middle, my opinions started to shift.Â I like that Pete Carroll doesn’t act like football is war. I like that he wants his players to have fun.
So, where does that leave me? I don’t know. I guess I’m conflicted on how I feel about the coach of the Seattle Seahawks. And considering I have never given him, or the franchise for that matter, a second thought in my life, I guess that means Selena Roberts did well.
The Magical Season of the Macon Ironmen by Chris Ballard
This is a really, really long article. It’s about a long-ago underdog who defeated a heavily favored opponent. Also, there are many black and white photos. Let’s just assume it’s very good.
POINT AFTER by Selena Roberts
More crap about Tiger. Is he good? Will he ever be the same? I’m tired of this line of questioning.