The Crackle’s 2010 Oscar Preview

Justin March 4, 2010 1

The Gay Superbowl is set for Sunday in LA.

It’s the Academy Awards! Continuing on last year’s tradition, SportsCracklePop is here to provide you with the definitive previews and predictions for all of the big awards.

Editor’s Note: I do not like Movies. I have not seen the vast majority of the nominated films, nor do I have any intention of doing so in the future.

http://www.weeklyreader.com/readandwriting/content/binary/Oscar1.jpg

Best Picture:

Avatar: The best way I’ve heard this movie summed up was by Jon Stewart, when he had Sigourney Weaver on as a guest. He said “The commercials for this movie made it look like a giant turd, but when I saw it, it was amazing.” That’s what I’ve heard from a lot of people, who also say the experience will be completely lost unless you see Avatar on a big screen. Oh well, I won’t.

The Blind Side: My brother saw this. He said it was shitty. I don’t doubt it. It looks sappy and overwrought. If they ever make the Moneyball movie, that might be good.

District 9: This was like a horror movie from New Zealand or some shit? Pass.

An Education: Education is the cornerstone of success. I approve.

The Hurt Locker: I love that Kathryn Bigelow is one of James Cameron’s ex-wives. It adds some extra intrigue. But I was dissapointed to find out that they are actually still friendly with each other, and have even worked together since the divorce. I was hoping she would win an award, get up to the podium and say “Fuck you, King of the World. Nice job leaving me for the chick from Terminator. She looks like more of a man than Schwarzenegger. And I think you probably molested Edward Furlong during Terminator 2. Why else would his career have instantly ended after that movie.” Alas, that will not happen.

Inglourious Basterds: Yeah. Fuck you Nazis.

Precious:
I recently watched an entire Tyler Perry movie from start to finish. I did this because I wanted to see exactly why his work is popular. I understand as a white Jewish male from the Northeast, I am almost the exact opposite of the Black southern baptist community his work tends to appeal to. But even  having said that, this was not a well done piece of work. In fact, I would think the African American community would find it borderline insulting. The characters are actually stereotypes, like the crack dealer who makes kids sell drugs at school and the guy from the ghetto who was falsely convicted of raping a white girl when he was a teenager but now wants to own his own mechanic shop and raise his daughters with the uppity corporate lawyer. The second one may not actually be a stereotype, but still..

A Serious Man: Never heard of it

Up: Good to see Ed Asner is still alive and capable of using his vocal chords.

Up in the Air: I actually saw this one. It was alright, but I don’t really get all the hoopla. I guessed the “big twist” pretty easily, and the ending was pretty obvious from the start.

WINNER: AVATAR

Actor in a Leading Role:

Jeff Bridges: This guy has been around for like 35 years, and yet every profile of him calls him “The Dude.” I like Big Lebowski as much as anyone, but when it’s constantly referred to, I think it diminishes from Jeff Bridges’ career. Don’t forget TRON! Anyway, I saw this movie. Jeff Bridges plays Mickey Rourke from the Wrestler, except with a guitar. It was fine.  He was good.

George Clooney: He was the best part of an overrated movie. I think at this point, his name is permanently written into the list of nominees. Then, they figure out what movie to honor him for.

Colin Firth: How is this guy considered a sex symbol in England? He looks like an algebra teacher. Come on British ladies. Raise your standards!

Morgan Freeman: This is unfair. How can someone playing Nelson Mandela not be nominated for an Oscar? The guy was in jail for 27 years!

Jeremy Renner: I do not want to see this movie. It looks interesting and I want it to win Best Picture, but I don’t want to sit there and watch people almost blow up. It just doesn’t seem like an enjoyable way to spend two hours.

WINNER: JEFF BRIDGES

Actress in a Leading Role:

Sandra Bullock: Big fan. I enjoy all of her madcap romantic comedy adventures, whether it’s being Hugh Grant’s lawyer, or Benjamin Bratt’s beauty contestant, or… other movies she’s been in that I can’t think of now.

Helen Mirren: This lady again? Whatever.

Carey Mulligan: She’s like a young Helen Mirren, in that she’s British and I don’t care to see the movie she is in. Wall Street 2 will either be awesome or a complete abortion. Probably the latter. I mention it cause this Mulligan is in it. She plays Gordon Gecko’s daughter.

Gabourey Sidibe:
The guy who directed this movie keeps calling her fat in interviews. It pisses her off. I like this lady. She seems like a cool chick. Fat, though.

Meryl Streep: She played Julia Child. I enjoy food a great deal. I’m sold.

WINNER: MERYL STREEP
Actor in a Supporting Role

Matt Damon: What’s the statute of limitations on Matt Damon and Ben Affleck being referred to as “Oscar Winner” when they appear in films? It’s not like they won the Oscar for acting. They wrote Good Will Hunting like 13 years ago. if you were opening a restaurant, you would not say “come eat our food. The chef was once a really good waiter.” That would be stupid.

Woody Harrelson: He’s still around?  Good to know.

Christopher Plummer: I Don’t know who he is.

Stanley Tucci: He plays a murdering molestor.  So…. yeah.

Christoph Waltz: Yeah. Fuck you Nazis.

WINNER: MATT DAMON (Actually, Christoph Waltz will win, but I can’t, in good conscience, pick a German.)

Actress in a Supporting Role

Penelope Cruz: I am clearly in the minority here, but I don’t find Penelope Cruz the least bit attractive. Her nose is huge and her face is too angular.

Vera Farmigia: Her name sounds like a European sex act.

Maggie Gyllenhaal: I very much like Maggie Gyllenhaal. She is adorable. Have you ever seen “Stranger Than Fiction?” That’s one of my five all time favorite movies. It’s criminally undernoticed. Anyway, she played a baker with tattoos all over her arms in that movie. And for some reason, I DIG her like that.

Anna Kendrick: She was bad in this movie. She comes from Broadway, where she was the youngest ever Tony winner. Here’s why I hate theatre: Stop yelling at me, actors! Why do you have to project your goddamned voices so much? It’s not Shakespeare’s time anymore. They have microphones on the stage, and speakers in the theatre.

Mo’Nique: I like her apostrophe. She’s like the A’mare Stoudemire of acting. While we’re on the subject, when did Amare become A’mare exactly? And is it universally accepted? I thought it was a typo on the ESPN Bottom Line the first time, but then it started showing up every time.

WINNER: MO’NIQUE

One Comment »

  1. King Ing March 5, 2010 at 10:12 am -

    Are you going to be mad at me for betting on Germany to win the World Cup?

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