Of Golden Arms and Golden Girls

Justin April 27, 2009 0

There were two major stories this weekend: The NFL draft was one. The other, obviously, was the passing of Bea Arthur. (Swine Flu is a distant third. Wear a condom, pigs!)

So, in honor of these two earth shattering events, SportsCracklePop presents “Which Golden Girl are you?; NFL Draft Edition.”

-Mark Sanchez: The Jets new QB is Blanche Deveroux. Why? Because he’s a slut! Sanchez flirted with about a dozen teams in the final weeks before the draft. He was linked to everyone from Seattle to KC to Denver before finally ending up with the Jets.

-Al Davis: Yes, he’s obviously Sofia Petrillo, but not just because he’s old. Davis seems lost at times, but, make no mistake, he knows exactly what he wants to do and why he’s doing it. Did he draft Heyward-Bey too early? Experts say so. But I think Al Davis knows more about football than Todd McShay. He’s got years of wisdom behind him. And he does what he wants,without worrying about how it looks to other people. Also. orthopedic shoes.

-Michael Oher: He’s Rose Nyland. Oher is completely defined by his past, as chronicled by Michael Lewis in “Blind Side.” Betty White’s dumbass character, Rose Nyland, was completely defined by her retarded past in St.Olaf, Minnesota.

-Rey Maualuga:  Obviously, he’s Dorothy Zbornack. Let’s say you’re on vacation with your friends in North Carolina’s Outer Banks. You’re sitting around the table, drinking a few beers, and having a conversation. Obviously, the conversation will ultimately turn to which Golden Girl you would have sex with. There are, realistically, three choices: Blanche, Rose and Dorothy. Dorothy would be the last option left on the table. There were three USC linebackers on the board. Maualuga was the last one left on the table.

-Erin Andrews: She’s Sofia, Rose and Blanche. Why? She teamed up with Bill Cosby for this painful performance. The year after Bea Arthur decided to leave the show, the rest of the Golden Girls moved over to CBS for the show Golden Palace. Around the same time, Bill Cosby moved to CBS for the show “Cosby.” Painful performances all.

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