Man can not live on sports alone. In order to provide you with a more well-rounded internet experience, SportsCracklePop presents its first annual Oscar picks post.
Editors Note: I do not enjoy seeing movies. I’ve only seen 5Â all year and of them, Stepbrothers was my favorite.
Â Best Picture:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Someone who saw this told me they felt like THEY had aged 88 years while watching it. It looks dreadful
Frost/Nixon:I actually saw this one, but I wasn’t blown away or anything. Also, is it just me or does Oliver Platt just play Oliver Platt in every movie and TV show he’s in?
Milk: Milk and milk products oftentimes give me diarrhea.
The Reader: Old Nazi lady screws a kid. On the plus side, there are apparently a lot of boobies in this movie.
Slumdog Millionaire:Â That Mumbai thing was pretty bad. I guess they deserve this.
WINNER: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Richard Jenkins in The Visitor: He was in Stepbrothers. This movie is about playing drums or some shit.
Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon: Doing a Nixon imitation doesn’t seem too tough. Every person in America has done it at least once since 1968. The guy who played Frost was better, I thought.
Sean Penn in Milk: Mickey Rourke says Sean Penn is a giant homophobe, so it’s ironic that he’s in this movie. I like that two of the nominees in this category actually hate each other. It makes it more dramatic.
Brad Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Brad Pitt. Whatever. Nice work acting handsome then making weird voices while computers make you look old.
Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler:Â I watched this, and then watched the Pope of Greenwich Village on the same day. It’s like two completely different people. Anyway, he was great in the Wrestler. He had to be. There was barely a plot.
WINNER: Mickey Rourke
Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married:Ugh, Anne Hathaway. She’s such a phony baloney. Seriously. I hate her. Stop trying to act like you’re just a normal girl who happens to act. “Oh, I’m just like the rest of you. It turns out my boyfriend was a liar!” No, jackass, he was a giant multimillionaire con man thief who ripped off the pope. And stop trying to sound smart in interviews. No matter how hard you try to sound like a fucking rocket scientist, you’re still the girl from Nanny Diaries. And we’ve seen that movie “Havoc”, where you get naked and smoke crack. Don’t pretend this gloomy piece of crap about shitting on your sister’s wedding day is your first attempt at being a “serious” actress.
Angelina Jolie in the Changeling: She plays a mother who can’t find her kid. I bet that happens a lot in real life. She has a lot of kids.
Melissa Leo in Frozen River: I have never heard of this woman. I have never heard of this movie.Â
Meryl Streep in Doubt:When I was a baby, my grandfather ran a candy shop on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Meryl Streep lived upstairs, and had just had her first daughter. She used to go into my Grandfather’s shop and they would compare baby pictures.
Kate Winslet in The Reader:Â People seem really freaked out by the fact that she plays an adult who has sex with a teenager. No one seems bothered by the fact that she’s a NAZI.Â
WINNER: Meryl Streep
Josh Brolin in Milk:Â I have nothing to say about this guy. His career has made no impact on my life.
Robert Downey Jr in Tropic Thunder:I didn’t expect to like this movie. Ben Stiller annoys me and Tom Cruise creeps me out. But it was great. Cruise probably should have been nominated instead of Downey. Either way, I’m glad the Academy found fit to reward someone for appearing in a comedy. It’s like Superbad never even happened for these people. Also, how about using this category to reward the guy who battled drugs and won, as opposed to the guy who battled drugs and lost?
Philip Seymour Hoffman in Doubt: He is a freaking great actor! I didn’t see this movie.
Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight: Did you know he’s dead? You know what made this movie so great? The Joker was bad just to be bad. He had no motivation that could be eliminated, so there was nothing anyone could do to try to stop him from being evil. I also liked the fact that Batman was essentially a supporting character in the movie.Â But both of those things can be chocked up to great writing. If he didn’t OD at the Olson twin’s house, there is no way he would have been considered.
Michael Shannon in Revolutionary Road: They filmed one scene of this movie across the street from my office.Â I guess it’s like a sequel to Titanic if DiCaprio had known how to swim. I don’t know who the fuck Michael Shannon is.
WINNER: Heath Ledger
Amy Adams in Doubt: Amy Adams has been nominated for two Academy Awards. Let me repeat that. Amy Adams has been nominated for two Academy Awards.
Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona:Here’s a story. The night I went to see Tropic Thunder, I got on line for tickets at the theater. After about ten minutes, the guy in front of me mentioned that it was actually the line to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and I said “Ugh, I don’t want to see that shit!” The dude got all insulted. Well fuck you and fuck Woody Allen. He hasn’t been funny in 30 years. Annie Hall has some of the greatest lines in movie history. Since then its all shit.Â Also, I hate Scarlett Johannson as much as I hate Anne Hathaway. She put out an album of Tom Waitts covers. Do you want to knowÂ the only thing on the planet that’s worse than a self important actress doing an album of Tom Waitts covers? An album of Tom Waitts originals. Stop thinking your a talented actress. There are only two reasons anyone watches your movies, and you better show them on screen soon or we’re all going to lose interest. Anyway, Penelope Cruz has a fucked up nose. I think she’s ugly. I prefer Salma Hayek.
Viola Davis in Doubt: How is the entire cast of this movie nominated for awards, and yet it’s not up for Best Picture?
Taraji P. Henson in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: She plays Brad Pitt’s mom. I think she’s younger than him and also is black. God, this looks like the worst piece of crap ever. Thank god I haven’t wasted my time watching it.
Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler: I watched this movie a week ago Monday. Marisa Tomei plays a stripper, and is naked a lot. Then I watched that Obama concert Saturday on HBO and she’s standing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial addressing hundreds of thousands of people at one of the most important junctures in American history. It was difficult to balance those two moments in my head.
WINNER: who gives a shit. There’s a reason they usually give this one out first. No one cares.