OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
We have reached the final match up in our long search for the biggest douchebag in all of sports, and it’s a doozy! (I have no idea if I spelled doozy right.)
Recap of why each contestant made the Finals after the jump…
1. Barry Bonds
Letâ€™s get one thing straight. The simple fact that Barry Bonds took steroids does not make him a douchebag. I donâ€™t even care that he took them. Lots of guys have done it, and a number of them arenâ€™t particularly unpleasant.
Bonds is a douche because of why he took them.Â He wasnâ€™t some guy battling for a job, or a solid pro looking for a big payday. Bonds was already a hall of famer, and arguable the greatest player in history. But he was jealous that McGwire and Sosa were getting all the headlines, so he took steroids and put up unimaginable numbers.Â Petty jealousy led him to destroy the sportâ€™s most hallowed records. That is the douchiest thing ever.
Then he got caught. And he denied it. And he was indicted. And he denied it. And his trainer and supposed best friend, Greg Anderson, went to jail to protect him.Â You know the saying the truth shall set you free? Well, that was literally the case. If Bonds had admitted his wrongdoing, Anderson probably could have gone home. Bonds screwed his â€œfriendâ€, douchily.
At least he was cool to his teammates. Oh wait. No he wasnâ€™t. Only Barry Bonds could turn Jeff Kent into a sympathetic figure. He sat in that Giants clubhouse, taking up two or three lockers, and sitting in a specially ordered leather recliner. And from that seat he refused to talk to most reporters, unless they were young and hot and blonde.
Is it any wonder that a guy with this much baggage couldnâ€™t find a team this year? His agent thinks it is, because he wanted to players union to investigate whether the owners were colluding against Bonds to keep him out of the sport.Â How can anyone be so blind to public opinion.
The final straw came last weekend, when Bonds was invited to take part in a 50th anniversary celebration in San Francisco. He took the mic, told the only fans who ever liked him that he wasnâ€™t retired, then took a shot at the Joe Torre and the Dodgers, who were watching fromÂ their dugout. â€œHey, Torre, Iâ€™ve beaten you before and Iâ€™ll beat you again.â€Â Thatâ€™s nice, dickhead. Also, when have you ever beaten Torre? The Giants never played the Yankees in the post season.Â Unless, this raging asshole is discussing some long ago game against Torreâ€™s Cardinals in the 90â€™s, when both teams were terrible.
Hey Barry, go away.
WHAT A DOUCHE!
1. Curt Schilling
In the interest of full disclosure, I feel itâ€™s important to include this fact: If Curt Schilling died, I would be happy. This isnâ€™t some conjecture or hyperbole meant to show you how much I hate this guy. I actively root for his death on a daily basis. His very existence is abhorrent to me.
Hereâ€™s why heâ€™s a douchebag.
Curt Schilling is all about Curt Schilling. When he joined the Red Sox prior to 2004, he spoke about wanting to win a World Series for the fans of Boston. What he really meant was he wanted to be the guy credited by the fans of Boston for winning a World Series. Thatâ€™s why he made such a big deal about that goddamned bloody sock. Lots of people play injured, but they donâ€™t mail their dirty laundry to Cooperstown. Heâ€™s a glory hog, and I hate that.
Curt Schilling needs to learn when to shut his face. During the NBA Finals, he criticized Kobe Bryant for being a bad teammate. Hey, Curt, fuck off. Nobody asked you.
Curt Schilling is a bad teammate. Oh look, assface, the shoe is on the other foot now. Ask Mitch Williams what he thinks about Curt Schilling. He hates him more than I do. Why? Because he threw that douchey towel over his douchey head during the â€˜93 post season. He was so worried that Williams would blow his prescious wins, that he couldnâ€™t bear to watch. And what do you know? Schilling ended up on TV as a result.
Curt Schilling has cornered the market on disgusting false modesty. Are you a â€œHall of Famer?â€ the radio host asks. â€œNo, no way I amâ€ says Dickbrain McGee. Then he sits there and listens while the radio host makes the case for Schilling to be inducted. What an ass.
Curt Schilling is a terrible husband and father. His wife had skin cancer. His kids are at risk as well. So, where does he make the family live? In the middle of the Arizona desert, of course. So, when the kids wanted to go out and play when they were little, they had to do it at night. Awesome. Curt Schilling is raising an army of mole people who will do nothing but bow to him and play on swing sets in the darkness.
There, Iâ€™ve made my case. Heâ€™s a scourge on society and a pox on our nation. WHAT A DOUCHE!