America’s team is about to be derailed by America’s next Vice President. It’s a plan more than 30 years in the making, and, like most sinister plots, involves the band Fallout Boy. Allow me to take you through the steps.
1. When Joe Biden entered the Senate in the early 70’s, he hired a staff. Among that collection of employees were two Legislative Assistants who fell in love, got married and started a family.
2. Among that family was a young man named Peter Wentz, who went on the fame and fortune as the most visible member of whine-rock supergroup Fall Out Boy. Here is Mr. Biden, Mrs. Wentz, and little Petey:
3. Pete Wentz took that fame and fortune and used to it bed a number of famous ladies, before finally settling upon the younger, uglier, and less talented Simpson sister, Ashlee.
4. Pete apparently forgot to buy condoms.
5. Any day now, Ashlee Simpson will give birth to a child fathered by Pete Wentz. For the first time in her clearly unhappy life, Ashlee Simpson will step out of her sister’s ample shadow and, at least temporarily, become the favorite of creepy family patriarch Joe Simpson. Everyone loves a baby, and Mr. Simpson will obviously be excited about the chance to exploit a whole new generation.
6. Freaked out by the reality that she is no longer the favorite, Jessica Simpson will react in one of two ways. She will either shut down emotionally or embark on a mission to get pregnant herself, in an effort to once again tip the balance of power back in her favor.
7. Either way, Simpson’s reaction will have delitirious effects on her boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy Quarterback Tony Romo.
7a. If she shuts down emotionally, Romo will struggle to figure out why, racking his brain for answers while he’s supposed to be studying opponent game film and recovering from that broken pinkie. His game will suffer.
7b. If she decided it’s time to get pregnant, the uptick in sexual activity will screw with Romo physically. Simpson is dumb, so she is probably of the the belief that she has to be on the bottom for fertilization to occur. That means more work for Tony, and probably soreness in his abdomen and upper thighs. It may also lead to a chafed penis, which is uncomfortable for even the heartiest of men.Â And Romo has missed a month because his pinkie finger hurts, so hearty is not a word I would use to describe him.
8. His lackluster play will push the Cowboys over the edge on which they are already teetering, and destroy their season.
9. The New York Giants will take advantage of this and cruise to a division title, a first round bye in the playoffs and a clear path to a repeat appearance in the Super Bowl.
So, there you have it. Thanks to Joe Biden, the Giants will win the NFC East, and probably, a whole lot more.Â Ironic, since Biden grew up in Scranton and lives in Delaware. He’s probably an Eagles fan.