An Open Letter to C. Montague Schilling

Gino Vaginelli September 11, 2008 3

Dear Mr. Curtis Montague Schilling,

I’m writing this open letter to you in response to the recent comments you made on the second-rate New England Sports Radio Station WEEI in regards to the bitterness of New York Sports Fans and the allegedly collective bliss we all shared in the season ending injury to Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.

First and foremost might I remind you that the Patriots had Tom Brady in the Superbowl last season when the New York Giants beat them and won the Championship. Fluke or not the Giants proved that the Patriots can be beaten with or without Tom Brady. Why would we find so much bliss in seeing a mortal athlete that we beat a little more than six months earlier going down for the season only to spend his days in leisure buttering up Gisele Bundchen and whatever supermodel comes next. Its really hard to feel bad for the guy when he’s out knocking up broads most of us can only touch when we’re dipping into our spank banks. There’s no doubt that Tom Brady is a great quarterback, even with the assistance of a head coach who cheats. However Tom Brady is not immortal. Like you or any other great athlete he can be beat and when it happens it makes the game more exciting. This past years Superbowl is a prime example.

As for us bitter New York sports fans. I’m not the first person to agree with you that we’re bitter. Aside for the joy that was this past years Superbowl, as well as the Rangers once again being competitive, we’ve got a lot of reason to be bitter. The state of the Knicks is simply unspeakable. As for the Yanks, they’ve finally been exposed for what they really are…a shell of their former selves. Since the millennium they’ve really become what the Red Sox used to be. Just good enough to keep giving their fans hope but not good enough to go all the way.  Now I know why my friends who are Sox fans were so bitter in the decades leading up to 2004. And last but not least, no real New Yorkers gives a crap about the Jets (with or without Old Man Favre), Mets and Isles. They belong to those heathens out on Long Island with accents almost as funny as all the fratboy douches in Southie who somehow ended up in frats without ever going to college.

Enough about Tom Brady and New York sports fans. Let’s talk about the real issue at hand. The real reason why you went on the air. You. Curtis Montague Schilling. I don’t mean to go on a tangent here but what the hell kind of name is that anyway? Is your father William Shakespeare or something? You didn’t go on the air with the intent of defending Tom Brady or smearing New York sports fans. You went on the air to stroke yourself to the sound of your own voice. It was yet another attempt to make yourself seem relevant when you’re now everything but that. Carl “The American Idle” Pavano has won more games than you this season. Do I need to say more? I don’t care if you think I don’t need to cause I’m going to exercise the freedom of speech which you continue to abuse time and time and time again. Your team is currently in the thick of pennant race that is really heating up. It hasn’t been an easy season for your team with Josh Beckett pitching like a solid #3, the disappointment that is Clay Bucholz, the departure of Manny, Papi, Lowell and Drew’s time on DL and your Captain who’s been batting like he couldn’t hit a Pinata without a blindfold. My cap is tipped to your teammates. Through hell and high water they continue to play with the swagger of a team that knows how to win and here they are in the stretch still in the thick of it. But guess what…through it all it hardly seems like you’re missed. You’re not even a fart in the wind to this team.

So what do you do? You go on the air and start running your mouth to hear your own voice. It’s nothing really new with you is it? You weren’t implicated in the steroid scandal but you gleefully went in front of Congress for the photo-op while your fellow players were being dragged through the mud and hung out to dry. When Boston was in the NBA finals you were fortunate enough to sit courtside at the Boston Garden. What was the first thing you did after the game? You ran home and blogged about what a horrible teammate Kobe Bryant was based upon the small sample size of what you witnessed next to the bench. Personally, I think you’re probably right in this instance, but the real question is who in the hell are you to comment on it?

Curtis, you are an accomplished man. You have won 216 games and are the proud owner of three world series rings, twice prematurely ending the season of the greatest dynasty in sports. Thats quite an accomplishment and you have a career many would cheat or even die for. You might actually make it into the hall if you shut up and quit now. I actually thought you had more wins than you actually do…probably because your ego tends to make you seem a lil greater than you actually are. But if a guy like Mike Mussina is questionable for the hall with 51 more wins (and counting)…where does that leave you? Honestly, I think more than your bloody sock deserves to make it to the hall..you’ve earned it. But for the love of god if and when that day comes I don’t plan on being there when you make what will surely be the loooooongest speech in the history of speeches.

So Curtis please do us all a favor and RIP…no I don’t want you to die. I know you think New York sports fans would find joy in something like that but its simply not true. I just want you to Retire In Peace. Let the fans of the greatest American sport remember you for what you accomplished on the mound and for all your hard work raising money for ALS research. Not for being a washed up great who couldn’t shut his mouth when he was no longer relevant. At least guys like Rickey Henderson, Charles Barkley, Mike Tyson and Shaq are entertaining when they open their mouths.

In closing, if you find you absolutely must keep talking, perhaps I can offer you some employment suggestions for life beyond baseball:

- You can start lobbying now to be Tim McGarver’s replacement the way Gary Carter lobbied to replace Willie Randolph as the Met’s manager before he was fired. You couldn’t be much worse.

- You can easily replace any of the hacks on WEEI and have legions of homer fans who’d love to hear you almost as much as you love to hear yourself.

- Go on the campaign trail and speak out for John McSame our next worst President of the United States. You already campaigned for the current title holder. Why not contribute more to this great countries down fall? You have to talk a lot on the campaign trail.

- You can do all the voiceover work for the characters in your new Online Roll-Playing game. You own the company…getting the job should be a piece of cake. That way you can hear your own voice as you slay the Trolls and Orcs controlled by pimple-faced 14yr olds and overgrown dungeon-masters with your Sword of A Thousand Truths into the wee hours of the morning.

I hope you take this letter to heart.

Yours Truly,

Gino Vaginelli

Sports Crackle Pop Correspondent at Large.

p.s. I’m Leeroy Jenkins Biatch!!!

p.p.s. If you really want to be classy you’ll donate your entire 2008 salary to your ALS fund or the Jimmy fund in the Name of Red Sox Nation, since you’re being little more than the most overpaid spokesperson in the history of professional sports.

3 Comments »

  1. const September 11, 2008 at 3:40 pm -

    you had me until your lame political rant about John McCain. It was rather “Schilling-esque”.

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