Who’s The Biggest Douche in Sports?

Justin August 14, 2008 2

Down to the final four of female freshness. Here are the first 12 nominees.

Candidate number 13: Jason Kidd

The future hall of famer starting douching it up early on. He decided to go to Cal, which was coming of a 10-18 season, instead of a number of high profile schools which were actually good.  You could argue he wanted to stay close to his Oakland home. But I will argue, he was probably paid under the table. His coach, Todd Bozeman, was eventually forced out a few years later, for funneling money to the family of another recruit. It doesn’t take much to connect the dots.

J-Kidd was so advanced, he was able to leave school after just two seasons, to become a professional douche bag.

First stop: Dallas.  Remember the Triple J ranch? Kidd was supposed to team with Jimmy Jackson and Jamal Mashburn to lead the Mavs back to relevance. Instead, he started fighting with Jackson immediately. Over Toni Braxton.  That was the end of that.

So, the Mavs dealt him to the Suns. That went well for awhile, until Jason met Joumanna. They got married. Then all hell broke lose again.  They got into a fight. He dealt with the situation as any maturing douche bag would. He threw Yogurt at her.  And was charged with domestic abuse. He issued an on-court apology to the fans of Phoenix, who were somehow shocked and appalled by his apparent lack of respect for dairy products. It wasn’t enough. The Suns dealt him to the Nets, for Stephon Marbury.

Kidd had an immediate impact in the swamp. He turned a perrenial also-ran into an Eastern Conference power, leading the Nets to two appearances in  the finals. He was also robbed of the MVP during his first season in Jersey.

That doesn’t mean he wasn’t a dick. Kidd brought Joumanna with him, and since they were obviously in love again, he forced her down the throats of the entire league. Suddenly, Joumanna Kidd was a correspondent for NBA-TV. And they’re friggin’ son was everywhere. That goddamned TJ! It’s not his fault, but the kid just wasn’t cute. He was a little boy with a full man-sized head. And I think he had a moustache. Still, there he was on every broadcast, and at every practice, blocking the sun with that melon, cause Jason Kidd was trying to repair his image as a wifebeater by showing what a great family man he was. Meanwhile, they had other kids. Where were they? Was TJ the telegenic one? Oh my.

Anyway, after a few years, Kidd decided he was too good for New Jersey, so he said he wanted to leave. To make him happy, the Nets signed Alonzo Mourning, who is a douchebag also and has no functioning kidneys or a shitty liver or something. Anyway, he was a dick. But it made Kidd happy for a couple more years since the Nets eventually dealt Mourning for Vince Carter.

Then came last season. Kidd and Joumanna had an acrimonious divorce. A douche divided can not stand. He also once again decided he wanted out of New Jersey.  So, he pulled the one day strike. He claimed he had a headache or a cold or his period, and skipped a game against the Knicks. Dick. The Nets dealt him back to Dallas, and will be a better team for it.  Meanwhile, Kidd led the Mavs to a heroic first round loss in the playoffs. He looked slow and douchey and immediately made Dallas look ridiculous for pulling the trigger on the deal.

Now he’s in Beijing for the Olympics. Maybe he’ll demand a trade to Turkey if he doesn’t like the way LeBron and Kobe are getting all the headlines.



  1. Will August 14, 2008 at 12:31 pm -

    Damn dawg you think Zo is a douche? Man delivers millions of bucks to the less fortunate, is a damn team player, and oh yeah, dickslapped your mom.

  2. wow January 25, 2013 at 7:06 pm -

    bro thanks for trying to be a loving and caring person

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