We’ve had a little break from our douchefest, but it’s time to jump right back into the competition by presenting our next candidate. But first, here’s a rundown of the first six nominees.
Candidate number 7: Lance Armstrong
This one might make some people mad, since the 7 time Tour De France winner has been painted as a combination Superman/ Sir Lancelot over the past decade and a half.Â But let’s look at the facts.
Yes, Lance Armstrong survived a particularly tough battle with testicular cancer, and his ability to achieve athletic success in the wake of that battle has brought hope to thousands of other cancer patients worldwide. But, the dude is still a pretty huge dick.Â
Just ask his ex-wife. She stuck by him through that entire cancer ordeal.Â And how did he repay her?Â By dropping her for Sheryl Crow as soon as he became a huge celebrity.Â
And while we’re on the subject, why don’t we ask Sheryl Crow about Lance Armstrong. He dumped her also, right around the same time she began her own battle with breast cancer.Â Her song, “My Favorite Mistake” is supposedly about a bad relationship with Eric Clapton. Look for a new hit called “A Much Bigger and Douchier Mistake” on her next album.
Lance Armstrong’s best friend is Matthew McConaughey. He is annoying to me.
And to top it all off, there’s no way Lance Armstrong didn’t take steroids. Cycling’s official symbol should be a Syringe.Â Every single person in the sport uses performance enhancing drugs. There is no way a guy who was as sick as Armstrong was able to return to the sport, completely clean, and dominate over a bunch of doped up cycling machines. Guys like Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds are guilty until proven innocent, even though they’ve never failed a drug test. Why doesn’t Lance Armstrong get the same treatment?
WHAT A DOUCHE!