Who’s The Biggest Douche in Sports?

Justin August 5, 2008 6

We’ve had a little break from our douchefest, but it’s time to jump right back into the competition by presenting our next candidate. But first, here’s a rundown of the first six nominees.

Candidate number 7: Lance Armstrong

This one might make some people mad, since the 7 time Tour De France winner has been painted as a combination Superman/ Sir Lancelot over the past decade and a half.  But let’s look at the facts.

Yes, Lance Armstrong survived a particularly tough battle with testicular cancer, and his ability to achieve athletic success in the wake of that battle has brought hope to thousands of other cancer patients worldwide. But, the dude is still a pretty huge dick. 

Just ask his ex-wife. She stuck by him through that entire cancer ordeal.  And how did he repay her?  By dropping her for Sheryl Crow as soon as he became a huge celebrity. 

And while we’re on the subject, why don’t we ask Sheryl Crow about Lance Armstrong. He dumped her also, right around the same time she began her own battle with breast cancer.  Her song, “My Favorite Mistake” is supposedly about a bad relationship with Eric Clapton. Look for a new hit called “A Much Bigger and Douchier Mistake” on her next album.

Lance Armstrong’s best friend is Matthew McConaughey. He is annoying to me.

And to top it all off, there’s no way Lance Armstrong didn’t take steroids. Cycling’s official symbol should be a Syringe.  Every single person in the sport uses performance enhancing drugs. There is no way a guy who was as sick as Armstrong was able to return to the sport, completely clean, and dominate over a bunch of doped up cycling machines. Guys like Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds are guilty until proven innocent, even though they’ve never failed a drug test. Why doesn’t Lance Armstrong get the same treatment?



  1. King Ing August 5, 2008 at 2:40 pm -

    Yeah, Greg Lemond was a winner. Oh, was that Greg Louganis?

  2. bshrek August 5, 2008 at 2:42 pm -


  3. MattSuspect August 6, 2008 at 1:47 pm -

    #3, I’ve been on the anti-lance train since 2004, he left his wife (who stood by him through cancer) for A list celeb once he became a big deal. Fuck this guy.

  4. sully July 26, 2009 at 7:31 am -

    You can have a few new reasons:

    Armstrong sues an animal advocacy group for using the color yellow on their charity bracelet. The Douche owns Yellow.

    Armstrong breaks up with Crowe on the reason she wanted kids (although it was about the cancer she had being a downer), but then knocks up a woman months later.

    He also does the “you’ll never work in this town again” to waiters and bar bouncers.


  5. inbreedfromthesouth August 25, 2009 at 5:05 am -

    so many douches to choose from….my pick, tim tebow

  6. z3nbyte June 15, 2011 at 2:55 pm -

    Armstrong also ruined the legacy of professional cycling. Only an arrogant American seeking to pump up his own hurt pride would come back and compete in the Tour de France. Other amazing cyclists n the past have won 5 times in a row and then stepped aside. Its called being a graceful and professional athlete. It isn’t about who has the most pumped muscles. The legacy is that if you won 5 times then you’d move on and let others rise. Cycling has never been an ego sport, Lance made it that way. Ugly American trying to overpower the world. Also, yes he scooped and then dumped Sheryl Crow but what about what Sheryl Crow did her longstanding sweetie from David & David? She left him and he killed himself. Awesome. Karma is a bitch ladies and gents and if you ask me Lance & Sheryl both got what they deserved by treating the world so shamefully and disrespectfully. No one deserves to be sick but neither does anyone deserve to be treated like dirt.

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