August 27, 2010 – 9:30 pm by Justin
Its about that time again.
My SI subscription is set to run out next month. Obviously, I’m going to renew. But, as is the case with everything else in my life, I’m being lazy about it.
Sports Illustrated doesn’t know that. They’re probably worried that I may be on the verge of cutting our relationship off after two decades. After all, I can read it for free online.
As a result, the good people at Time, Inc are trying to entice me to stay into the fold with the offer of free gifts. It’s a trap I’ve fallen into before, but it’s not a mistake I plan on making again.
When I was a kid, Sports Illustrated offered cool stuff like football phones and sneaker phones and posters. That is no longer the case. Here’s a list of free gifts I’ve recieved in the past:
1. Long Sleeve T-Shirt: I’m by no means a small person. But I’m not unusually large either. I’m around 6’1″ or 6’2″ and I weigh around 240 lbs. I don’t shop at big and tall shops nor do I struggle to fit into clothes from namebrand stores. Yet, for some reason, a size XL Sports Illustrated long sleeve t-shirt makes me look like I’m trying to squeeze into a child size shirt. The sleeves barely reach my wrists and he neck is so tight I feel like I’m being choked. If the shirt arrived on a Tuesday, it had been relegated to the pajama draw by Wednesday.
2. Sports Illustrated Fleece Jacket: Again, there are issues with the sleeves being too short. Luckily, the sleeves have elastic in them so I can stretch them out a little bit. I like the fact that the heather grey fleece jacket has a full zipper, which eliminates a lot of the tightness issues. At least I did like that until I tried to unzip it one day. And the pully-y part of the zipper snapped off in my hand. I WAS A PRISONER IN COMFY FLEECE. I nearly dislocated my shoulder trying to slip it off over my head.
3. Sports Illustrated Gym Bag: The picture makes this look like a very nice bag, suitable for trips to the gym or overnight travel. In reality, this bag is barely large enough to hold a pair of sneakers. It’s a glorified toiletry bag. Unless there’s an entire community of Sports Illustrated readers who exercise barefoot in nothing but tiny shorts, this is not a useful item
4. The Football Book: It’s a coffee table book full of pictures of Jim Brown. I’ve never really understood the point of coffee table books anyway. After you look at the pictures once, what’s the point of looking again? It’s not going to change. But at least pictures of art or foreign lands or exotic animals show people you have some level of sophistication. What does a picture of Dick Butkus shooting snot rockets tell visitors about you?
5. Sports Illustrated Travel Alarm Clock: It’s small and fragile so if you actually decide to travel with it, the clock will break in your bag before you reach your destination. It’s not backlit, so you can’t see it with the lights off.
So, this time, Sports Illustrated, I will pass on the bonus items. A lack of clutter in my closets and garbage can is gift enough.
Sports Illustrated: August 30th, 2010
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